9 years since she cheated, I still have trouble dealing

Nine years ago, my wife cheated on me with my best friend of 24 years. He had just cut ties with me and had been acting odd in other ways, then was diagnosed as bi-polar. Right after he cut ties with me, my wife tried to fix our friendship and was spending time with him. My wife and I were not doing real well at the time but I didn't see anything that was horribly wrong. Probably my fault there. They ended up spending so much time together, I asked her to please cut back. She didn't. I begged her to stop seeing him. She scoffed at me and they ended up sleeping together, but she denied it for 9 months. Then I think she started to miss us, the family we had. She had told me that she wasn't seeing him at all or talking to him. Her phone rang one day and I grabbed it and answered it. It was him. I stormed out and left for the night. The next day I talked with her and she said she told him not to call her. He called me and wanted to meet with me. I met him and he said they had slept together several times over the 9 months. Everyone was trying to tell me this but I just wouldn't believe she would do that. I went and confronted her. She admitted it but said she wanted us to stay together and that she never wanted to see him again. He called me later that night and asked me if my wife and I were going to stay together and I told him we were going to try and to just butt out and stay away. That night, he stood in front of my house on my lawn and called, wanting to speak to her and I told him no. I heard a loud "pop" and my son came running up and said a man had shot himself in front of the house. He killed himself in front of my kids. I have been through 5 years of therapy and marriage counseling for the both of us. I still seem to have such harsh down times where I can't help but dwell on it all. I stay in a horrible mood during these times and it affects me in my teaching job. I feel in my heart that I have forgiven her but there are times when I still can't believe they did all that they did. She has said "I'm sorry" so many times, she said she isn't going to say it any more and honestly, I don't need to hear it anymore. I just don't know how to stop dwelling on it during these low times. Holidays are the worst as that's when the worst of this happened. We still have good times, but I feel like I ended up as the default guy at times. I don't know how to cope with it any more.

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