I love and care about my wife. She feels the same about me. We're good parents with happy kids. We snipe occasionally but rarely argue and our marriage works by any reasonable definition of success. There are no traumatic events in our shared history, nothing unresolved. We have our own friends and interests that don't intersect. Nights out together revolve around eating out and shopping unless I plan something more. Nearly all our conversations involve the trading of information about the kids and our shared life. My wife rarely asks for anything except reassurance about my love and commitment to her from time to time. She does not talk to me about our relationship except when I initiate, so I can only assume is that she is content with the status quo. Our values align on the most common marriage stressors---finances, work, kids. However, my issue is this: our personalities don't align when it comes to disposition, intellectual curiosity, being physically active, and being demonstrative with affection.
My level of satisfaction with our 21 year marriage has dropped considerably in the last 2 years. The waves of dissatisfaction I feel are getting larger and more frequent over time. The main reason is that almost none of my energy and enthusiasm in these key personality areas gets fed back to me for recycling. As a result, it's very difficult to be close friends much less romantic partners. This dynamic invariably leads to those twice yearly 'talks' where I say I need more from her regarding the traits mentioned above. Obviously we are mutually invested in raising our children and that binds us, but otherwise there doesn't seem to be a genuine interest and desire for each other.
I try hard to not be resentful or passive-aggressive because I see other ways she is a good partner----loyal, cautious, hard working. I try to make the best of things by being talkative and friendly and doing as much for the household as I can……almost as a distraction. I sometimes get the sense that she wants to be proactive to make things better, but the inhibited personality/low energy combination seems to paralyze her. Maybe I'm getting her best effort. Occasionally there are periods of energy and enthusiasm that last weeks, but it's the exception rather than the norm. Sadly, it's hard to take pleasure in these spurts of energy because they tease me into thinking a corner has been turned. This is part of the reason I no longer have big talks about our relationship---she'll say the right things when pressed, but her day-to-day actions say something else.
My wife acknowledges the value of these traits and how they contribute to a good relationship, but acting on them doesn't come naturally. She has to think her way into it, like remembering to get milk and bread. If she is truly vested in our relationship, shouldn't she care that I've given up being demonstrative with affection? Ever since I stopped, I've observed that she is content to go weeks without any…….not that she was touchy feely to begin with. I'm just tired of wanting a connected relationship for us more than she wants it for us. I dread having the 'I love you, but not in a romantic way' speech, but aren't her actions already saying that?
I'm more content in certain ways now that I've stopped using our relationship as a barometer for my happiness. I'm also aware I'm not blameless for my situation----over the years as this dynamic was taking root, we "built a life together". There is a conversation going on here without words---she was saying she wants a companion type relationship, and I accepted that by becoming more and more committed. I get that I'll be the villain if we split because it will seem like I wanted to change the rules in the middle of the game. Society won't be sympathetic either because it places a premium on loyalty over all else in relationships. It deems a marriage successful largely by how long it lasts.
Do we have a future together that could meet both our needs? The future I envision for myself is one where I find new ways to challenge/reinvent myself with new activities/travel/culture while being fully present in the lives of my kids. She has definitively proven on our trips together and in her day-to-day life that a sedentary existence is more to her liking. Staying together will mean that my personal goals and relationship expectations will have to be curtailed, while hers won't. But isn't the point to have a shared life? No single thing is a dealbreaker, but taken as a whole it seems unsustainable.
What do you think?
My level of satisfaction with our 21 year marriage has dropped considerably in the last 2 years. The waves of dissatisfaction I feel are getting larger and more frequent over time. The main reason is that almost none of my energy and enthusiasm in these key personality areas gets fed back to me for recycling. As a result, it's very difficult to be close friends much less romantic partners. This dynamic invariably leads to those twice yearly 'talks' where I say I need more from her regarding the traits mentioned above. Obviously we are mutually invested in raising our children and that binds us, but otherwise there doesn't seem to be a genuine interest and desire for each other.
I try hard to not be resentful or passive-aggressive because I see other ways she is a good partner----loyal, cautious, hard working. I try to make the best of things by being talkative and friendly and doing as much for the household as I can……almost as a distraction. I sometimes get the sense that she wants to be proactive to make things better, but the inhibited personality/low energy combination seems to paralyze her. Maybe I'm getting her best effort. Occasionally there are periods of energy and enthusiasm that last weeks, but it's the exception rather than the norm. Sadly, it's hard to take pleasure in these spurts of energy because they tease me into thinking a corner has been turned. This is part of the reason I no longer have big talks about our relationship---she'll say the right things when pressed, but her day-to-day actions say something else.
My wife acknowledges the value of these traits and how they contribute to a good relationship, but acting on them doesn't come naturally. She has to think her way into it, like remembering to get milk and bread. If she is truly vested in our relationship, shouldn't she care that I've given up being demonstrative with affection? Ever since I stopped, I've observed that she is content to go weeks without any…….not that she was touchy feely to begin with. I'm just tired of wanting a connected relationship for us more than she wants it for us. I dread having the 'I love you, but not in a romantic way' speech, but aren't her actions already saying that?
I'm more content in certain ways now that I've stopped using our relationship as a barometer for my happiness. I'm also aware I'm not blameless for my situation----over the years as this dynamic was taking root, we "built a life together". There is a conversation going on here without words---she was saying she wants a companion type relationship, and I accepted that by becoming more and more committed. I get that I'll be the villain if we split because it will seem like I wanted to change the rules in the middle of the game. Society won't be sympathetic either because it places a premium on loyalty over all else in relationships. It deems a marriage successful largely by how long it lasts.
Do we have a future together that could meet both our needs? The future I envision for myself is one where I find new ways to challenge/reinvent myself with new activities/travel/culture while being fully present in the lives of my kids. She has definitively proven on our trips together and in her day-to-day life that a sedentary existence is more to her liking. Staying together will mean that my personal goals and relationship expectations will have to be curtailed, while hers won't. But isn't the point to have a shared life? No single thing is a dealbreaker, but taken as a whole it seems unsustainable.
What do you think?
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