In the sense that I do not really feel any desire for what the idea of a career offers me. I just want money, however at the same time I feel pressured to go into a graduate scheme even though I have hated every experience I have had of office life. It is like death by endless repetition.
I graduated in June 2013 with a 2.1 in law from a RG. I have had one temp graduate job for a month since then with many final interviews. Something is just not clicking for me. I am more than qualified for these jobs in terms of experience they ask for... but I am just getting nowhere past final interviews. I just don't feel like I am connecting to what they offer at all. My ultimate goal has always been to start my own business, and the career being a means to that end.
I guess this great realisation has become even more apparent when I got rejected by EY the other day after the final interview. I more than met their requirements and hit the competencies, but they just did not like me. I felt like I was talking to a robot in my interview, an autistic type of guy. The other guy was very normal though, I just cannot connect to that society at all. There was no rapport, I was just answering using developed technical answers but the guy looked like he did not want to be there.
In general, I feel no connection to people. I also feel no real envy of anyone apart from those with so much money that they don't need to work. Those with good careers of course they earn well, but I just feel so bored when I hear about the work they do.
All I care about is money, the one thing that I lack in my life. I could not give a damn about the rest. But at the same time I feel so powerless at the moment, having to pretend to be someone else just to get £25k or so a year at a corporate gig that I feel no passion for whatsoever.
I know from many times I step into these offices for final interviews that I just do not belong there. I am a gym rat, I have a northern accent, I am from a state school etc. I.e. I am the total opposite of what they are. I don't pretend otherwise and that is why I most likely do not get anywhere. I am a mixed race minority kid from a suburban former council housing estate. I hang around with local
meatheads and other minority kids/E.Europeans. I read books on philosophy in my spare time. I am complete contradiction. I.e. I do not belong in their idea of civilized society, I am very much on the fringes of what they find acceptable.
I don't know how else to articulate how I am feeling, but it is not that I am not happy in many ways, I am happy in many regards. I know the people who I belong with, I know home. But, at the same time I feel so disconnected from where my potential could have been in terms of making money. I just lack that sense of self-actualisation and feel like I am existing for the sake of existing.
And FYI: I live off my savings of which I have enough to live on but not enough to live on.
Put the internet to work for you.
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