I found this website by doing a Google search. Brace yourselves... this will be a long one. I need to get this burden off my shoulders.
Let me start off by saying that I'm having an emotional affair- I've been talking online to a guy I know where I play sports and I find him very attractive. We have not met alone (I don't plan to), have not had a full conversation face to face, we have not discussed anything of a sexual nature, but we have been getting to know each other online (I know, it's still wrong) and he has paid me a lot of attention- he's complimented me like anything and it's made me ask myself, "How did you get to this low point in life where you have somehow allowed yourself to do this and entertain this?"- While I was chatting to him online last night, I literally put my hand to my head and said, "What is wrong with you?? What are you doing?".
So, I've been married for almost 5 years. I live with my husband in one of the developed Asian countries. He is of Indian descent and I am originally from an English-speaking Western country.
My life seemed like a fairy-tale to everyone else when I got married- My husband is intelligent and works in the medical field- we had a wonderful wedding and a few months later, I was whisked off to his country for the start of an adventure (so I thought).
In the first 2 and a half years of marriage, he just started a new job and had ridiculously long working hours. He literally just used to come home for a few hours to eat and sleep (sometimes, he'd just eat on the go). So, when it came to our new place together, I sorted out every single thing (I was, and still am, a housewife)... Purchasing the furniture, arranging the house, paying the bills & doing all the home DIY stuff on my own. When he was at home on a break, I used to do everything for him- serving him food right where he sat, fetching him the TV remote, getting him anything he needed from the kitchen... It's what he asked for and I used to feel sorry for him because he worked so hard, so I obliged. When his hours started to lighten up, and as he got promoted, I really thought that he could start pulling his weight at home... but that didn't happen. He wanted to be served all the time- he even used to just undress from his work clothes where he was standing and leave it lying on the floor for me to pick up. He wouldn't even throw the garbage in the bin- he used to leave it lying wherever he was sitting. When he'd drop something on the floor, he didn't bother to pick it up. That's when it hit me that he was pathologically lazy- yes, he might be working hard at work- but, behind closed doors, when nobody is looking, he was a complete sloth. His free time was spent lying on the couch, eating all the time, watching his favourite TV shows and yelling at me to fetch this and that for him. He had even progressively become obese. I was pushed and pushed and reach breaking point- and told him that if he doesn't change, I will leave (there were also other factors, like my in-laws, but I'll elaborate later). We had a huge fight when I brought that up... When I told him that I was going to leave, instead of saying, "I love you, please don't go..." or "Let's talk about this", he said, "I'm calling my parents- you're going to explain to t hem what you're doing". Eventually, in my mind, I believed that I was merely being petty- I compared my situation to women who are being severely physically abused and thought to myself, "Why on earth am I complaining?" I thought to myself that I have a wonderful life as a housewife- he provides for me and works hard and this is what I do... and I learned to somehow accept his behaviour.
Fast forward to now- he has very normal working hours and gets many days off... but, sadly, nothing has changed. There are things that I refuse to do- I tell him, "You have legs & arms- go do it yourself"- but he'd rather not have what he wanted than actually get up from the bed/ couch to do it. He has become very obese (BMI > 35), has become addicted to video games (games constantly, for at least 6 hours a day, everyday, for the last 2 years). He never exercises, never goes out for walks, almost never does anything with me when I ask him to- he never wants to go outside with me, play sports with me, do some housework with me, read books with me, go out and do some community activity... If it involves him lying on the bed or sitting on the couch, then yes, he will do it- but if it involves him actually getting up, he refuses outright. He tells me that I should appreciate it that he is the type of husband that stays at home all the time and isn't out there clubbing or doin g things that he's not supposed to do. When we moved houses (moved about 3 times now) I did everything- I cleaned and moved all the furniture, disassembled furniture parts, bundled and boxed small and fragile items, cleaned the old house thoroughly, cleaned the new house thoroughly, arranged the furniture in the new house once the movers dropped off the stuff, did the home DIY stuff in the new house, communicated with the landlord... he did help a bit when the movers dropped off the furniture- he helped to unload some of the stuff and place it in the intended rooms in the new house... but that's it. I can understand that he can't help when he's at work, but, when he was at home, he was too busy sleeping, gaming or watching television. Even when I've been out grocery shopping, I will unload everything myself and pack it away- he will just watch TV... sometimes he has even come up with excuses so that he doesn't need to help. When it's time to do work, he will go to the ba throom, and sit there for 30 minutes, or he will complain that his back is aching or he will fake an asthma attack (yes, he really does have asthma, and has had attacks before, but he is really, REALLY good at making people believe things, and he has faked asthma attacks before at work to get the afternoon off- and he conveniently gets attacks when it's time to do work at home). His hygiene is also really questionable- I am not a neat freak in any way- I think that, compared to most girls, I am actually quite a slob, but I find his personal hygiene extremely off-putting. He never brushes his teeth- he will only gargle his mouth about 3 or 4 times a week. His teeth have several cavities and he refuses to visit the dentist and there are several other things which gross me out quite a bit.
Based on all this, it goes without saying that our sex-life is non-existent. When we first got married, I had a really high sex-drive... but it faded really fast and I actually became sick just thinking about having sex... thinking of sex makes me want to vomit and makes me cringe. I initially thought that it was me (I do have other issues relating to sex), but I realised that the largest component of my issues was my husband's neglect of himself. During our whole marriage, I think that we've had sex about 10 times or less.
I know that, to a lot of people, these issues might not seem like a big deal, and, in some aspects, they are not- I still carry on with my life, but, to add to all this are my in-laws.
I knew that my husband was very close to his parents, and I saw it as a good thing... I saw this as a responsible man who knows what is important in life... but, the extent of the closeness was revealed when we got married and it really bothers me a lot. My mother-in-law is like the apple of my husband's eye and vice versa. I know that a wife can never somehow overtake the importance of her husband's mother- each person has an equally important (and different) place in his life, but, when you get married, there are certain issues which you should discuss with your wife first or keep secret from your mother. My husband has this idea that his mother's words are the gospel truth- when he is unsure about a major decision, he consults and discusses with his mother first- he never discussed investments or buying a house with me first... he asked his mother. When I was upset about this, he said it's because his mother knows more. He will also entertain his mother's personal que stions about me- his mother has asked personal things, like the relationship I have with my family and about my periods (yes! she asked how long my periods last!) and he answered it, no questions asked. When I was upset about this, he said that I'm overreacting. It also does not help when my husband does not see his relationship with his mother for what it is- we will visit my in-laws about once every 2 months and, when we come over, mother-in-law will get dressed up in her nicest clothes, put her hair in 2 ponytails, will make my husband's favourite drink and food, will share his drinking glass with him and will give him shoulder and head massages. I remember when we went for a long visit, and it was our last day there- I was doing everything (as usual)- packing all the bags, packing the car, collecting up all of our laundry and shoes, and making sure that the car is ready for the journey- all while my husband did nothing. And mother-in-law made sure that she made him a full breakfast and made him sit down and enjoy it- and made absolutely zero for me- and husband didn't even offer anything... I didn't even have a cup of tea. Recently, we had a serious argument as well- I told my husband about some painful emotions I have been having and I told him that it's something I share with him alone, and that he shouldn't share any of this with his mother (or family)- I explained to him that when his mother knows anything very personal about me, she will lecture me about how I should be and will keep comparing my life to hers, and how she overcame certain "obstacles"- he took such serious offense at this and told me that I am disrespecting his mother, that he can share whatever he wants with his mother, that it's none of my business what he shares with her, that I can't stop him from talking to his mother and if I'm unhappy with this I can just leave! This shattered my heart into so many pieces that day that I actually felt suicidal. I felt in m y heart as if I've done so much and tried and tried, accepted flaws (because I know that I have so many flaws myself) and yet, when I shared my deepest feelings on something, it didn't matter... it's like, no matter what, his mother will always be number 1 in his life- and, if I do something to upset/ insult/ go against her, I will be dumped like trash.
Putting all of this down in writing really upsets me, and, if this was someone else's story, I'd probably advise them "Just Leave the guy!", but it's really not that easy. I think I actually have a fear of leaving because I don't know how I will cope on my own financially- I am a housewife (as, being a foreigner, don't have a visa to work in this country, and actually don't have any prospect of getting work & a visa right now). When I had thoughts of leaving a few years back, I told myself that I really need to work and make money, so that, when I leave, I can support myself- I did manage to find a loophole in the law and worked from home for a few months, but that's over now, and I don't have much saved up. When I leave, I will also have to go back to my own country and pretty much start my life all over again... I have nothing (zero) in my home country- no place to stay, no family that I'm in contact with and barely any friends... when I moved to my husband's country, I literally left my old life and everything I owned and knew and started anew here... now I'm in a difficult predicament. I also have several animals which I'm looking after- and I have to think of their welfare too when I leave... I know that my husband will not put in the effort to take care of them- the optimal situation would be to find good homes for them. No, we don't have any children- when I realised how my husband was, I thought that, until he changes, I don't want children... I discussed this with him and initially, he wasn't interested in hearing my reasons- he said that he wants kids, but, if I'm not ready, then he doesn't want to hear the reasons for it- I must just come back onto the topic of children when I'm ready to have children. Eventually, he started to hear me out and I explained to him that I do everything in the house- how will it be when we have a child? He responded that he will be at work, so the child will be my responsibility. When I asked him, "What if something happens to me? Who is going to take care of the child?". He said that his parents will do it... *sigh*
Any support or advice will be greatly appreciated. I know that leaving is the only option, but why do I feel so afraid to leave? What is wrong with me? It was so easy to say yes to marriage and to go off to a foreign country- that should have actually scared me a lot, but it didn't at all. I packed my bags happily and took such a huge risk... Why does divorce and living alone scare me so much? Why can't I take the same risk?? I also have this picture in my mind that I won't find sustainable work and I'll be a beggar on the street.
Just to end, I know that my emotional affair with the other guy will either end in heartache or lots of people getting hurt or something even more disastrous, so I'm trying to put myself in a mindset to move away from it and stop it... I've tried to understand why I like it so much- Actually, I want to say that I actually love it! I know that it's not the morally correct thing to say, and any type of affair is severely frowned upon, but I think it's just the attention I'm getting from someone that has me on a high. Someone out there actually noticed me- he is actually taking an interest in me and my life- someone actually finds me intelligent and entertaining and attractive and somehow I'm just soaking up the attention. But still, I know- it's not the answer to my problems.
Let me start off by saying that I'm having an emotional affair- I've been talking online to a guy I know where I play sports and I find him very attractive. We have not met alone (I don't plan to), have not had a full conversation face to face, we have not discussed anything of a sexual nature, but we have been getting to know each other online (I know, it's still wrong) and he has paid me a lot of attention- he's complimented me like anything and it's made me ask myself, "How did you get to this low point in life where you have somehow allowed yourself to do this and entertain this?"- While I was chatting to him online last night, I literally put my hand to my head and said, "What is wrong with you?? What are you doing?".
So, I've been married for almost 5 years. I live with my husband in one of the developed Asian countries. He is of Indian descent and I am originally from an English-speaking Western country.
My life seemed like a fairy-tale to everyone else when I got married- My husband is intelligent and works in the medical field- we had a wonderful wedding and a few months later, I was whisked off to his country for the start of an adventure (so I thought).
In the first 2 and a half years of marriage, he just started a new job and had ridiculously long working hours. He literally just used to come home for a few hours to eat and sleep (sometimes, he'd just eat on the go). So, when it came to our new place together, I sorted out every single thing (I was, and still am, a housewife)... Purchasing the furniture, arranging the house, paying the bills & doing all the home DIY stuff on my own. When he was at home on a break, I used to do everything for him- serving him food right where he sat, fetching him the TV remote, getting him anything he needed from the kitchen... It's what he asked for and I used to feel sorry for him because he worked so hard, so I obliged. When his hours started to lighten up, and as he got promoted, I really thought that he could start pulling his weight at home... but that didn't happen. He wanted to be served all the time- he even used to just undress from his work clothes where he was standing and leave it lying on the floor for me to pick up. He wouldn't even throw the garbage in the bin- he used to leave it lying wherever he was sitting. When he'd drop something on the floor, he didn't bother to pick it up. That's when it hit me that he was pathologically lazy- yes, he might be working hard at work- but, behind closed doors, when nobody is looking, he was a complete sloth. His free time was spent lying on the couch, eating all the time, watching his favourite TV shows and yelling at me to fetch this and that for him. He had even progressively become obese. I was pushed and pushed and reach breaking point- and told him that if he doesn't change, I will leave (there were also other factors, like my in-laws, but I'll elaborate later). We had a huge fight when I brought that up... When I told him that I was going to leave, instead of saying, "I love you, please don't go..." or "Let's talk about this", he said, "I'm calling my parents- you're going to explain to t hem what you're doing". Eventually, in my mind, I believed that I was merely being petty- I compared my situation to women who are being severely physically abused and thought to myself, "Why on earth am I complaining?" I thought to myself that I have a wonderful life as a housewife- he provides for me and works hard and this is what I do... and I learned to somehow accept his behaviour.
Fast forward to now- he has very normal working hours and gets many days off... but, sadly, nothing has changed. There are things that I refuse to do- I tell him, "You have legs & arms- go do it yourself"- but he'd rather not have what he wanted than actually get up from the bed/ couch to do it. He has become very obese (BMI > 35), has become addicted to video games (games constantly, for at least 6 hours a day, everyday, for the last 2 years). He never exercises, never goes out for walks, almost never does anything with me when I ask him to- he never wants to go outside with me, play sports with me, do some housework with me, read books with me, go out and do some community activity... If it involves him lying on the bed or sitting on the couch, then yes, he will do it- but if it involves him actually getting up, he refuses outright. He tells me that I should appreciate it that he is the type of husband that stays at home all the time and isn't out there clubbing or doin g things that he's not supposed to do. When we moved houses (moved about 3 times now) I did everything- I cleaned and moved all the furniture, disassembled furniture parts, bundled and boxed small and fragile items, cleaned the old house thoroughly, cleaned the new house thoroughly, arranged the furniture in the new house once the movers dropped off the stuff, did the home DIY stuff in the new house, communicated with the landlord... he did help a bit when the movers dropped off the furniture- he helped to unload some of the stuff and place it in the intended rooms in the new house... but that's it. I can understand that he can't help when he's at work, but, when he was at home, he was too busy sleeping, gaming or watching television. Even when I've been out grocery shopping, I will unload everything myself and pack it away- he will just watch TV... sometimes he has even come up with excuses so that he doesn't need to help. When it's time to do work, he will go to the ba throom, and sit there for 30 minutes, or he will complain that his back is aching or he will fake an asthma attack (yes, he really does have asthma, and has had attacks before, but he is really, REALLY good at making people believe things, and he has faked asthma attacks before at work to get the afternoon off- and he conveniently gets attacks when it's time to do work at home). His hygiene is also really questionable- I am not a neat freak in any way- I think that, compared to most girls, I am actually quite a slob, but I find his personal hygiene extremely off-putting. He never brushes his teeth- he will only gargle his mouth about 3 or 4 times a week. His teeth have several cavities and he refuses to visit the dentist and there are several other things which gross me out quite a bit.
Based on all this, it goes without saying that our sex-life is non-existent. When we first got married, I had a really high sex-drive... but it faded really fast and I actually became sick just thinking about having sex... thinking of sex makes me want to vomit and makes me cringe. I initially thought that it was me (I do have other issues relating to sex), but I realised that the largest component of my issues was my husband's neglect of himself. During our whole marriage, I think that we've had sex about 10 times or less.
I know that, to a lot of people, these issues might not seem like a big deal, and, in some aspects, they are not- I still carry on with my life, but, to add to all this are my in-laws.
I knew that my husband was very close to his parents, and I saw it as a good thing... I saw this as a responsible man who knows what is important in life... but, the extent of the closeness was revealed when we got married and it really bothers me a lot. My mother-in-law is like the apple of my husband's eye and vice versa. I know that a wife can never somehow overtake the importance of her husband's mother- each person has an equally important (and different) place in his life, but, when you get married, there are certain issues which you should discuss with your wife first or keep secret from your mother. My husband has this idea that his mother's words are the gospel truth- when he is unsure about a major decision, he consults and discusses with his mother first- he never discussed investments or buying a house with me first... he asked his mother. When I was upset about this, he said it's because his mother knows more. He will also entertain his mother's personal que stions about me- his mother has asked personal things, like the relationship I have with my family and about my periods (yes! she asked how long my periods last!) and he answered it, no questions asked. When I was upset about this, he said that I'm overreacting. It also does not help when my husband does not see his relationship with his mother for what it is- we will visit my in-laws about once every 2 months and, when we come over, mother-in-law will get dressed up in her nicest clothes, put her hair in 2 ponytails, will make my husband's favourite drink and food, will share his drinking glass with him and will give him shoulder and head massages. I remember when we went for a long visit, and it was our last day there- I was doing everything (as usual)- packing all the bags, packing the car, collecting up all of our laundry and shoes, and making sure that the car is ready for the journey- all while my husband did nothing. And mother-in-law made sure that she made him a full breakfast and made him sit down and enjoy it- and made absolutely zero for me- and husband didn't even offer anything... I didn't even have a cup of tea. Recently, we had a serious argument as well- I told my husband about some painful emotions I have been having and I told him that it's something I share with him alone, and that he shouldn't share any of this with his mother (or family)- I explained to him that when his mother knows anything very personal about me, she will lecture me about how I should be and will keep comparing my life to hers, and how she overcame certain "obstacles"- he took such serious offense at this and told me that I am disrespecting his mother, that he can share whatever he wants with his mother, that it's none of my business what he shares with her, that I can't stop him from talking to his mother and if I'm unhappy with this I can just leave! This shattered my heart into so many pieces that day that I actually felt suicidal. I felt in m y heart as if I've done so much and tried and tried, accepted flaws (because I know that I have so many flaws myself) and yet, when I shared my deepest feelings on something, it didn't matter... it's like, no matter what, his mother will always be number 1 in his life- and, if I do something to upset/ insult/ go against her, I will be dumped like trash.
Putting all of this down in writing really upsets me, and, if this was someone else's story, I'd probably advise them "Just Leave the guy!", but it's really not that easy. I think I actually have a fear of leaving because I don't know how I will cope on my own financially- I am a housewife (as, being a foreigner, don't have a visa to work in this country, and actually don't have any prospect of getting work & a visa right now). When I had thoughts of leaving a few years back, I told myself that I really need to work and make money, so that, when I leave, I can support myself- I did manage to find a loophole in the law and worked from home for a few months, but that's over now, and I don't have much saved up. When I leave, I will also have to go back to my own country and pretty much start my life all over again... I have nothing (zero) in my home country- no place to stay, no family that I'm in contact with and barely any friends... when I moved to my husband's country, I literally left my old life and everything I owned and knew and started anew here... now I'm in a difficult predicament. I also have several animals which I'm looking after- and I have to think of their welfare too when I leave... I know that my husband will not put in the effort to take care of them- the optimal situation would be to find good homes for them. No, we don't have any children- when I realised how my husband was, I thought that, until he changes, I don't want children... I discussed this with him and initially, he wasn't interested in hearing my reasons- he said that he wants kids, but, if I'm not ready, then he doesn't want to hear the reasons for it- I must just come back onto the topic of children when I'm ready to have children. Eventually, he started to hear me out and I explained to him that I do everything in the house- how will it be when we have a child? He responded that he will be at work, so the child will be my responsibility. When I asked him, "What if something happens to me? Who is going to take care of the child?". He said that his parents will do it... *sigh*
Any support or advice will be greatly appreciated. I know that leaving is the only option, but why do I feel so afraid to leave? What is wrong with me? It was so easy to say yes to marriage and to go off to a foreign country- that should have actually scared me a lot, but it didn't at all. I packed my bags happily and took such a huge risk... Why does divorce and living alone scare me so much? Why can't I take the same risk?? I also have this picture in my mind that I won't find sustainable work and I'll be a beggar on the street.
Just to end, I know that my emotional affair with the other guy will either end in heartache or lots of people getting hurt or something even more disastrous, so I'm trying to put myself in a mindset to move away from it and stop it... I've tried to understand why I like it so much- Actually, I want to say that I actually love it! I know that it's not the morally correct thing to say, and any type of affair is severely frowned upon, but I think it's just the attention I'm getting from someone that has me on a high. Someone out there actually noticed me- he is actually taking an interest in me and my life- someone actually finds me intelligent and entertaining and attractive and somehow I'm just soaking up the attention. But still, I know- it's not the answer to my problems.
Put the internet to work for you.
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