How we constantly hear of the limitations of our time on this planet... Those who say, we should seek to truly "live" every moment of our lives to its fullest...
To find oneself divorced, after a long period of marriage/involvement can certainly lead one to considering how much time they invested in that relationship. It is a despairing thought. When it falls apart, that time is gone, and one's plans for the portions of their lives dealing with family, gone as well.
I always wanted a large family with lots of kids, having been the youngest of four, growing up with siblings and sharing a life with them was a very positive experience. I often felt that being a "Dad" to a "bunch" of kids would provide profound meaningfulness to my life.. a loving, supportive wife, a family..kids with brothers and sisters.. all belonging..
Nothing like a picture of one of your high school buddies on FB, with his five kids and doting wife, to really stretch the senses as to why "I" ended up like this. To consider, if I had achieved that "big family", that I would be likely living in a cardboard box right now attempting to pay child support. Should I then consider myself "spared" from that destitution? Perhaps. But it also brings a realization that even "I" didn't know what was best for me... so can I trust even, myself?
I saw a picture of my exwife on LinkedIn. Something was missing in her eyes, she seemed hollow, detached...
Was I spared from a future of greater pain, by having this end when it did? Do I dare entertain the thought that perhaps there is still time for me? Or, did I piss it all away on an unfaithful, immature woman? Let me bring even greater guilt and hatred of the self, for being so stupid.
Some say, "no regrets"... and as soon as I think about how much I regret trusting someone for so long, I find that I cannot pursue that self-flagellation without remembering where I would be IF this all happened after a "big" family was established.
So then all my hopes and dreams were folly. Spared from a great pain indeed, but then also, flighty in my expectations...
Still, I have my daughter, and I don't say that in a diminishing manner, but rather, grateful. Something good came from all that... but it does not stop the crushing sense of loss that comes with so much time invested... and a sense that what is left is far to limited for achieving that dream.
I just have lately found myself attempting to not cope with that aspect of "time" (16 years) that I gave up. Attempting to accept that it is gone, and that my new outlook and hopes for my life may not be able to support the concept of a big family anymore. I feel so robbed of my life; and yet pay to help a woman who earns 30K more per year than I do, to support the one child we did have together.. and I get to see her for a week at a time, every other week.
Just like I had planned all along... :confused:
It is what has been on my mind.
So I tell myself, that this is how it is now, and attempt to accept it.. as if a choice was available...
To find oneself divorced, after a long period of marriage/involvement can certainly lead one to considering how much time they invested in that relationship. It is a despairing thought. When it falls apart, that time is gone, and one's plans for the portions of their lives dealing with family, gone as well.
I always wanted a large family with lots of kids, having been the youngest of four, growing up with siblings and sharing a life with them was a very positive experience. I often felt that being a "Dad" to a "bunch" of kids would provide profound meaningfulness to my life.. a loving, supportive wife, a family..kids with brothers and sisters.. all belonging..
Nothing like a picture of one of your high school buddies on FB, with his five kids and doting wife, to really stretch the senses as to why "I" ended up like this. To consider, if I had achieved that "big family", that I would be likely living in a cardboard box right now attempting to pay child support. Should I then consider myself "spared" from that destitution? Perhaps. But it also brings a realization that even "I" didn't know what was best for me... so can I trust even, myself?
I saw a picture of my exwife on LinkedIn. Something was missing in her eyes, she seemed hollow, detached...
Was I spared from a future of greater pain, by having this end when it did? Do I dare entertain the thought that perhaps there is still time for me? Or, did I piss it all away on an unfaithful, immature woman? Let me bring even greater guilt and hatred of the self, for being so stupid.
Some say, "no regrets"... and as soon as I think about how much I regret trusting someone for so long, I find that I cannot pursue that self-flagellation without remembering where I would be IF this all happened after a "big" family was established.
So then all my hopes and dreams were folly. Spared from a great pain indeed, but then also, flighty in my expectations...
Still, I have my daughter, and I don't say that in a diminishing manner, but rather, grateful. Something good came from all that... but it does not stop the crushing sense of loss that comes with so much time invested... and a sense that what is left is far to limited for achieving that dream.
I just have lately found myself attempting to not cope with that aspect of "time" (16 years) that I gave up. Attempting to accept that it is gone, and that my new outlook and hopes for my life may not be able to support the concept of a big family anymore. I feel so robbed of my life; and yet pay to help a woman who earns 30K more per year than I do, to support the one child we did have together.. and I get to see her for a week at a time, every other week.
Just like I had planned all along... :confused:
It is what has been on my mind.
So I tell myself, that this is how it is now, and attempt to accept it.. as if a choice was available...
Put the internet to work for you.
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