When I married my husband, I knew he viewed porn but was surprised when I found out how much. I wasn't thrilled, but after time I began to understand why. I was raised conservative, but over time I changed and wasn't bothered too much. My views on sex became more liberal. I went thru the typical thoughts of thinking I wasn't good enough, begged him to stop, was upset, he hid it from me, I would find it later, he would pay for a trial but forget about it, I would find it, we would fight, etc. Things got better - he agreed not to pay and I agreed that if he did it for free and it didn't affect our sex life, I would not be upset. For the most part, years passed and it wasn't a problem.
A couple years ago we went through a transistion in moving, job changes, weight gain for us both, he wasn't interested in sex much. I talked to him about it, he had been feeling down and worried about finding a new job. Things finally improved for him. Sex picked up, but I found he was looking at pics and videos on a dating site. I confronted him; he had made a log-in so he could view the videos but he was not looking to meet anyone. This raised a red flag; I had found out because I needed to use his computer. He left the site open and logged in. I saw that he had only went on there and looked at a video, he had made a log in but not created a real profile for himself with info or made contact so I let it go. I was surprised because he always doted on me and always told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me and was so attracted to me. So, not to sound niave but it just didn't seem like the kind of man who would risk his marriage so I have not been worried.
Within a few months, our situation improved. We got great jobs, I lost a ton of weight. He has always found me physically attractive, has been very loving toward me. He tells me I am very hot, our sex life just keep improving and he desired me more and more. His job gives him a company vehicle with a GPS so he can only drive to and from jobs; he works with a supervisor so he cannot go off on his own so I don't worry about him meeting up with strangers. He does have a couple health issues that slows him down, and has commented that he hopes he dies before me because if not, he'd just kill himself if he ever lost me.
So I was surprised when I had to use his computer yesterday, and stumbled across another dating site profile. He left himself logged in, and he had again filled it out, just basic. Log-in, his birthday, saying he would like a one-night-stand, his height which incorrect, making him shorter, no photos, nothing. It had some requests from girls, but none of them were answered. I worry because I don't think a happily married man would do this. He has over the past few months viewed a TON of porn.
It shocks me because he tells me he loves me, constantly how hot I am, and how he can't live without me. I do know he would like more sex and he did tell me once he doesn't think I'm affectionate enough (I am not a cuddler and I do not say 'I love you' very often, - I am working on this. I am not a lovey-dovey person at all)
I have not talked to him about this. When I talked to him about this in the past, I do not do very well. I get tongue-tied and emotional, and I mess up. I don't want to fight. We tend to talk in circles, he denies it. I feel like I "scare him straight" for a few months, then later, it just repeats.
I'm hoping someone maybe has some advice. I also thought taking some time, instead, then I could maybe approach later with a clear head. Also I thought, this sounds bad, but... I could maybe go on his computer later, a month later, and if I see anymore dating stuff and it was worse, then I could confront him. If not, instead maybe I could look into a counseling session for myself. He is against counseling, but maybe I could try to approach him on it. I also could work on being a better wife myself, and see if that helps. I feel maybe with the lack of affection on my part, maybe that is what is driving him to the computer. Not that I think I deserve the blame, but if I have to leave, I need time to get some counseling, select a lawyer, make a plan, figure out finances. I can't do it right now, and confrontations have never been a long-term solution.
A couple years ago we went through a transistion in moving, job changes, weight gain for us both, he wasn't interested in sex much. I talked to him about it, he had been feeling down and worried about finding a new job. Things finally improved for him. Sex picked up, but I found he was looking at pics and videos on a dating site. I confronted him; he had made a log-in so he could view the videos but he was not looking to meet anyone. This raised a red flag; I had found out because I needed to use his computer. He left the site open and logged in. I saw that he had only went on there and looked at a video, he had made a log in but not created a real profile for himself with info or made contact so I let it go. I was surprised because he always doted on me and always told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me and was so attracted to me. So, not to sound niave but it just didn't seem like the kind of man who would risk his marriage so I have not been worried.
Within a few months, our situation improved. We got great jobs, I lost a ton of weight. He has always found me physically attractive, has been very loving toward me. He tells me I am very hot, our sex life just keep improving and he desired me more and more. His job gives him a company vehicle with a GPS so he can only drive to and from jobs; he works with a supervisor so he cannot go off on his own so I don't worry about him meeting up with strangers. He does have a couple health issues that slows him down, and has commented that he hopes he dies before me because if not, he'd just kill himself if he ever lost me.
So I was surprised when I had to use his computer yesterday, and stumbled across another dating site profile. He left himself logged in, and he had again filled it out, just basic. Log-in, his birthday, saying he would like a one-night-stand, his height which incorrect, making him shorter, no photos, nothing. It had some requests from girls, but none of them were answered. I worry because I don't think a happily married man would do this. He has over the past few months viewed a TON of porn.
It shocks me because he tells me he loves me, constantly how hot I am, and how he can't live without me. I do know he would like more sex and he did tell me once he doesn't think I'm affectionate enough (I am not a cuddler and I do not say 'I love you' very often, - I am working on this. I am not a lovey-dovey person at all)
I have not talked to him about this. When I talked to him about this in the past, I do not do very well. I get tongue-tied and emotional, and I mess up. I don't want to fight. We tend to talk in circles, he denies it. I feel like I "scare him straight" for a few months, then later, it just repeats.
I'm hoping someone maybe has some advice. I also thought taking some time, instead, then I could maybe approach later with a clear head. Also I thought, this sounds bad, but... I could maybe go on his computer later, a month later, and if I see anymore dating stuff and it was worse, then I could confront him. If not, instead maybe I could look into a counseling session for myself. He is against counseling, but maybe I could try to approach him on it. I also could work on being a better wife myself, and see if that helps. I feel maybe with the lack of affection on my part, maybe that is what is driving him to the computer. Not that I think I deserve the blame, but if I have to leave, I need time to get some counseling, select a lawyer, make a plan, figure out finances. I can't do it right now, and confrontations have never been a long-term solution.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment