I have posted here twice before with regards to my situation and find myself coming back for a bit more support as time goes on and things move forward. I hope no one minds me re-posting. Every time I do it seems to give me new resolve and so much of you have really helpful input to give me. I know I am a bit needy right now :(
To recap, my Fiance a walked out and split up the family pretty much out of nowhere a few months ago. Please feel free to read my old threads, but suffice to say he left me and my son in a terrible situation and I have been to hell and back.
It eventually transpired that the reason for his inexplicable and cruel behavior was a mental breakdown with anxiety and severe depression and he was hospitalised briefly and is being treated with medication and talk therapy. We are taking steps to get back together but obviously he is still quite ill.
I have spent months long distance from him, chatting by phone and internet, I am now back home. I have been staying with him for 8 days now while waiting or my own apartment rental to be finalised. It feels very strange that we will have separate houses after being a family for so long.
Being together again has been good in many ways for both of us. He has been on medication for two months now and is able to properly talk to me about difficult topics. He is beginning to identify in therapy the parts of his character and aspects of his life that led to him snapping the way he did and he's starting to realise I wasn't to blame at all as he initially believed.
He's identified that before his depression hit I was "his world" and he loved me "immensely" but he was confused when he felt these feelings go away when his breakdown hit him. It was not really until he realised ALL his feelings were gone (including for his son) that he began to think perhaps it wasn't me that was the problem.
I took on board the advice given to me here in some ways and have understood that he needs to get better and that I need to take care of myself and my son as a single woman for now. I have my own apartment about 25 minutes from him which I can move into next weekend and I have largely come to a reluctant acceptance of the situation.
I have also focussed on helping him as much as I can. I have him on a combo of vitamins shown to improve depression, I have him on gentle walks for 30 minutes a day, I have been giving him massages and warm bubble baths and we have been practising mindfulness exercises and meditation. He's been amazing and is so keen to get better and have the help.
Over a week of this (with a lot of hugs) he has improved hugely and that's great to see. When I arrived he was down-cast, black eyed, skinny and spoke in a whisper. He now has the animation back on his face, he smiles a lot now (including with his eyes!) and looks much more like himself. He's sleeping better, talking better and gaining weight finally.
His status as far as he sees things is that he is aware that he is still very ill and needs to get better, and he feels that because this is about "him" it mostly needs to be done alone. This is not something I can say I understand - but I have read here from some of you that this is normal and healthy.
He says knowing I am there at the end of the journey heartens and encourages him and he wants me to "wait" for him because he knows that when he is better he will have the energy and strength to rebuild what we had once and put things right for myself and the children.
He has been praying for that every night (we never prayed before, but now we do it all the time as it seems to help us to surrender to something bigger than ourselves right now).
Although these things are all improvements, I still feel very confused and up and down. He is very good to me. Thoughtful, kind, affectionate and willing to talk and share with me. He's been sending me sweet cards and buying me my favourite gifts to thank me. I have heard him telling friends that he would not be alive today without my support. He is sometimes "like his old self". When I get my own place he says he will visit every week and we will "see how things go".
I know I am supposed to be happy with this, but I feel so low sometimes.
I miss him supporting me and sharing decisions with me about the kids or the future. I miss being in a family and co-parenting. I miss really everything about our old life and I hate the way he randomly goes cold and distant sometimes. He never says "I love you" anymore. He says "you'e lovely" and "I love being with you", but never the real words I want to hear. He says he wants to say it, but he doesn't trust his own emotions right now which he says are foggy and unclear. I can;t understand why he wants me to wait if he doesn't actually know if he loves me or not.
I also still have so much anger and resentment for the way he treated me and the kids when he had his breakdown. He said and did a lot of things which horrified me. He broke my trust in him. He doesn't make me feel "safe" the way he did before.
I know everyone here gave me advice to be a supportive friend, but I will admit the relationship is still very physical. I am ashamed to admit that because I am not sure if it is right or wrong but I feel like it is one of the main ways we connect right now. The hugs, kisses and touches seem to replace some part of what I am craving or missing and some days we just lay there holding each other and kissing and it seems to be one of the ways we feel intimacy and I really miss intimacy!!!
I am not sure if this is demented or natural -harmful or helpful. Input would be great on that.
I just feel very, very alone.
When I move to my own place, I am going to be a few hours from any family or friends, alone with my son. I am not sure how to proceed with my life.
Do I move into the new place and continue as we are? Still "sort of" together but giving him space?
Or do I move into the new place and let him know that while his emotions are cloudy or foggy it is best for us to maintain only friendship?
I am not sure what is best for me OR him. If I can have part of him for now, that feels like better than nothing. I know that sounds incredibly weak but I miss him a lot. I also want him to get better and I KNOW he needs my love right now.
To recap, my Fiance a walked out and split up the family pretty much out of nowhere a few months ago. Please feel free to read my old threads, but suffice to say he left me and my son in a terrible situation and I have been to hell and back.
It eventually transpired that the reason for his inexplicable and cruel behavior was a mental breakdown with anxiety and severe depression and he was hospitalised briefly and is being treated with medication and talk therapy. We are taking steps to get back together but obviously he is still quite ill.
I have spent months long distance from him, chatting by phone and internet, I am now back home. I have been staying with him for 8 days now while waiting or my own apartment rental to be finalised. It feels very strange that we will have separate houses after being a family for so long.
Being together again has been good in many ways for both of us. He has been on medication for two months now and is able to properly talk to me about difficult topics. He is beginning to identify in therapy the parts of his character and aspects of his life that led to him snapping the way he did and he's starting to realise I wasn't to blame at all as he initially believed.
He's identified that before his depression hit I was "his world" and he loved me "immensely" but he was confused when he felt these feelings go away when his breakdown hit him. It was not really until he realised ALL his feelings were gone (including for his son) that he began to think perhaps it wasn't me that was the problem.
I took on board the advice given to me here in some ways and have understood that he needs to get better and that I need to take care of myself and my son as a single woman for now. I have my own apartment about 25 minutes from him which I can move into next weekend and I have largely come to a reluctant acceptance of the situation.
I have also focussed on helping him as much as I can. I have him on a combo of vitamins shown to improve depression, I have him on gentle walks for 30 minutes a day, I have been giving him massages and warm bubble baths and we have been practising mindfulness exercises and meditation. He's been amazing and is so keen to get better and have the help.
Over a week of this (with a lot of hugs) he has improved hugely and that's great to see. When I arrived he was down-cast, black eyed, skinny and spoke in a whisper. He now has the animation back on his face, he smiles a lot now (including with his eyes!) and looks much more like himself. He's sleeping better, talking better and gaining weight finally.
His status as far as he sees things is that he is aware that he is still very ill and needs to get better, and he feels that because this is about "him" it mostly needs to be done alone. This is not something I can say I understand - but I have read here from some of you that this is normal and healthy.
He says knowing I am there at the end of the journey heartens and encourages him and he wants me to "wait" for him because he knows that when he is better he will have the energy and strength to rebuild what we had once and put things right for myself and the children.
He has been praying for that every night (we never prayed before, but now we do it all the time as it seems to help us to surrender to something bigger than ourselves right now).
Although these things are all improvements, I still feel very confused and up and down. He is very good to me. Thoughtful, kind, affectionate and willing to talk and share with me. He's been sending me sweet cards and buying me my favourite gifts to thank me. I have heard him telling friends that he would not be alive today without my support. He is sometimes "like his old self". When I get my own place he says he will visit every week and we will "see how things go".
I know I am supposed to be happy with this, but I feel so low sometimes.
I miss him supporting me and sharing decisions with me about the kids or the future. I miss being in a family and co-parenting. I miss really everything about our old life and I hate the way he randomly goes cold and distant sometimes. He never says "I love you" anymore. He says "you'e lovely" and "I love being with you", but never the real words I want to hear. He says he wants to say it, but he doesn't trust his own emotions right now which he says are foggy and unclear. I can;t understand why he wants me to wait if he doesn't actually know if he loves me or not.
I also still have so much anger and resentment for the way he treated me and the kids when he had his breakdown. He said and did a lot of things which horrified me. He broke my trust in him. He doesn't make me feel "safe" the way he did before.
I know everyone here gave me advice to be a supportive friend, but I will admit the relationship is still very physical. I am ashamed to admit that because I am not sure if it is right or wrong but I feel like it is one of the main ways we connect right now. The hugs, kisses and touches seem to replace some part of what I am craving or missing and some days we just lay there holding each other and kissing and it seems to be one of the ways we feel intimacy and I really miss intimacy!!!
I am not sure if this is demented or natural -harmful or helpful. Input would be great on that.
I just feel very, very alone.
When I move to my own place, I am going to be a few hours from any family or friends, alone with my son. I am not sure how to proceed with my life.
Do I move into the new place and continue as we are? Still "sort of" together but giving him space?
Or do I move into the new place and let him know that while his emotions are cloudy or foggy it is best for us to maintain only friendship?
I am not sure what is best for me OR him. If I can have part of him for now, that feels like better than nothing. I know that sounds incredibly weak but I miss him a lot. I also want him to get better and I KNOW he needs my love right now.
Put the internet to work for you.
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