Guilt feelings....was it really that bad?

I've been plagued by feelings of guilt this week. Guilty for not sticking with my marriage and trying to make it work. For anybody who doesn't know my back story, I lived with an extreme and intolerable amount of verbal and emotional abuse during 2010, 2011 and the first part of 2012. I'll spare the gory details, but here are some highlights: My wife began telling slanderous stories about me to our mutual friends, suggesting I was having some type of mental breakdown (I work in a tightly regulated industry in a position that has high security and safety responsibilities, so I'm constantly under scrutiny. I've also passed multiple psych /personality profiles over a 12-plus year period. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I think I'm sane enough...). In addition to this, there were almost nightly rages, threats and occasional make-calling. By her own admission, she treated me like a child, saying "I deserved it." She would say hurtful things in front of our son, or say things in a very angry, disrespectful tone. She threatened to run away with him and go someplace I would never find them. The police visited our house once to investigate our family because she and her mother were convinced I had bugged the phones ( I did not). She became extremely dysegulated once because I had slept in "her" bed when she was away on a trip. Her untrue accusations eventually resulted in me being reported to Children's Services for something I didn't do. CPS never even opened an investigation... In June, I moved out and announced my intention to divorce her. But I let things simmer until the first of the year, because I didn't feel right about moving ahead yet. We went into mediation, and at the end the mediator told us she'd type up an agreement for if to take to our lawyer. The next day, my wife filed a divorce complaint on me. We have a court date May 23. After I moved out, the verbal abuse completely stopped. I expected rages daily once she felt abandonment issues coming into play. If anything, she's been mostly reasonable and accommodating. If anything, a little smothering (She would offer to come up with menu ideas for my new place, even though I am a decent cook myself). It's been weird to see the person I thought I had married come out AFTER I moved out! I feel guilty, because when I see her act SO NORMAL for SO LONG, I wonder if I am giving up on something salvageable. Don't get me wrong... I feel ZERO love for for her. My loving feelings died a long time ago. But I also know love isn't just a feeling. She has not acknowledged anything wrong in her past behavior. She says she was justified in doing everything she did. She refuses to seek help for herself when I suggest it. In fact, she fabricated a story that our marriage counselor had supposedly told her that she didn't have any issues, that she was doing her best, and that all she needed to do was be patient and wait for me to come around. I questioned the counselor about that specifically, and she said that not only did she not say it, but she can't even recall saying anything that could have been misconstrued that way. I THINK my wife is still a very troubled woman. But with her being so reasonable and agreeable (at least to my face) for almost a year now, I feel guilty. Is she really a toxic, disordered woman who poses a danger to me emotionally (and possibly physically?) Or was this all a great big misunderstanding? Posted via Mobile Device

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