22 years married, last 4+ years sexless - help

So here it is, wife's been in individual therapy for awhile, I figure she hopefully be working on issues around her sexual inhibitions (not wanting sex at all). We have been having issues for quite some time and I finally told her that we need couples therapy. The only way that she would agree was to start doing couples with her therapist. So we've been going for a couple months now and working through some of our issues then this week we just started to discuss the lack of physical intimacy issue. Come to find out this is the first time her therapist heard about this issue! I was floored. It's been 4+ years now with no physical intimacy at all. It's obvious to me now that we have had issues for most of our marriage (22 years). In our discussions, my wife has some sexual trauma from childhood. She wants to work on this but some of the issues for me is that our sex life was never 'good' and always on her terms. She has said that 'sex is not love' and 'i could live without sex'. So in my mind, I want a better sex life, one that my wife actually wants to participate in. What I am worried about is that we 'may' get back to our mediocre sex life, but that is not what I need anymore. When and how does one tell your partner that the lack of physical intimacy is a deal breaker without hurting feelings? And is lack of physical intimacy a legitimate reason to leave a 'fairly' good marriage otherwise?

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