| I am not perfect. I get that. When we met, it was all fun and games. A false start, I know. Not reality. No stress. I saw the signs of her mood swings very early, but I ignored, because I thought a good bf was suppose to accept whatever. As the relationship continued, she got more vocal on details of my life and other things she did not like. If I wasn't making progress at any point in the day towards something meaningful, she would get angry. She pried into my emails and facebook and got very little details about a girl I talked to before her. Nothing serious at all. When she confronted, I pointed at the dates, said we were friends, and she was gone. The truth was, I had actually liked the girl, and nothing ever happened. She had left the country. I didn't tell her that part, because I was a bit...bitter I guess, that someone would go through my stuff. I would share at my own time if it came o a discussion about it. Sneaking around just makes me angry. Anyways, when we first dated I gave her a massages reguraly. I told her I never give people massages, except my grandmother. It slipt my mind that Igave that 'other girl' a very quick back massage. Nothing sensual, as i didn't want to come off as a weird touchy feely friend. Anyways, my then GF (Now Wife) was going through some my stuff and I had written a journal for a whole 2 days after that girl left. Detailed what we did the last few days (I know, it was sappy, but it sucked having someone you like literly leave you and know you will never see again). In the end, the girl was more of a sister figure, and looking back it was just the fear of her leaving that stirred other emotions. Anyways, my gf found the journal when she was snooping. She made a big deal of it. I told her everything. She said I was a liar. It hurt that I was feeling guilty about my past that I don't believe I should have been guilty of anything. I never pried into her past. Past is the past. Against my best judgement, I went on trying to do the impossible, make her happy. Another moment when I "lied" was when I bought a video game that I wanted (She does not like me playing). For my birthday, she ended up getting me that same game. Well, my brother was there and his big mouth said "You already bought that game." She exploded. At the time, we were dating still, and I just feel like I was being controlled to the point I feared to do anything. I had to report what I was doing, with who, and if I spent money. It is a shame, I know. I fealt that I had no part left of me, and that in order to get something I wanted, this once I would not report it to her. Needless to say, I never played my game anyways. We got married very last minute. If I did something she didn't like, even as small as opening a cabinet door and forgetting what I was getting, she would throw a fit. My third, and trully only lie, was that I got a TV on sale at walmart. Impulse buy. I lied and said I got it for cheap from a local listing. I suck at lying, and she found the receipt. I returned it. Was a big mistake, especially with her. Remember, the whole time I am treated like crap. People see it. She says they are stupid, and that thats the way she is. My last "lie" I do not consider a lie. She has threatened divorce since we married, more so now that I told her I feel like I am not respected and treated poorly (Her response is if you hate it, leave). I used my phone and docurmented the house for inventory in case we decided to split. I can't trust her, as she is a vengeful person. My phone is password locked (For work purposes, not to hide anything from my wife. She knows my password), and a few weeks ago I left my phone at home and she was snooping through my email, facebook, and texts. She got mad that I was telling my brother to avoid the type of girls he has always gravitated too and is always hurt by (asians), that he should try and aproach some other race to see if its better. Well, I changed my password. Agian, I felt I had no privacy or a right to express an opinion. After I recorded the assets in my phone, we have been calm. No real issues, even though she is still cranky as ever. She mentioned if I had the video of our dog on my phone for some sort of dog competition. I showed her what I had, and accidently clicked on the one of me recording the house, naming things off. All she saw was a messy chair and me saying "This is the bedroom" before I shut it off. She instantly began screaming and asking why I did that. She tried to wrestle my phone out of my hand, and all I could come up with was I was showing the house to a coworker who had just bought a house. It was a moment of panick. I was damned if I told the truth that I did not trust her and was filming in case anything happened. I was still damned that I told her that. She was angry and demanded to see it, and that it wasn't my house to show. She slept up stairs, and every time I tried to talk she would turn her back and say, "Tell that to your video." and other things to that line. It's like being trapped with a controlling child that does not want to hear reason. I have no enjoyment, because that would be a waste of time to her. Then she tells me I am boring! The few lies I have told, I feel, were in fear. I regret the TV one. I never pried into her past. I know about some of her past that is pretty...dissapointing, but I NEVER use it against her or acknowledge that I know, even when she will lie about it to my face. It is the past. I never look at her emails or anything else. I respect privacy. I have nothing to hide, but my privacy is the only thing I have left. I know she talks bad about me to her friends, and even posts demoralizing things on her facebook looking for sympathy and some sort of justifcation from others. Do I pry? No. I told her that we should keep things private and not post things like that, but she refuses. She says my lies make her feel like she can't trust me. Am I lost? I accept I did bad things, though not to the degree of how she treats me (Even before the first "lie".) What should I do? | |||
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