| Hey all, I've been lurking around for a bit and finally decided to make a profile and ask a question of my own, as I can't seem to find a similar situation like mine in past threads regarding this matter. As the title suggests, my husband wants to get his PhD and I have some serious hesitations about it. I need some help gaining a new perspective about my situation. I'll provide you with some background info, but I'll keep it relevant. We started dating during the last few months of our senior year in high school, and it was very much that "love at first sight" crap. A few weeks after graduation I went off to basic training (I joined the military before we met and he knew this when we became friends) and we assumed a long distance relationship. For 5 months we exchanged letters and phone calls, until we decided to go for it and get married. We were both 19. Our marriage has sadly never been what I would describe as "happy." My husband had a nervous breakdown after we were sent to Germany 3 months after we got married, and some experiences I had in the military left me with severe PTSD, which I happily report is much better now. We've been married for 7 years, and 6 out of the 7 have been difficult to say the least. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive from the start and I engaged in an EA with someone I met in class back when I was in college. One day we just sort of had an explosion and we fought like we've never fought before, we got everything out and finally started to own up to what we both have done to each other. I could go on, but needless to say we traumatized each other and it's been a huge struggle to forgive each other and move on. But this last year has been downright amazing. We've both made serious changes, we fight less and we've never been this happy. Now on to the issue at hand: college. I have never understood the problem, but my husband cannot work and go to school at the same time. I don't really know why, and I don't want to press him because I don't want to make him feel bad about himself. I held a full time job and went to college full time and graduated in 4 years, unfortunately my husband still has an additional year of his undergrad to get through, and he's been at this for almost 5 years with 1 more to go. Last year he came home and one day announced that he had quit his job and will be only pursuing school until he's done. This sadly isn't the first time he's chosen to stop working. It's getting difficult to respect him and that scares me. A few months ago my husband approached me with the idea of going to graduate school for a masters degree which I fully supported because it would only be an extra 1.5 years. A few weeks ago he said the masters program was done away with and the only alternative is the PhD program which will add an extra 5 years on top of the remaining 1. I agreed to the idea on the premise that if our marriage goes south or I become unhappy then he will drop out instantly, and those are the terms he came up with. I really like seeing him so full of passion about something, but I'm having trouble backing him 100% on this. So I guess my biggest issue here is two fold. I have really come to resent being the breadwinner. At one point in time I used to feel proud and capable, but now I feel used and angry. A PhD student gets paid a monthly stipend of $1,000 a month for his particular program at his college of choice. That's better than zero, but I've been craving stability for 7 years and have gotten no reprieve. Part of me resents him for the things he's done to me in the past, and now he's asking me to keep supporting us for 6 more years. The very thought of it makes me sad, but the things that I've done to him weigh me down with such guilt that I can't bring myself to ask him not to do this. My second issue with this is my husband cannot tolerate stress well. He becomes very mean and angry and has a hard time controlling his emotions when stressed. For some reason my husband thinks this program is going to be easy. He thinks that the hardest part will be learning how to write exams. I don't know what's given him this idea, but I certainly think the opposite is true. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be one of those wives who forbids their husband from following his dream, but we only recently got on track and I've been patiently looking forward to him being out of school. | |||
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