| I'm 29 now. For about 10 years I was with a girl named Rebecca. We married 4 years ago and last year we got separated. A year after I got married though, I started seeing someone I work with on the side named Edith. I was never proud of it, but it happened for awhile and my wife never found out. I saw Edith when I could, she was really, really into me. I was really into her, but I never thought I'd leave my wife for her. I didn't, and after my wife moved out for other reasons, Edith and I started dating. At first it started well. I was kinda nervous about people around us knowing that we were dating, especially since it was soon after my separation, so we kept it quiet. We had a great time together. We were in love, as you should be at the start of a relationship. We couldn't keep our hands of each other when we were together (we did it in wide open parks, while her ex boyfriend was living upstairs, middle of the city at night) and when we weren't we wrote each other email after email. She would talk about moving in together, meeting her parents, she would tell me she'd do anything to make me happy, as long as we were together. The things she was saying started to make me nervous, and I backed off, I felt like I was betraying my ex-wife by moving on so quickly, and kinda f-ed things up at that point. I said I wasn't ready and I wanted to slow down. Edith didn't think that was fair but she hung on... She stuck it out, went on a trip to Germany with a friend for a month and cam e back. We spent Christmas with each other, all the while, me being a b*tch about taking things slow, and slowly pushing her away. Mind you, when things went well (when I wasn't being a ), they went really well. I was in love with her but couldn't bring myself to accept it. One day in April, I was once again being difficult about committing to an event that we had already planned... I guess I had spoken to my ex recently and that threw me off. I lost it, I told her that we'd never be good for each other and that she should just give up and piss off and stop bothering me all the time with these things that didn't matter etc. Yelling of course, in my car. She cried, the whole time, and I was an . It was the first time I hadn't waited for her to walk in the door before leaving in my car, just to be sure she got in. I've regretted that day more than any other in my whole life because of how I acted. About 10 days went by, and I started to feel like I had really ed up. This was the longest she had ever gone without replying to see me to talk after an argument. I tried contacting her a lot without reply. Finally she did answer one of my calls. She was pissed off as expected, but I still didn't realize that I could lose her for good. I did though. I had taken her for granted long enough and lost her. She told me that we were definitely not right for each other, that all this time she was too blind to see that I was still in love with my wife and that she needed to move on because she couldn't live her life arguing all the time with someone that was supposed to love her. She was totally right. I tried to tell her that I was wrong, that I didn't love Rebecca that way anymore and that I wanted to start a new life with her, Edith. I was too late though, she ignored every text message, email and phone call for the next three weeks, apart from 1-2 where she told me to stop contacting her because she was never going to change her mind. Those three weeks were probably the worst time in my life. I spent them at home, alone, not eating, drinking water, smoking weed and cigarettes endlessly and wallowing in my own self pity with sad music and movies. I spoke to no one at work, changed my hours so that I would spend the least amount of time at work while she was there as not to see her. My father and sister have anxiety issues although I had never felt any of the symptoms they described, up until then. I had feelings of anxiety at all times of the day, at worst in the mornings. During that period of time, I threw up every morning, sometimes nothing, just dry heaving. The feelings of anxiety would subside after I threw up, so then I'd go to work. All I could think about was how much I ed up, how I hurt someone I really cared about. I insisted we see each other, for whatever I could, and one day she accepted. That started the process of building back trust with her. I went to pick her up from her classes, I bought her the things she needed for her classes, we took trips together and had outings together. She told her friends I had really changed and that things couldn't be better. I gave her a great birthday gift she liked and she did the same for me. I met her friends and things went really well except for one thing. Since she does martial arts and loves it, she really admired the friends she had that were disciplined in taking care of themselves and their bodies. Not meat head idiots, just people that train to keep themselves in shape and healthy. Since she lost like 150lbs herself, she always hinted that she liked to see me do more physical activity. I'm not overweight, but I've got a little belly and my work is in a cubicle in a office. I had lost an a lot of weight from not eating (which she actuall y told me she liked the way I looked, although she didn't know how I had lost the weight). We spoke about it a couple of times but I always said that kung fu was her thing, not mine. I think she may have seen that as me being a lazy bum the rest of my life, although I do have interest in football and biking, but because of a lack of motivation and time, I just haven't done these things since my separation. But other than that, we were together and that's what mattered most, I was ready to do anything to keep us together because of how I felt for her. I knew we were compatible, we had proved it for such a long time. Then, things started going a little slowly, I noticed she wasn't as close as usual, especially intimately. The few times it happened I figured it was a combination of other things. Then she left on vacation with her kung fu pals for a week. We spoke during that week, she was distant, we actually argued by text once. I told her I missed her and she didn't really reply with "me too". When she came back (last Sunday), I was looking forward to seeing her. I called her, no answer. She texted me a couple minutes later to tell me she was asleep but would like it if I would come over to have supper. I ask if I can stay over, she says that she'd rather spend a night alone, since she hadn't in awhile. I go over, shes sleepy since it was a long drive, but I'm happy to see her so I grab her up and give her kisses and she giggles a little so I think all is okay. We watch a couple movies, smoke a little weed and I split. The next morning, thinking that what was bothering her may have subsided, I text her to find out what's wrong. She replies saying everything's wrong. That "this" isn't what she wants, that shes no longer attracted to me and doesn't want to be intimate with me. That I missed her way more than she missed me. She's sorry for saying these things but she doesn't want to lead me on. I don't reply. That evening, I get her things and anything she's ever given me in a bag and drop it off at her place. She texts me to tell me that it wasn't necessary for me to bring these things, especially the gift, but understands that I'm angry, and that there isn't anything she can do. I don't reply. I sent her an email on Friday to ask Why for a whole bunch of stuff, why not sooner, why so sudden, why by text and not to my face, considering everything we shared. She replied with not much more than a summary of events and didn't give me any real insight as to her thought process. She told me she was too cowardly to tell me to my face and she did tell me there wasn't anyone else, and that I have every right to feel the way I feel. She ended with "good luck" and "maybe one day we'll forget about all this" Today I saw that there are two major things I need to return to her that I forgot to and so I guess I'm going to go drop them off later. I'm hoping she isn't home. Now I don't really know where to go with this. I guess when someone says they aren't into you anymore and that they need to forget about "all this" it's probably a sure sign that you should give up hope. I don't know how to stop thinking about her, and what i could have done differently, and why she hates me so much to the point that she didn't even offer to be friends or anything. I was thinking about getting back into shape on a fast track and hoping for the best, but then that's just weak, isn't it? Giving in, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, it'd be like I'd be doing it just to be back with her, but it would keep hope that one day soon we could be back together. The other option I've evaluated is getting back into shape for myself at my own rate, and trying my best to not care about her. It's the part about not caring about her that I'm having trouble with. I don't know how not to and it's been getting in the way of my work at this new job I just got about 3 weeks ago. Finding a new girl isn't really an option now and Rebecca is involved with someone else. I'm so bloody dependent. I know reading this makes me look like a big douche but yeah. Everyone says time will make things better, but I'm not sure how to stay normal in the meantime. | |||
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