My fault (long)

My husband and I were engaged shorty after we started dating. We began having awful fights that were equally our faults. After one particularly bad one, he threw me out of the house. I was literally tossed out the door and had to beg for my purse. I got a hotel room and large bottle of liquor. I made the mistake of calling my ex and inviting him over. Things happened and I slept with him. I know it's cliché and I brought it on myself....but I honestly didn't want that to happen. I derived no pleasure from it and knew it was a mistake from the beginning. It wasn't until after my husband and I were married that I finally told him the truth. I know it was the wrong thing to do from the time it happened, and I saw that I had completely destroyed my husband.....broken his heart. After many fights and even more late night talks we decided we loved each other too much to separate. Please, don't misunderstand. I was punished for my actions....He's left me, called me every name in the book, and has made my life a living hell ever since. We both did lots of research to mend our relationship, but it seems nothing has improved our situation. I've read all about "being an open book" and "answer all the question the victim has." .....but it isn't enough. I've honestly tried my best to fix the mess I put him end and reassure him. I refuse to leave him as the broken man he is. The only thing worse than doing what I've done, would be to walk away without picking up the pieces. Fast forward a year and a half, and we are right where we started. Every 2 weeks like clockwork he explodes again. Calling me every name in the book and threatening me with divorce. He's driving me CRAZY! It's getting to the point where I just want to give in or blow my head off. Please help

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