| :confused:Hi everyone…first time poster. I have been reading for a while and honestly I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do. I have tried to condense and this is till novel so thanks ahead of time to anyone that gets through it. Little background… I am 37 (H), H is 41 (J). No kids of our own, but I have a 5 year old stepdaughter (B). We have been together for four years, married for two. H retired from the military in April 2012. We relocated to another state after his retirement. His retirement dream is to have our own self-sustaining farm (mine too). After a couple of months of being here, I got a job in my field. It's pretty well-paying considering where we live. I have to drive into a larger city three days a week (about an hour and 10 minute drive. It's not that crazy since I lived in DC the last 10 years and if you have ever lived there, you know what the commute is like! There is no traffic or anything like that). The other two days I work from home. Where is started to go wrong? I am just really not sure. His family - His family is an issue. Before we relocated, we saw his parents twice a year. He is the baby of four. I always enjoyed that his family was close. Mine is too, but I have come to find out in a totally different way. His parents are in their early 70s. Mine are in their mid-50s. He talks to his parents every day which is not a big deal. Where is went wrong with his family? Like I said, we relocated to rural TN in April 2012. We had been married a year at this point. Our first wedding anniversary actually fell in this time frame. Some notes – We had bought land as my husband was building our house himself. That was one of his retirement dreams to build our house with his own two hands. I supported him. We have an RV that we were living in at this time (still are actually). Anyone, we had been here not even a week when his Dad decided that to visit. As we were in an RV, he slept on the couch for 9 days. We offered him our bed and said we would sleep on air mattresses. He declined as he likes to get up around 4am. The bedroom in the RV has one of those half doors that doesn't go all the way to the bottom or top. He would get up every morning around 4 and do the dishes, VACUUM, etc. Don't get me wrong…I appreciate the chores, but at 4am, I would much rather have had the sleep. It's my husband's father so I didn't really say anything. We both were kind of rolling our eyes at this point. After nine, my MIL drove up to join him. Thankfully, at that point, they moved over to a time share facility about 20 minutes from our land. They stayed another 8 days and showed up around 7am every morning and left after dinner. His Brother – The Feb before we relocated, his brother moved to where we were going to be living. Before that, he had been living in FL with his parents after getting out of jail for drugs in NY. He found a job here and moved a couple of month before we got here. Before we actually moved in April, we moved the RV into place and brought some stuff down. One of the items that we brought down were our two Harleys. My husband wanted to put them in his brother's garage since we didn't really have a cover. He didn't consult with me on that and just did and didn't say anything. I find out where they are and I am concerned. He doesn't have a history of making good choices and I was worried about liability issues if he wrecked one (found out he was riding one of them to work every day) plus I just didn't trust him. Come to find out later, he was telling our neighbors that they were his bikes and that we were going to give him some land on the other side of the pond to build a house Um, no. Never discussed and not happening. ( Also, want to bring you up tp current day…he met some girl on Craigslist, moved in with her, he got arrested for DV, she cleaned him out of his stuff and destroyed what was left. What if the motorcycles had been in then? He is back now living in FL as of Jan 2013) Fast forward back to when his parents visited, husband's parents had gone over to brother's house to spend the night. This was actually some place somebody at work was letting him stay for free. It was a hunting cabin and it was not hunting season. My husband and I get into an argument one night about the motorcycles and he calls over to his brother's house and tells his Dad to get the motorcycles keys, etc. They show up like clockwork the next morning around 7am. Its obvious J and I are not speaking. His parents just sit around. I am working on some insurance stuff (had to have a medical D&C back in Feb of the year and the insurance company is fighting me saying I have other insurance although I don't) so I am on the phone, going to a neighbors to try to scan some documents to send over, etc. ) My husband comes in later and says he is going over with his parents to spend the night at his brothers. I don't say anything..just Ok. They all leave. I am sorry this is so long. If you have made it this far, God Bless you. He comes back the next day and is pissed with me. Said that his Dad came out at one point and was like,"She (meaning me) is not even talking to your mother." First, it was total bull. I was asking them questions about their trip to TX, where they were thinking of going next, etc. in between the 12 million insurance calls, etc. He is pissed because his mother didn't not feel welcome. Then come to find out that they all (parents, my husband and brother) all had this conversation with me and my BIL thinks my hormones must be off so now my husband things they are also. His mother mentions that she talked to my Grandma and she said my Grandma thinks I must have some big dark secret because I don't call her very much. I don't call you very much, Grandma, because you are a drama queen! All you want to do it talk about my siblings and what they are going wrong and how you are only allowed to see your grandkids (by my brother who lives close to her) twice a week because "their rules are ridiculous and you shouldn't have to follow them because you are the grandparent" for which translates you give them whatever the hell the want. My SIL has a 4 year old and in a surprise ended up having twins who are now 1. They are on a schedule for a reason. Sorry for the digression there. Anyway, I was pissed because his family apparently sat around talking about me and what's wrong with me. But when he came home and told me that his family felt unwelcome, I immediately called their cell phone. His father answered. I told them that I am sorry they felt that way and I apologized, that it was never my intention and I was sorry they were caught in the cross fires, and they were always welcome here no matter what. His mother would not even come to the phone. She called three days later like nothing was wrong. Husband went back to brothers for another night and brought both motorcycles home. For the record, I went the doc and my hormones were perfect. Not one thing wrong with them. Let's stop a moment intro his daughter... His daughter-Let's call her B. I met B when she was 1. He and his ex had broken up 6 months before I even met him. She moved out in Jan and we met in July. He had his daughter a few times a week. Maybe 2-3 days. We were not even remotely serious until the fall as I was coming off my divorce from the year before and I was just not interested in serious. I wasn't interested in anything. I was actually kind of half dating (dinner here and there..I wasn't sleeping with anyone but myself at that point!) a couple of other people at the same time. I ended up not even meeting B until the fall some time…I think around October. They were definitely no over nights when she was there. To me, that was a huge commitment beyond meeting your child in a park or coming over for dinner. Of course, B and I fell in love with each other. I was raised by my stepdad so I take it kids very seriously. At the same time, I was very conscious about B's mom (Let's call her L) and didn't want to over step my boundaries. Come to find out later that B's mom found out about me from B mentioned my name…J did not tell her. I cannot blame her for having bad feelings. I would have been pissed also if it was my child. I have held my tongue plenty of times, but I am kind of proud I have always been the bigger person. Time progresses and I end up moving in with J. I was still very careful with boundaries with B and L. I would never let B call me Mom even in playing. I think Mom and Dad are special words for special people. I actually was the discipline person when we lived together as well after we married. J never got that she loves me and listens to me because I consistent. I ask, give a warning, and then it's time out. When B was two, she got in to the habit of calling me, "Her H" and if anything body else said I was theirs, then hell broke out. Anyway, she is 5 now and we are totally bonded. She even uses some of my phases and totally has my love of animals. Her mom and I get along really now and are able to communicate. At the end of the days, it's all about what is right for B. I feel like I am a good stepmom and I know B loves me and I couldn't love her any more than I do. I always make sure she had Daddy time alone when she is here(since we moved we have her 10 days of the month) and make sure that she calls Mom, send pics, make sure she makes something for Mother's Day and Mom's bay, etc. I brought up B in the middle of the family issues so I could continue.. We moved in April 2012 to where we are now (think rural TN). We skipped our visitation in April because we were moving and our land was just not safe yet for a 4 year old. As part of the custody agreement, we go to where her Mom lives and have her for a week there. We normally take trips during stuff like that. Anyway, B's first visit to our new home was in August. Guess who wanted to be here? Yes, the inlaws (they live in FL). I was upset because I would have liked B's first visit to be about us and OUR family. I compromised and just asked that when B first gets here, can it be use for a couple of hours and then they can come over? J did tell them that, but apparently that made them feel unwelcome also. They were here another week. I would come home from work and they would be here. I had a dinner and invited them. I went over to their time share. I invited to do things and was turned down. Long story short, J still feel like his parents don't feel welcome here because of my "boundaries" and it's all my fault. I feel like I am rambling, but I want to say that I swallowed my pride and coordinated Xmas in FL and even went down a day early. I have also invited them to my family's 4th of July party where B will be as well as invited them to stop by here on their drive to NY. Last night, he was on the phone with them. He mentioned something about a loan that we are thinking about taking out. I was upset because I consider our financial business OUR business. I tried to talk to him, but he got sarcastic and defensive. I will totally admit it pushed my all my buttons. I hate being talked down to and I slammed the bedroom door and called him an ass. Also, want to mention that B is not with us right now so that was not in front of her. I apologized for it, said I felt like my boundary was crossed, and my buttons were pushed. Also admitted is was no excuse, but wanted to him to understand where I am coming from. He chose to spend the rest of the morning yelling at me, walking out when I tried to talk to him, telling me he wants a separation (I told him calmly that it wasn't what I wanted, but he was welcome to go.) He said he wanted to take B to his parents for her next visit…starting next weekend. He then came back and said that he had other thoughts, but hadn't had time to formulate them yet. I just had to wait. So we sit in silence until he is ready to talk. More Issues... We started counseling last October. I talked to the counselor about my boundaries about what is between us is between us and not his whole family. He agreed to it and I think he has stuck to it, but now he is coming out with it my entire fault that his family is unwelcome. He now states that he doesn't want to continue counseling because he is not getting anything out of it. The counselor did agree with me that boundaries and healthy and normal. We have land that we both totally love. It would be WW3 for either of us to give it up. I am just at a loss. I love him. I love B. I don't want to give up our dream. I have read all the threads on here about cheating. I totally know that neither of us are cheating. I have access to his whole computer (I also installed a spyware so I know what he doing. I felt horrible doing it, but wanted to be sure). We have one car and I know he doesn't go anywhere. He is totally here all day building. My best friend is our closets neighbor. She is on her 70s and she and I talk every day and she tells me every movement over here. When we were talking this morning, when he mentioned a separation and taking B to FL for her next visit. A part of me just doesn't want to give a damn. Let them go and do my thing. The other part of me says swallow my pride. This is my side of the story obviously. Anyway, if you have read this far, then you are a saint. I am just a loss. Ask any questions you want. Maybe I will just use this as a journal space. | |||
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