| I'm in my second year at uni and I've been single all my life. It's not always been through choice. I grew up in an awful family (parents divorced, emotionally manipulative and sometimes physically violent single mother who obviously cared more about her multiple boyfriends than me, siblings who were controlling and wouldn't let me so much as wear a skirt that went above my knees). Despite this I worked extremely hard and somehow managed to get to a decent uni, although I was so scared for my future before I got here that I didn't spend any time and effort on a boyfriend. I didn't even have one proper friend at home due to my restrictive family. Even taking my background into account, I used to be a nice person. It was my sense of right and wrong that saved me from my home situation and I tried to stick to it. The problem was that sometimes I was too nice. I didn't tell any of my uni friends about my family problems, but due to my lack of experience regarding certain things and the fact I was unwilling to drink to the point I was sick, and just do risky stuff when many others else did, meant I was always seen as the innocent, prudish one. I wasn't judgmental, but I stood out for it and never stood up for myself. I couldn't name one of my friend groups at university whom I feel totally respects me the way they do everyone else, or from whom I haven't heard snarky comments towards me at one time or another. A few months ago, I had had enough of this and changed completely. Instead of always trying to help others, I focused on myself and didn't give a damn about anyone who hadn't proven themself to be a loyal friend or at least treated me with respect: in fact I was often openly rude and cold to them and enjoyed it. I put people down before they could put me down if they'd often been mean to me before. I got off with guys on nights out and then walked away without so much as giving them my number once I'd had my way with them. I spread rumours about those who'd actually used to bully me that I knew were completely false but I also knew people would believe. I turned down invites from people who didn't really talk to me but just wanted more attendees at their parties so I could spend more time at my job. If I thought something had been done badly, I'd say so. The reaction among those whom I see most often has been interesting. It has not always been positive but I feel they take me more seriously now I'm not Miss Scapegoat any more. I know I've turned into a bitch... but I'm enjoying it and I'm tired of being that girl who people always step on. It feels like this is the only way I could grow as a person. Problem is, I'm 19 and part of me, the small part that still feels like it's nice and not just entirely selfish, wants a boyfriend. I get plenty of male attention in clubs, and sometimes I feel like all I really want is some great sex, but as self-serving as I've had to become I don't think one-night stands will be good for me, especially as I'm a virgin. But I've had to fight so hard for people to see me as their equal sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of loving a nice guy in the way he deserves to be loved any more. Would any guy go out with someone who prioritised herself and was as arrogant, cocky and self-serving as I've become? Or should I just wait till I become a better person again and then start looking for a boyfriend? | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment