| There are a few threads on TAM at the moment discussing issues around being married vs being a parent. I've been thinking about it a lot, it's certainly something that my husband and I struggled with after our first daughter was born. My husband and I had been together a long time before we became parents. We were very happy. We were financially secure, we planned for and wanted our baby, we had some family support and a healthy, single baby. We were as prepared as its possible to be. Yet we were really shocked and unbalanced by the change in our lives. We ended up very unhappy for a couple of years, and we could easily have separated. So what happened? A big part was our baby was a terrible sleeper. A scream before each sleep, wake-every-hour, take-an-hour-to-resettle sleeper. Until she was almost 12 months, and then she still didn't sleep through until she was well over two. So I was permanently exhausted. That made me cranky and in a bad mood. My husband withdrew, which is how he handles conflict. I withdrew in retaliation. I thought he didn't care, didn't miss me the way I missed him. Our sex life dwindled away, I thought he didn't care. Also, when our baby was three weeks old, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and a brain tumour. Thankfully, he responded very well to treatment, and is well today, six years later. But at the time, we thought he might not have long to live. My husband felt I was prioritising my dad over our baby, I felt he was being unsympathetic and unsupportive. We managed to sort things out when my daughter was four and her sister, one. Things weren't terrible the whole time, but I'd say for a good two years they were. Anyway, now things are great again, but there are many things we still can't do. We don't leave our kids with babysitters at night, we haven't been away together since the oldest was born. My parents are great, but they both still work part time, they're in their 60s and I think having two little kids for the weekend is too much to ask. So how have we managed to get back to loving one another? I had a very good example of a happy marriage growing up, my parents were always loving, respectful and physically demonstrative with each other, even though they could rarely get away together as all their families were interstate. They also made my brother, sister and I feel totally secure and absolutely beloved. There was no doubt that they would each save their children from drowning before they'd save each other. This is a very long post. I'll finish now. What I'm interested in are real, practical ways that parents stay connected as married people while still being able to give their children everything they need emotionally. And for babies and toddlers, that's a lot. | |||
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