| HISTORY: Married 15 1/2 yrs; together 7 yrs prior. 1 (adult) child only, who's lived away since starting college 8 1/2 yrs ago. BACKGROUND & INTIMACY 1)-MANY common interests & LOTS of great fun up through 02/'13. 2)-Obviously very good, frequent, & mutually satisfying sex 'till 1-2 yrs ago. Around that time, husband started sleeping in guest room, saying I snored (as does he); last slept in same room at home ~1 yr ago. 2)-Around then I stopped being the one to initiating sex, which dwindled to 4x/1 yr, with him initiating 2x. It was still very good, & he's always said I was so sexy. 3)-Within the past 6 mos I know I still did it for him, as he'd get turned on by (unfortunately) infrequent french kissing & by my dancing closely with him. 4)-He used to joke that he was a sex addict; sometimes a tiny bit flirty with girls, but noted by male friend to look twice with attractive ones around 5)-First said he didn't initiate as much sex past 1-2 yrs because of some of my prior (largely resolved) health issues, eg, bad back, reflux. I only denied him <6x/23 yrs TOTAL/EVER. 6)-Porn popped up a lot ~10 yrs ago & was mostly male/female. 7)-I'm 20# more than when first married, but he reassured me I was still sexy, always said I was beautiful, said I was never a prude & that he loved how open/receptive I was in bed. He also noticed other men's (unsolicited & unreciprocated) attention toward me in social settings. I'm very feminine, have good style, & wear dresses a lot, which he always loved.8)-In past 6 months, also said he had no sex drive & didn't want sex with anyone, yet took Viagra without me. MD ruled out hormonal-type issues. He showed no signs of depression, though he was easily angered & verbally disrespectful towards others behind their backs. ADDITIONAL: He is clearly pretty functional alcoholic, though he denies it's more than drinking too much. In counseling; says its really helping. Working on identifying possible cause of PTSD with probable childhood onset. COUNSELING: 1 joint session since 03/'13. Therapists recommended he work on his issues, & for me to work with another (primarily for coping) before joint counseling. Next joint in 2 wks. Counseling began after I learned of.... BOMBSHELLS 1&2: 1)-Learned of his comprehensive online dating profile early 03/'13 seeking female Long or Short term relationships, pen pals. -->>He admitted this, said it there have been no meetings with anyone; site said he "replies often." He deleted site, said he was going to regardless, but was on it 2 days before i found out. 2)-Also discovered a shorter profile, but couldn't bring up who (male or female) he was seeking; it discussed exploring physical relationship/FWB. Sought traits that I completely possess. He denied it was him, but it was same general language & extremely low-incidence, 1/million name he used. MY RESPONSE: SO Sorry! Didn't know you we're so unhappy (which he's also denied 50% of the time). I'll do anything to help us/you/me. Now that I know request for help wasn't just said in anger, please me a chance, etc. BOMBSHELL 3: 1)-He called 3 wks after my learning of his initial profile, saying A)-he couldn't work on his issues at home ("too hard"), B)-"it's mostly about me & has nothing to do with you," C)-he rented a room an hr away/closer to his job. 2)-Wont tell me (or parents) where he is (though I think I know the building his room is in). 2)Consistently repeated that he didn't want a divorce; during last talk, though, it became quite apparent that that is what he's thing of. 3)-I am pretty sure a divorce is inevitable & may be best. :(.... :/ :o HIS COMPLAINTS: 1)-After discussing online info with me, said we "never talk," though I was always there & we talked a ton about the same things over & over & over. 2)-Also random, lesser complaints, (eg, how I pose when photographed in family shots, etc). 3)-During 4 arguments over 2 yrs, he asked to go to counseling. I 1st said "not until we try sleeping together more." He later said he'd arrange counseling, but didn't. I thought things were really OK, (since he didn't ask again or arrange anything)...& that our marriage was actually getting better overall - though in retrospect, I felt ignored a fair amount, & sad that I couldn't travel on overnights more with him for his work. ADDITIONAL SEXUALITY CONCERNS: 1)-VERY Evasive when asked if bi or gay, (or if seeing male or female), though I told him I'd support him if he were. 2)-Also said his feminine side is something he's "always known." 3)-Found evidence of him masturbating anally a handful of times & doing enema 1x. He also became so preoccupied with my butt in sex later, though he knew I much preferred he enjoy my lady parts more. 4)-Shared that his main fantasy on our anniversary was to know "how it feels" for me, & he ultimately became verrry preoccupied with his own butt. 5)-I found between 1 to a over a half dozen pairs of my panties in s laundry on at least 8 separate occasions. Said he was so ADHD that he ran out & forgot to buy more. 6)-Also didn't want me doing his laundry, saying I shrunk his clothes. 7)-I found other, smaller pairs that weren't mine or daughter's a few times. 8)-once found scrap of paper on which he'd written "girls dirty panties" or something like that that appeared t o be a website. Said he didn't recall writing it. 9)-Extreme grooming: mask, exfoliator fund in the shower, curls eyelashes. Found concealer in his toiletry bag. Obviously wearing mascara at least 2x, but denied. 10)-Bald, buts he hates his body hair. Had ~$1000 of electrolysis to back few yrs ago. Before he moved out, noticed chest hair shaved with a long strip of hair down the center of his chest with the sides shaved. 11)-Once came to me saying "I have a surprise for you"...his shaved pubic hair. 12)Before marriage, once came over & gave me a penis-like dildo, out of the blue 13)-Also found **** rings in his toiletry bag & in guest bedroom before he moved. 14)-Has said he thought homosexuality was wrong (he's a non-practicing Catholic), & that he doesn't want to be with or think about men. 15)-Has more clothes than I do, always the best brands. 16)-Always (eg, daily or more) asked about his appearance though I constantly told him how handsome he was/is. 17)-Frequently co mmented on men's appearances (eg, watching TV). Also, super-strong & frequent opinions on decorating & women's clothes (eg, "great purse!") - & yes, I know that may be a stereotype, thank you. 18)-He's lied about many miscellaneous things that I can/did prove...but has said there's nobody else, & that he HAS to & WILL NO MATTER WHAT "get to the bottom of this" (ie, possible cause/PTSD &, I think, intimacy/sexuality thing). QUESTIONS: Gay? bi? sex addict? Crossdresser, etc? I'd LOVE KIND/FAIR & honest opinions to help me understand what's happened. He's called just 2x since leaving, & I haven't seen him for over a month since just before he left. He has been pretty nice on the phone, & we will meet soon to discuss the house, etc. I AM STAYING POSITIVE though I now know our marriage is over. This has been heartbreaking, shocking, lonely, & depressing!!! | |||
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