deaing with an LD spouse

All I believe I may have an LD spouse. She's rarely interested in initiating it. In the beginning (several years ago) I would initiate it almost every other night (and day if I could have the time), and she told me how she felt used that I felt we were better off as friends. I've never turned her down, except when I really had to do so. On the few occasions she did, I no longer know what she wants. I have asked her what she wants. I've been giving oral for the past 6 years (and received it just once; I no longer want to ask her to do something she is not excited about). I've tried switching between the clit Orgasms and Vaginal orgasms school. She merely nods that "it's nice". She's moaned may be on 5 occasions (that's how I know she liked it). I would love it if she approached it from a purely selfish angle because she could work towards achieving her needs that way. I've stopped discussing this with her; she feels pressured to the point that she feels she must be interested and her responses come from her lips instead of her heart. I do not want to subject her to emotional and intellectual slavery. She has every right to be asexual. She's the only woman I've had all my life. No GFs. I have no clue what women are like sexually. I've no women friends either. We met at a wedding and got married very shortly afterwards. I am thankful to her for being a mother to 2 children we've had over the years. She's gone lose down south due to the deliveries, but I seriously doubt if I could convince her to do any exercise, let alone Kegels. I wanted to buy Ben Wa balls as I post this message, but I fear she may scoff at the idea. As I see it, she's happiest watching soaps, movies, being with her family and friends apart from the kids. We have no mutual interests other than the challenges thrown at our marriage by providence. We have debts, but she doesn't want to look at the numbers because they make her "tense". She's a SAHM. I've been watching porn for nearly all my adult life, with a reprieve during the early years of our marriage. I feel terrible about it, especially because I want my children to have a normal father regardless of all the shades it entails. I've always felt badly about myself because of this. However, as I've been reflecting upon my life lately, I feel I could've turned out worse. I began masturbating at 6, fantasized about my best friends' moms from 7. Got into trouble with the mothers of some girls I fancied as a kid. I am saying this because I've noticed women mention watching porn as premeditated evil. I do not think being a HD is something to be proud of, but I think some people do not know what it is like to be one. When I was younger all I wanted was to watch (if not touch), a woman's breasts and behind being fondled and kissed without thinking about myself. I am growing old, and I feel like being wanted, to be touched, to be spoken to in a conversation. I am writing this to ask you folks if you find yourselves in a similar situation and how you deal with it. I have no plans of walking out of the marriage. I've never believed in counseling. So if you want to write along those lines, it may not be of use to me. Thank you!

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