DDay one year ago.

I need to vent... And in the process, maybe be of help to others who find themselves where I've been, or where I am, and maybe help me get to where I need to go. So here's how my DDay went. Warning: this is an unadulterated, unsensored, real life crisis. I you are quimish about reading one mans pain then please avert your eyes... Better yet. Surf over to the food channel web site and find a new recipe for this weekends rib roast...or something... 1) d day is one year ago next week. 2) I knew there was problems with m R. 3) sex wasn't what it used to be 4) we slept in separate beds together 5) fighting was at top of your lungs decibel levels And then I saw it... The verizon bill. There, shouting out at me, were line after line of send/receive messages. For those who can't visualize that... Imagine hundreds of messages your spouse is exchanging with someone else...every few seconds. For hours... Like starting at 9 at night and going till 2 in the morning...and then starting up again early the next morning... The thousands of texts were to a number 5 states away. When I thought she was asleep When I was asleep When I was in the shower When SHE was in the shower (with the door closed and the water running) That was one week from today...a year ago. Now most of the people here reading these words can never forget their own personal pearl harbor. The night the bombs start falling. For me, I remember going home that night and numbly sitting at the table staring at her... Every conceivable question was running through my mind... Naturally, before I came home from the office I googled the number, and googled the results, and surfed for what seemed like a life time...till I was absolutely sure the it was in fact her old fiancé from 35 years ago. I will never forget the reaction she had when I started to ask my questions ( which I had rehearsed while I drove home). We have a problem...we don't communicate any more...what's wrong with us in your view, honey??? She calmly explained we weren't the same people, we've changed, after 12 years together there was no love...etc.etc.etc. I asked her about our old relationships... Did she miss any of the. Former boy friends or her ex husband? No, no, no...was the answer. So then I asked her about Mr Almost Married Him...and you know what happened?... Still time to avert your eyes... Her nipples stood right up under her shirt at the mention of his name... And that was the start of my personal hell. One I am still deep deep into... No light at the end of my tunnel. There have been soo many nuclear relationship bombs that have gone off since then. Each one blowing up another part of the illusion I've called my life for the past 12 years. I will end this by saying the hurt and pain are still screaming in my head... Just as loud and just as painful as on that day in April 2012. I celebrated my 58th birthday yesterday... Very different in every way from last year...yet somehow not different at all. I'm alone. I'm in pain. I hate everything about my current life.. And yet the people around me all say how great I'm doing. How much I've overcome. How I've changed the way I look, and dress. How I'm in the gym weekly. How I've lost 45 pounds. How I seem to be putting the pieces back together so well. You all know the truth... You all know what it's like. And you all know just how far I've got to go till I can say to myself...your OK now.. So, know this... If you are just starting out on your similar journey: I feel your pain. And if you are in the same place as me, one year later, dosent this suck it!!! And if your years past your DDay...share a few words of wisdom or just pat me on the back and help me keep going. Thanks for letting me vent.

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