| this is long, sorry I have read many stories on here from both BS and WS, some make me hurt so deeply that it brings up every awful thing I did to my BH. Some have made me angry, where I read the BS made their WS feel like nothing the entire marriage, then when the WS does the unthinkable (cheats) has remorse and seems to try and do the heavy lifting needed to make the marriage rebuild, I keep reading over and over from angry BS how you must make that person see hell before you will give them an inch. (From what I have read on a few occasions the whole marriage was hell, that's why they cheated). Don't need to be bashed it's an observation. Don't get me wrong, I cheated on my husband and I have done and still do all of the heavy lifting needed to help us recover. About me: I was raised with a strong religious background, "You marry once and you do everything you can to make that marriage work". (My parents have been married for 52 years). Because of how I was raised I took a very strong stand on right and wrong, I have lectured many a friend on cheating and how could they think of doing such a thing? I also used the words of, "Marriage is hard and you fight for it, it's too easy to get divorced. I can tell you why I cheated and some of you will tell me Im rug sweeping and that Im making excuses, never the less, it's why I cheated!! My BH asks me for the whys and gets angry when I tell him as he doesn't want to know he helped push me there, (again I realize it's no excuse) he wants to hear he was perfect and Im the ***** wife that betrayed our marriage, I own the fact that what I did is horrible, and I cry daily and apologies daily, Im not a heartless person, in fact Im forgiving to a fault. I have done everything a WS should do, I told my children, I told my parents, I told my friends, I told my Boss. I no longer talk to friends, I call my husband and stay on phone on way to work , then call him from work phone and call him every hour, I eat at my desk and call him whenever I need to get up from my desk for more than 5 minutes. I then follow the same routine for my drive home; I go nowhere by myself with the exception of my job, all friendships have been severed. I offered to quit my job; however Im the only source of income for many years now and my husband said no it would cause too much financial hardship. Why it came to this: It's a very long story of what pushed me over the edge. (Here is where everyone will say I sound like every other woman out there that has cheated) The short of it was, years of wanting my husband to want me. I was so tired of begging for his affection, 8 months at a time would pass before he would touch me and it felt like I had to plead for it, in my mind I was fat, ugly and why would he ever want me. I know it's no excuse; I was so tired of being told that we don't need to make love to be in a happy marriage, I felt rejected for many, many years. You will ask me; well maybe he had a sexual problem? No problem, he took care of himself daily, watched porn (extensive porn collection) and did other things to help him be fulfilled, I did take care of my own needs and after years of having a closing intimate relationship with myself I just had enough and still longed for someone to touch me. What happened you wonder? Here comes the hard part. I like so many other started to use Facebook, all was innocent in the beginning, I friended an old elementary school friend. He would say stuff like, "wow you are so sexy". I don't need to tell you that, you know it!! type of crap, This led to pictures and short videos of me, I never could send enough and he would also send stuff back (he was not married or had kids) at first it filled my needs and was more of an emotional type of an affair, never loved him, I just enjoyed the attention, here was someone telling me I was hot and sexy and believe me If my husband would of I know for a fact I would not of strayed as far off as I did. After a few months I became well aware it was all about being dirty and sexting and we would never end up doing anything physically. In my mind, I knew it was wrong but justified it. I was never going to get what I wanted out of the online flirting or should I say what I thought I wanted. All of this was not enough as I just wanted to be touched. My husband was not coming to bed until 3 am most nights (video games) and would sleep late into the morning and the more he pushed me off the more it became ok. I did this sexting with one other old guy friend for a few months before I realized I just wanted to have sex, no strings. (We never met either) I have read on TAM that a woman can't be with another man and just have sex, that it's all emotional for her and only men can have sex and have it be only sex ( Im here to tell you, that is all I wanted). One night after drinking too much (yes... the more I felt abandoned the more I drank and the worst I got). I through myself at my husband and I did!! he smiled and went about his normal business, it has now been 2 years of me sexting, I was drunk and feeling rejected and I opened an AFF account, (this is very hard to type) At first I forgot I did this as I was again drunk and used an old email that I didn't check often. When I did go in to check mail, about a week later, I had hundreds of emails; I had put pictures up asking why my husband didn't want me? I asked a heartfelt question in the worst possible place. I didn't meet any of these guys for months; I just enjoyed the ill-gotten attention. All in all I meet 5 guys, 4 I did nothing with, just coffee and many emails and one I eventually slept with. I wrote the guy the next day and told him to not feel obligated to ever email me again and erased all correspondence with him, I wanted to forget that I just did such a horrible thing, I wanted to enjoy it but the whole thing was awkward and didn't give me what I really wanted and that was to be touched by someone who loved me. I continued to email these guys as I believe I enjoyed the chase more than the prize. A few weeks after I slept with this guy, I let my guard down and was caught on the AFF website. Dday My life has never been the same; I knew that I married an alpha male that puts up with no one's crap and has removed even his own sister from his life for doing him wrong, he surely would not tolerate my behavior, The whole time I was angry and acting out I told myself, he has been trying to get me to leave him so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy, that he didn't want me that he was with me to pay the bills. Well he was angry and I was scared of him and I will say some not so nice thing happened the first few days, do I blame him, NO! I hurt him, and I lied and it just got worse and worse, I wanted so bad to tell him everything and be done with it, he would ask me to tell him everything, every little bit I gave provoked more anger and I was afraid, I won't lie I was scared to death of him at that point, he was so mad and had a look I have never seen before and it was directed at me. I honestly can't blame him for raising a hand to me, I didn't come completely clean with him until a week later, I was wrong for holding back details and the only thing I can say is maybe at that moment he would have been justified in killing me. From day 1 he had all passwords all computers all phones. He read through years of emails and made a timeline for himself. Reconciliation is hard, I truly love this man and although he is rough around the edges at times, I know he has a wonderful heart. He has forgiven me and has told me to not expect to ever be trusted again. I work hard every day to reassure him that I will never do this again, I know I won't even if he won't believe me, I could never hurt him like that again, I would just a soon take my life then to cause this kind of pain again. Now all these months later, Im faced with a lot of remorse, how does one forgive one's self? I have depression and severe anxiety and have been on medication for over 20 years for this, it is severe and I do realize by drinking I was self-medicating. I have had to think of my children long and hard to keep me from killing myself, if it wasn't for that I would not be here. I hate me, I loathe me, and I feel the world would be a better place if I removed myself from it. This is not all brought on by what I did, this is a lifetime of built up self-worth. I realize I'm trying hard to understand my behavior. My husband has said to me on many occasions, why would you do this? You had such strong conviction, which is one of the hardest things for me, how could I go against every fiber of my being???? Im working hard to forgive myself, not just for my affaire but for the lifetime of pain that has become me. Im responsible for my own happiness, the things that happened to me as a child are not my fault, (I was molested and I can talk about it now). The things I allowed to happen to me as a teenager (excepting abuse as love from a boyfriend) and confusing sex with love. I always believed that for someone to love me that they show this through sex. Hence my husband not touching me equated to him not loving me. I honestly not sure if this gives any insight to the betrayed, I just feel the need to say Im so sorry for all of the pain that so many here have endured. | |||
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