New to forum... hurt, lost & lonely.

I'm 27 and been with my OH 8 years, married 3 1/2 years. No regular arguments or obvious change to our relationship but in August he had shingles and seemed to be quite low. We have had a lot of financial trouble (mainly him over spending and not paying certain bills). Suddenly in September he walked out but came back (more because he was encouraged by his parents I feel). In October he went again. I then went to stay at my parents for 3-4 weeks to give us some space as he had no where else to go. We met up a few times and one particular time he met me with flowers, we had a lovely lunch date and he asked me to come home. I really hoped this was a positive step forward. We were intimate twice within the first week or so but then he said it felt wrong being in our bed and slept in spare room. I then found out he had been having some kind of affair and he wasn't able to decide what he wanted. I started seeing a counsellor and he came once with me and 4 times on his own. We spent Xmas together (his suggestion) and then on the saturday between Xmas and NY it all errupted and I went to confront this OW but she wasn't in, he knew somehow I was at her house and said if I wanted to talk to her she was sat in our lounge, she wasn't having me making a scene outside her house! I came home and completely lost it with him. Once I'd managed to get her to leave, I told him to pack a bag and he went to stay with his parents. On NYE his parents went going to stay with family in Australia for 11 weeks and he has been there since with little or no contact from him. We have no children but we have joint obligations i.e mortgage. Finally this weekend a relative seems to have got him to pull his head out of the sand and he seems willing to meet (this thursday we have arranged.) I know his actions/behaviour are spelling its over but I'm so hurt, angry and upset that i don't understand how I have got to this point. I wreck my brain trying to think of something i have done or not done, a sign that I could now think yes that makes sense. I know I deserve to be happy and loved but I love him with my whole heart and I miss him so much. How can you love and hate equally at the same time:confused: I'm worried for what Thursday will bring. People are telling me often that I will be ok, I will be fine - just doesn't feel like it right now.

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