My Wife;s outlook is always negative and short focussed about life.

I have been married for 11 years and known her for 13. Life started out pretty much OK for us staying in a joint family with our parents. We moved out 7 years ago and have made a life of our own. while moving towns my wife quit her job and I assured her that I would work hard to provide for the both of us. I have slogged my ass off and am now in a good job that pays handsomely. Most 37 year old's in my position can only dream of the job and pay package I earn. Sex is good and some common things click and over all we have been a happy family but the last 5 years have been not all that great. All through these years she pressurized me to invest in a house so that we could start early and pay off faster so that our retirement years would be debt free. It took me some time to reach a credit level to afford a decent house and I finally got my own apartment in 2010. It cost me $185K for a 1800 SFT apartment and I am managing the mortgage payments effici ently. I manage the house hold finance and the cash flow and never have I said no or refused any thing she wanted to buy. these days as my mortgage payments have changed due to rising interest rates I had to tighten the belt and any discussion over finances results in a bitter fight. Her disposition is that I discuss it because she isn't earning any more. We decided to have a kid in 2009 and got pregnant and the baby was born in 2010. She has been depressed (postpartum depression) for the last three years but refuses to admit it. I recommended that she go to a specialist and talk about how she feels and that it need not be therapy. May be some lifestyle changes could ease her tensions. But she refused to go and it has now come to a point where she threatens my daughter with fear tactics (locking her in a dark bathroom) , threatening her that bees will bite her and many other things to handle the normal things a 3 year old would not do impulsively. I keep telling her that we will not raise our child they way we grew up and that she will grow up in a optimistic and positive environment.BTW depression runs in her family and both her parents are right now in a unthinkable state with their own marital discord. But time and again it comes to bitter fights about silly things. Just last week she was on a two week vacation with my daughter at my parents house - as she was getting bored at home, I dug into my savings to pay for her trip and gave her enough cash for retail therapy. I cut corners on my daily meals, travel and binge with friends to compensate for the trip so that the regular expenses can be met. While on the trip she has started planning her next vacation and got into a bitter fight because I didn't book a discounted air fare in time (not my fault the website crashed due to the hot offer it was running). This year we move into our apartment that's under construction since 3 years and I have not saved up a single penny to buy a light bulb s ince 3 years. Neither did we splurge on things other than household items. My previous job left me in a financial mess in 2010 when they didn't pay me 6 months dues. it took me almost 18 months to recover from the hand loans I had taken and simultaneously pay the mortgage on the new house. although i have not been on a vacation or taken leave from work these last 3 years, she has been sent on two vacation every year (1 to her moms and 1 to my moms). She wants financial independence but she cannot get back into her industry because she has taken a 5 year break and she doesn't want to personally continue in the line of work she was in. Which leaves her a fresher in any other field she would want to join as she has no other trade skills. I have been telling her to start some thing on her own so that she can work on her own terms. But she gets excited and will leave it to me to execute. The last three years were dedicated to the baby but she had enough time to cultivate a hobby , or plan a new business or get out and make new friends . But she has just wasted her time. I work as a technical consultant and I am passionate about music. I have been a guitar player for the past 26 years and since 2010 when my daughter was born I restarted my band and I actively give time for practice and local shows. I play for free with my friends and it has become my medium of expression and de-stressing. No family time is expended in my quest for musical excellence. I practice with my band early mornings 5 am to 9 am at a jam pad and have bought all my gear on credit cards than dipping into savings. I then come back from practice and contribute to all the house hold chores that I can do. I work from home and that gives excellent face time with my daughter and my wife. I hate indecisiveness and when I put my foot down she always retorts that I am dictator and the rule in the house is "My way or the highway" .... Actually its has been her way all through out. She makes foolish investment decision and I pay all her insurance and health care bills. I have offered literally every options from learning music, to art, to a regular job, to walking dogs, baking cakes and biscuits and every retailing fashion as a start up venture. But she just doesn't want to get working. And she is frustrated that she is a home maker / housewife. Her argument is that the baby an the household chores are sucking her life away. To be frank we have a domestic helper who does the cleaning, cook who does the cooking and I take over the grocery shopping and weekend cooking and dropping the kid at schools every day. Her life goals are flimsy, she has had a unsettling childhood with her parents constantly shifting her from one place to another due to their own issues. Sh e scrapped through college and is not aggressive in her career path and goals. She will wait for the grass to grow than seek out better things. I married her because she was a person who let me be what I am rather than ask me to be her prince charming. She still allows me to do all the things I want to do with out objections but life in the late 30's cannot be like life in the mid 20's when all we though was romance and forbidden sex and movies and valentine gifts. We have a family to raise and we have to set an example for our child. She sulks a lot on little thing and literally wastes her time doing nothing but mulling over her thoughts in bed. I sulk for exactly 1 minute and then the next moment I will be playing heavy metal or wrestling with my daughter in her play room. Or watching a funny cartoon on TV or cooking an exotic recipe from the internet to make her feel better. It ends up in Sex and the next minute we can be bitterly fighting over some silly statement that s he will make. today my daughter ran into a wall face on and hit her forehead. She was hurt and was bitterly crying, when i asked my wife where did she hurt her self, she pointed to the wall, my intention was to know what part of her body got hit and when I asked her the question again she snapped at me in front of my daughter. She argued that she felt as if I was accusing her of not having monitored my daughter and that she was responsible for it. In fact I asked in the most gentlest of voice "where did she get hurt" .. I was stumped and I decided I had it. I took her alone into a room and vented my anger at her verbally. I just could bear the ignorance and the arrogance in her behavior. She refused to eat her dinner subsequently. So I told her that we made a promise that we would not say such things. She refused to eat and told me to buzz off. As soon as I started heating her food in the microwave she started cussing me form the living room that I was selfish and went away to eat alone wi th out bothering about her. She does this in front of my daughter who naively asks "mama why are you talking like that" .. My wife also cusses my daughter a lot instead of trying to understand how a 3 year old would normally behave. My daughter is cheerful, all excited energetic and full of life, she is a bit moody but needs attention, she is very loving child and a joy to be with but when she doesn't do as the mother says , my wife will cuss her in an inappropriate manner. It reminds me of those low lifes living in shambles, drunk, abused and disrespectful of each other and the society they live in. I fear that my daughter will learn to cuss and will repeat it in schools and with her friends. I tried being patient with my wife every since the baby was born and have been supportive, there have been a few occasions I threatened her with divorce if she didn't buck up (not that I meant it but had to say it to silence her as she kept ranting away with no end) ... Now a days the intensity of the arguments h ave gone up and I am perhaps one more step closer to contemplating separation. But don't want to do that as her family has 4 divorces and one one the brink and this wil set a bad example. Plus it will affect her parents are they are in depression already and cant go worse. I know my life is bleeding every time there is un-happiness in the house and argeuments and if it continues its better to be away from each other. But for my daughter I probably cant until she she older. Life will change for both of us and we are not that extreme .. but the fact that I am posting on this forum means that I don't have too many self control options left in the days to come. there are 101 things that we can be proud and happy about as a family, which just doesn't see. She is only concerned about the negatives and her immediate reaction is to sulk or argue about things and take it a bitter ending. I wil be ok tomorrow morning as I will sleep over it. the issues are far from over as I am a forgive and forget man than one to hold it in his heart. I rather spend time practicing my set list than mull over things. I have even tried to take her out and discuss passionately that I feel and how I try to over come anguish, but it falls in deaf ears. thank for listening th ere are a million other things but just cant write it all down.

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