| I filed for divorce last month & the pain is just excruciating. My husband & I met 18 years ago as kids & after break ups and make ups ... got married 6 years ago. We had a beautiful 4 year old & life was great. We were never rich but love was abundant. He was wild when he was young and too much for me to handle. When we came together 7 years ago, he had just got out of prison for DWI's. I was dumb to think that a person like him could beat his demons but spoke so positive and had such dreams and high ambitions. He loved me & my then 5 year old to the moon and back. He called us his saviors and we married not long after having our own angel. It's puzzling to me that I can not wrap my mind around why after so many years of not only doing well with us but successfully opening up 2 thriving companies that all of a sudden it seemed too much. Tempers got short, verbal and emotional abuse was at a high, work started taking all night long, bills weren' t getting paid and he wasn't participating as a family. We refinanced our house to pay for debt that he acquired & 9 months later we sold our house and paid off more. It was obvious something was happening but it wasn't clear to me what. I wanted so badly not to lose my love or give up and believed it was just bad business. During the last 6 months, I realized if I didnt learn to let him go then the depressive feelings that I was feeling was going to effect me more. He may of abandoned my kids but I am their rock and will not let anything stand in my way of caring for them, even if that meant letting him go. After blaming work overload for late nights, finding him passed out in the floor or passed out in a running truck with doors wide opened to our house at 3 am, many times... I made the decision to file after Christmas. It was a long & hopeful wait. Hoping miracle changes would come about or something could explain the last 6 months of basically him living in the garage bu t didnt happen. After Christmas came and my sweet girl woke eagerly to see what Santa brought, she found her Dad passed out in the living room, not a Merry Christmas or anything all day. I filed and I moved out. It's very difficult owning a company and working a second job in Real Estate, taking care of 2 kids, downgrading to an apartment and getting everything manipulated back on me that its my fault for everything. I was the majority bill pay payee even though he made more. I feel like to compare to anything is to compare to mourning. I read it takes over a year to get over an ex and that seperating is a full time job on its own. I guess that explains the pain and how tired I am. I hope this didn't ruin me on another relationship one day and trying one day at a time to counter all the negative attacks Ive received. I think he wanted to bring me down to his level and tried to do everything to do it. Turns out 2 weeks after the filing that a coworker of his came clean and t old me that he was addicted to methadone and thought I should know. I know nothing of it but that it has stolen my husband. A couple weeks after that found another coworker that said he started pain pills and adderol(spl?) 1.5 years ago which is when I started noticing small changes. When I see him, I anger him immediately with just the sight of me. He belittles, accuses and I know its probably jelousy that I am not on his level. I abandoned him ... i left him with the kids and took all hope ... I did this to him with my "controlling behavior". It's all my fault! Is that the denial speaking? He's staying in my rental, not paying a cent, contributing nothing to the children or myself. He's taking away income by living there and I had to contribute to keep the electric on bc he was living in the dark. He was handsome! The most handsome man with beautiful blue eyes, tanned skin and dark hair. Now his muscular form looks weakened, his eyes are lifeless... Not to mention he stop ped caring as much for his appearance. I guess I rambling about my lost love ... I mourn him for what he was and is so hard to see what he became. I want so badly to help but would he ever be the same? I know in reality I should not let him weasil his way in to our lives. I just hurt more BC of me being blamed for it all and I somehow think to myself ... what if? Am I giving up too soon? Did I in fact abandone him in his need or am I correct in believing he abandoned us longago with his first lies and hidden addictions. Turning it to God. If someone has some encouraging words, thank you. My divorce is final is 4 weeks and I've realized I am not crying every day any longer, it takes a while longer but the pain is still there at just the thought or mention of his name. He's such an idiot, we had it all. |
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