Hi I think I crossed a line with my wife and I want to fix it. I didn't cheat and I didn't abuse her(verbally or physically). She does say I am passive aggressive, where as she is vocal. I respect her so much, but I feel she is drifting away from me. I just tried talking about us and what I feel about the current state of our relationship. I mentioned she is keeping me at arm's length away. Avoiding any type of intimate relationship. Literally no hugs, kisses, etc. I feel like I am basically the guy who lives there and sleeps next to her.
My Background: I come from a broken family whom father cheated on mother. I and my 3 brothers watched it tear my mother apart for years. I want nothing to do with inflicting that type of pain on anyone. My dad died at 53, my mom is very sick and in a nursing home. I visit her 2 to 3 times a year as we live 800 miles away. I have step parents whom just aren't there for me. Their words do not match up with their actions. They were not there for us unless we asked them to be around the time our son passed away. We had to pull teeth to get them to the funeral and visit our youngest son. My father did manage to teach us to work. I have a good job so that is not an issue.
My wife comes from a family whom I admire. They Take care of their core family no matter what without exception. She lost an older sister, people wronged them and they cut them out of the circle. My wife was married young, but was cheated on. They divorced quickly after that. My wife was depressed for many years after that. She spent some time trying to be the person people wanted her to be. Eventually she went with her core values, cut out the circle of people who wronged her then moved forward. I don't ever see her cheating as I believe she felt so much pain from being cheated on. I just dot see it happening. I find a lot of comfort in my wife's family. My wife and I chose to burry our son next to her sister. This is decision I have never second guessed. Her family will be there no matter what. Her father's only request of me is to take care of his daughter. I feel I am upholding my end, but realize areas I can improve.
Our Relationship: We dated for 1 year and have been married for 7 years. I am 33 and she is 37. We have had what I though was a typical married relationship. We don't have sex and I haven't found anyone else who says they have lots of sex after children. Everything on the internet tells me we should be having relations weekly at the least. Again referring to the statement before (i just don't think the internet is correct here). Her interest stopped after our first daughter. Sex is important to me but, I won't choose it over her. We have only had marital sex when we wanted to expand our family. We have a 6 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. We also had a son whom passed away from SIDS 9 months prior to our second son being born(this was in the summer of 2012). He was a beautiful boy 3.5 month boy. We both spent 6 months in counseling after this. My wife more often than I. I never went without her. My wife and I are both conservative in our spending habits. We save more than 25% of our income for retirement and college for our kids. We have a mortgage and two paid off cars. We do not carry any debt. She likely spends more than me as any responsible woman should. Nothing I see as out of control if we are saving, covering our basics, and not adding debt. We both keep high 800 credit scores.
How I describe my wife: She is an amazing woman. She is very Smart, Beautiful, an amazing mother, excelling in her profession. She strives for consistency, respectful children and the same thing out of everyone else in our circle. If there is something off about anyone they are out. I honestly haven't seen a case where she wasn't a good judge of character. I love everything about her and what she stands for. Similar to myself she has a great work ethic which has opened up many doors for her.
She took a year off when our new son was born so she could keep him close. I supported her in this decision as well as her decision to go back to work after a year. She was offered a no joke role reporting do the people whom you can't ignore. Something you can't turn down and a role she really enjoys. She travels 40% of the time, but she always has so that is pretty normal. She is always texting people from work. I know most of the people and the one whom I didn't know. I looked up on face book. He is a higher up, about 20 years older than her. He and his wife seem to post as conservatively as we do on FB. I also don't see my wife cheating on me, as it is just not in her core.
The area I think we need to improve on is how to handle my family, our communication, and how our children are being raised. My family is useless and I need to rip the bandage off before I lose my wife. She is less tolerant for people's crap than I am. They are fake....see above. They will never be there when I need them. Now that I am typing this...it may be coming to me. My brother and his wife are pregnant. His wife, didn't come to our wedding, our son's funeral, or visit our new son when he was born. I have made stupid comments like...are we supposed to send them something for the baby.
She got on me about united parenting in front of the kids...yelling and screaming at me and the kids. She said I can either be the kids' best friend or hers, but not both. This occurs monthly or sometimes every few weeks. She feels like she fixes the kids when out of town and I break them for her return. Compares me as not as good as her sister's husband with disciplining kids. After that outburst. I brought it up again later that evening as I am getting tired of this reoccurring. I said we need to work out a better way to communicate. She can't keep dropping the f and P word in my direction in front of the kids. I am ok with yelling, but i would prefer to shelter them from the cussing. She agreed that needs to stop. I have been working to become a better father...cutting the kids short when they are screwing around or not doing what is expected. I would say I am getting better and better at it over the past few weeks, but I have years of work ahead of me.
I believe I crossed the line when I circled back on the communication thing. I said she keeps me at arm's length away and I am worried about where our relationship is going. I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. There is no basic non sexual intimate relationship for month's now...maybe even years. She said she is handling herself in the way she knows best. She can't handle the highs and lows in life so she tries to keep a flat line mental routine. She told me to drop it after this conversation.
Of course I circled back a week later noticed she was buying lighters. Yes I went through her purse and found cigarettes then approached her. I think she is smoking consistently when driving around town. I see the ashes that fell in the crack of the car windows. She claims they are from January from when she was hanging out with her friends(this is normally expected) She said why would I smoke when I have a grandpa who dies from lung cancer, grandma in the hospital with lung cancer. In my mind the ashes are clearly there along the car window. She has about 6 different types of teeth whiteners. This is honestly the least of my worries, I wish I could have taken back hunting them down. I told her that too...I told her I don't care about the smokes. I just care about what is causing her stress what keeps her up at night. She said i am attacking her. She then said am acting crazy.
How do i move forward, rebuild and grow our relationship?
....I want to be her best friend
....I want her to find comfort with me. This troubles me the most….I wish she felt she could talk my ear off before we fall asleep. I would love this. I am a good listener.
....I am nipping the disciplining the children thing in the butt we are a long term kind of family. I will have to prove that out over time.
....Any time I set down and she is still up running around i get up and run through a checklist of chores she normally asks me to do prior to her asking. I am even reaching out asking if I can watch the laundry if she is headed to the store. I do baths for the kids every night...get them ready in the morning. This list goes on and on....Either way...I don't compare to what she does for us. She said during our last conversation ....what is the catch with the extra efforts I have been putting in. I simply said I don't like where our relationship is going, and this is an area where you need me to help. If it is the stuff around the house that is driving you away, I want to help you more. I want you to gain comfort in me again. I want you to want to be my best friend. I want to be able to kiss you and feel like you are not trying to get away from me.
Again...how do i move forward? Should I just cut my family until I can fix my core family? What else can i do to be a better parent? She is gone all week and I am focusing on consistency as if she were there. Do you think I just caught her on the smoking thing and she didn't want to come clean. I told her I don't even care about it.
What more can I do? I don't fail at anything, but I am failing at this. In my mind my wife comes first, My children are second, everything else is useless without those.
Do I just drop this…focus on what I already know I should focus on? Then the rest over time will fall in place…
My Background: I come from a broken family whom father cheated on mother. I and my 3 brothers watched it tear my mother apart for years. I want nothing to do with inflicting that type of pain on anyone. My dad died at 53, my mom is very sick and in a nursing home. I visit her 2 to 3 times a year as we live 800 miles away. I have step parents whom just aren't there for me. Their words do not match up with their actions. They were not there for us unless we asked them to be around the time our son passed away. We had to pull teeth to get them to the funeral and visit our youngest son. My father did manage to teach us to work. I have a good job so that is not an issue.
My wife comes from a family whom I admire. They Take care of their core family no matter what without exception. She lost an older sister, people wronged them and they cut them out of the circle. My wife was married young, but was cheated on. They divorced quickly after that. My wife was depressed for many years after that. She spent some time trying to be the person people wanted her to be. Eventually she went with her core values, cut out the circle of people who wronged her then moved forward. I don't ever see her cheating as I believe she felt so much pain from being cheated on. I just dot see it happening. I find a lot of comfort in my wife's family. My wife and I chose to burry our son next to her sister. This is decision I have never second guessed. Her family will be there no matter what. Her father's only request of me is to take care of his daughter. I feel I am upholding my end, but realize areas I can improve.
Our Relationship: We dated for 1 year and have been married for 7 years. I am 33 and she is 37. We have had what I though was a typical married relationship. We don't have sex and I haven't found anyone else who says they have lots of sex after children. Everything on the internet tells me we should be having relations weekly at the least. Again referring to the statement before (i just don't think the internet is correct here). Her interest stopped after our first daughter. Sex is important to me but, I won't choose it over her. We have only had marital sex when we wanted to expand our family. We have a 6 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. We also had a son whom passed away from SIDS 9 months prior to our second son being born(this was in the summer of 2012). He was a beautiful boy 3.5 month boy. We both spent 6 months in counseling after this. My wife more often than I. I never went without her. My wife and I are both conservative in our spending habits. We save more than 25% of our income for retirement and college for our kids. We have a mortgage and two paid off cars. We do not carry any debt. She likely spends more than me as any responsible woman should. Nothing I see as out of control if we are saving, covering our basics, and not adding debt. We both keep high 800 credit scores.
How I describe my wife: She is an amazing woman. She is very Smart, Beautiful, an amazing mother, excelling in her profession. She strives for consistency, respectful children and the same thing out of everyone else in our circle. If there is something off about anyone they are out. I honestly haven't seen a case where she wasn't a good judge of character. I love everything about her and what she stands for. Similar to myself she has a great work ethic which has opened up many doors for her.
She took a year off when our new son was born so she could keep him close. I supported her in this decision as well as her decision to go back to work after a year. She was offered a no joke role reporting do the people whom you can't ignore. Something you can't turn down and a role she really enjoys. She travels 40% of the time, but she always has so that is pretty normal. She is always texting people from work. I know most of the people and the one whom I didn't know. I looked up on face book. He is a higher up, about 20 years older than her. He and his wife seem to post as conservatively as we do on FB. I also don't see my wife cheating on me, as it is just not in her core.
The area I think we need to improve on is how to handle my family, our communication, and how our children are being raised. My family is useless and I need to rip the bandage off before I lose my wife. She is less tolerant for people's crap than I am. They are fake....see above. They will never be there when I need them. Now that I am typing this...it may be coming to me. My brother and his wife are pregnant. His wife, didn't come to our wedding, our son's funeral, or visit our new son when he was born. I have made stupid comments like...are we supposed to send them something for the baby.
She got on me about united parenting in front of the kids...yelling and screaming at me and the kids. She said I can either be the kids' best friend or hers, but not both. This occurs monthly or sometimes every few weeks. She feels like she fixes the kids when out of town and I break them for her return. Compares me as not as good as her sister's husband with disciplining kids. After that outburst. I brought it up again later that evening as I am getting tired of this reoccurring. I said we need to work out a better way to communicate. She can't keep dropping the f and P word in my direction in front of the kids. I am ok with yelling, but i would prefer to shelter them from the cussing. She agreed that needs to stop. I have been working to become a better father...cutting the kids short when they are screwing around or not doing what is expected. I would say I am getting better and better at it over the past few weeks, but I have years of work ahead of me.
I believe I crossed the line when I circled back on the communication thing. I said she keeps me at arm's length away and I am worried about where our relationship is going. I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. There is no basic non sexual intimate relationship for month's now...maybe even years. She said she is handling herself in the way she knows best. She can't handle the highs and lows in life so she tries to keep a flat line mental routine. She told me to drop it after this conversation.
Of course I circled back a week later noticed she was buying lighters. Yes I went through her purse and found cigarettes then approached her. I think she is smoking consistently when driving around town. I see the ashes that fell in the crack of the car windows. She claims they are from January from when she was hanging out with her friends(this is normally expected) She said why would I smoke when I have a grandpa who dies from lung cancer, grandma in the hospital with lung cancer. In my mind the ashes are clearly there along the car window. She has about 6 different types of teeth whiteners. This is honestly the least of my worries, I wish I could have taken back hunting them down. I told her that too...I told her I don't care about the smokes. I just care about what is causing her stress what keeps her up at night. She said i am attacking her. She then said am acting crazy.
How do i move forward, rebuild and grow our relationship?
....I want to be her best friend
....I want her to find comfort with me. This troubles me the most….I wish she felt she could talk my ear off before we fall asleep. I would love this. I am a good listener.
....I am nipping the disciplining the children thing in the butt we are a long term kind of family. I will have to prove that out over time.
....Any time I set down and she is still up running around i get up and run through a checklist of chores she normally asks me to do prior to her asking. I am even reaching out asking if I can watch the laundry if she is headed to the store. I do baths for the kids every night...get them ready in the morning. This list goes on and on....Either way...I don't compare to what she does for us. She said during our last conversation ....what is the catch with the extra efforts I have been putting in. I simply said I don't like where our relationship is going, and this is an area where you need me to help. If it is the stuff around the house that is driving you away, I want to help you more. I want you to gain comfort in me again. I want you to want to be my best friend. I want to be able to kiss you and feel like you are not trying to get away from me.
Again...how do i move forward? Should I just cut my family until I can fix my core family? What else can i do to be a better parent? She is gone all week and I am focusing on consistency as if she were there. Do you think I just caught her on the smoking thing and she didn't want to come clean. I told her I don't even care about it.
What more can I do? I don't fail at anything, but I am failing at this. In my mind my wife comes first, My children are second, everything else is useless without those.
Do I just drop this…focus on what I already know I should focus on? Then the rest over time will fall in place…
Put the internet to work for you.
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