Things haven't been going so well, both at an impasse and neither willing to budge. I moved out of the bedroom as he decided to come home in early hours of morning after a drinking session last week (which he knows breaks my heart every time), he dismisses is as he told me he would be late, as if that makes it better, talk about disrespect. So in the last week I dug my heels in moved to the spare bedroom and ignored him (childish i know but tbh I am very fed up). H is feeling the heat and confronted (yeah) me last night. I told him I am ready to walk as I fed up of all of this and don't care anymore. He wanted my timetable and I told him as I have nothing to lose.
We talked into the night and concluded we have treated each other really badly and taken each other for granted. So I introduced the idea of doing the HN/HN questionnaire. That was eye opening.
I never realised I am quite a cold fish, he likes affection (his number one need), so do I but not over board. I am not good at giving affection (I am more an acts of service person). He also needs affirmation, he says I only see what is wrong with him, never what he does right. He does work very hard to provide a home, good education, holidays etc. I just took it for granted that that is his role, much the same is mine is to do everything else, (noone gives me brownie points for running a home, doing the bills, taking care of the kids , their needs, etc).
So I am not meeting his basic needs as above and he is not meeting mine. I need intimate conversation and he doesn't know how to do that. He admitted that that scares him as he has nothing to say.
So we have identified where the big gaps are in our relationship. I intend to work at the affection first then the affirmation, not sure how to do the latter without it being fake. I am a straight talking no nonsense kind of person and don't like pretending. Maybe it is because I have to be a more half glass full person?
I will do my part but how to get him to do his? He said he will but knowing his personality it will be so difficult for him and I guess I'll do the work and we'll go back to square one of me meeting his needs and I'm still not getting mine met.
Any ideas how to do about this?
We talked into the night and concluded we have treated each other really badly and taken each other for granted. So I introduced the idea of doing the HN/HN questionnaire. That was eye opening.
I never realised I am quite a cold fish, he likes affection (his number one need), so do I but not over board. I am not good at giving affection (I am more an acts of service person). He also needs affirmation, he says I only see what is wrong with him, never what he does right. He does work very hard to provide a home, good education, holidays etc. I just took it for granted that that is his role, much the same is mine is to do everything else, (noone gives me brownie points for running a home, doing the bills, taking care of the kids , their needs, etc).
So I am not meeting his basic needs as above and he is not meeting mine. I need intimate conversation and he doesn't know how to do that. He admitted that that scares him as he has nothing to say.
So we have identified where the big gaps are in our relationship. I intend to work at the affection first then the affirmation, not sure how to do the latter without it being fake. I am a straight talking no nonsense kind of person and don't like pretending. Maybe it is because I have to be a more half glass full person?
I will do my part but how to get him to do his? He said he will but knowing his personality it will be so difficult for him and I guess I'll do the work and we'll go back to square one of me meeting his needs and I'm still not getting mine met.
Any ideas how to do about this?
Put the internet to work for you.
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