Hello everyone! This is the first time I'm posting here, but have been reading other posts on Tam for about 3 months. I've learnt a lot, just reading other posts.
A little background: i am 31, my husband is 32, married for 6 years, together for 10, one little boy (3 yo). He was my first, so when I met him at 20 I was naive and inexperienced. I really had no idea what I wanted, what I needed, I just let myself carried away with the tide. We were very attracted to each other at first and I could never imagine that this love will die if not properly nourished. Now, after 11 years and a history together I feel that my love for him is dying a little more every day.
I will try to describe as best that I can our current situation.
He is always unhappy, he is always complaining/criticizing everything I do or don't do. I am not the best cook, sometimes i get lazy (especially after his put downs I feel my energy drained), dirty clothes and dishes are piled up from time to time. I really try to keep the house clean, but as I said there are periods when everything is a mess, I admit. But he offers no help with cleaning, cooking, washing dishes...he said it on more occasions that I, as a woman it's my responsibility to keep the house clean, to cook etc. I don't think it's true, especially if work a full time job as well as he is.
He doesn't touch me anymore: no kissing, no holding hands, no hugs, zero contact. This is so hard for me to endure, maybe because my main love language is touch. When I get back from work I want to kiss him on the cheek but he acts annoyed. I keep myself fit, and people that don't know my age say that I am 24. So my appearance hasn't changed so much. I look young even to him, he always says that i look if I were his daughter. I really don't understand his behavior, it wasn't a sudden change, he didn't become like this overnight. His attitude has changed gradually so here we are today when he is cold as ice.
He rarely initiates intimacy and when he does he starts complaining: you don't do that or that, you aren't given me what i want....what he wants is bjs almost daily with nothing for me. I am supposed to give him pleasure but to ask for nothing in return. I honestly feel as a prostitute. I mean our usual discussion- him: "do you want to give me a bj?" , I: "I am not in the mood for this, let's make love instead", him: "please leave the room and leave me alone, I will find someone else to please me". And after this he doesn't speak to me. He is not even responding to my questions regarding important things: eg.when he will pick up our son, who will go do the shopping. Basically all communication is shut down. He will act like this until I go to him and ask, beg him to stop treating me like crap. I am so sick and tired of this endless game. I feel that I give 100% and he only gives 10%.
So intimacy is on the rocks too. He rarely wants to make love, as I said it's all about his needs and I can take my needs and throw them to the garbage.
He is very controlling, he doesn't let me to take the driving licence, although we have a car and we both pay for it. I wanted to learn to drive in order to become more independent. He got mad when i told him i want to learn to drive! he said that he will never give me "his" car to drive it. Anyway, I gave up the idea. There are a lot of things that he doesn't like: me going to the gym, going to see my mother, going shopping (clothes). He hates it when I come late at home, even though I call him first and tell him that I want to go to my mother, or I need to go x or y. He says ok, but when I get home he usually is very angry and picks up fights.
The relationship with his parents is also very difficult. They are very difficult persons and I tried and tried to reason with them, to get them to like me, but in vain. I think no one is good enough for their son. The main reason they dislike me is because they allowed my husband and I to stay in one of their apartments. They are not living with us, but because they "accepted" me in their apartment they have all kinds of claims. They are resentful that my mother didn't offer money for half of this apartment, so they look down on us and are feeling entitled.
I think their attitude has made a drift in my marriage. My husband worships them and agree with them in everything. So he feels somehow superior than me- I know this may sound crazy, but he always says that it's his home and I have no right to live there. He throws this at me during every fight we may have. He asked me to leave his house like 100 times. I did left a couple of times, sometimes alone, sometimes with my son but then I returned at his insistence.
I don't feel love, I don't feel respected and it's tearing me apart. I don't know if his yelling, name calling, cursing or spiting represent abuse or not. I yell too, I get angry too when he puts me down. There were some incidents during huge fights when he grabbed my hands, or my neck. He slapped me 2 times, shoved me, pushed me. When he is angry he shows me his fists in order to scare me, but he has not used his fists until now. This kind of incidents are more and more often. I noticed that when we are around his parents his anger intensifies. As if he wants to show them who is in charge. Silly and sad I know, but when around them,he makes everything possible to discredit me. Of course he tells them I am a bad mother, that I am lazy and don't do anything in the house, that I spend all his money. And they always, but always take his side. They tell him to calm down when things get heated, but after that they accuse me: I yelled at him, I don't respect him enough.
I am really tired of all of this. The pain is huge especially when he gives me the silent treatment for days. I think he may be BDP- he has all the characteristics but I am no doctor. The truth is he comes from a family where women were submissive and endured all kind of bad treatments. It's a very difficult for me, I have always wanted a family, but not like this! I don't know if I can save this marriage, I don't know how to do that. Maybe he is cheating on me, I don't know. I don't have any proof and nothing suspicious is going on, but with his "i don't give a damn about you" attitude anything is possible. I would really appreciate your inputs. Thank you!
A little background: i am 31, my husband is 32, married for 6 years, together for 10, one little boy (3 yo). He was my first, so when I met him at 20 I was naive and inexperienced. I really had no idea what I wanted, what I needed, I just let myself carried away with the tide. We were very attracted to each other at first and I could never imagine that this love will die if not properly nourished. Now, after 11 years and a history together I feel that my love for him is dying a little more every day.
I will try to describe as best that I can our current situation.
He is always unhappy, he is always complaining/criticizing everything I do or don't do. I am not the best cook, sometimes i get lazy (especially after his put downs I feel my energy drained), dirty clothes and dishes are piled up from time to time. I really try to keep the house clean, but as I said there are periods when everything is a mess, I admit. But he offers no help with cleaning, cooking, washing dishes...he said it on more occasions that I, as a woman it's my responsibility to keep the house clean, to cook etc. I don't think it's true, especially if work a full time job as well as he is.
He doesn't touch me anymore: no kissing, no holding hands, no hugs, zero contact. This is so hard for me to endure, maybe because my main love language is touch. When I get back from work I want to kiss him on the cheek but he acts annoyed. I keep myself fit, and people that don't know my age say that I am 24. So my appearance hasn't changed so much. I look young even to him, he always says that i look if I were his daughter. I really don't understand his behavior, it wasn't a sudden change, he didn't become like this overnight. His attitude has changed gradually so here we are today when he is cold as ice.
He rarely initiates intimacy and when he does he starts complaining: you don't do that or that, you aren't given me what i want....what he wants is bjs almost daily with nothing for me. I am supposed to give him pleasure but to ask for nothing in return. I honestly feel as a prostitute. I mean our usual discussion- him: "do you want to give me a bj?" , I: "I am not in the mood for this, let's make love instead", him: "please leave the room and leave me alone, I will find someone else to please me". And after this he doesn't speak to me. He is not even responding to my questions regarding important things: eg.when he will pick up our son, who will go do the shopping. Basically all communication is shut down. He will act like this until I go to him and ask, beg him to stop treating me like crap. I am so sick and tired of this endless game. I feel that I give 100% and he only gives 10%.
So intimacy is on the rocks too. He rarely wants to make love, as I said it's all about his needs and I can take my needs and throw them to the garbage.
He is very controlling, he doesn't let me to take the driving licence, although we have a car and we both pay for it. I wanted to learn to drive in order to become more independent. He got mad when i told him i want to learn to drive! he said that he will never give me "his" car to drive it. Anyway, I gave up the idea. There are a lot of things that he doesn't like: me going to the gym, going to see my mother, going shopping (clothes). He hates it when I come late at home, even though I call him first and tell him that I want to go to my mother, or I need to go x or y. He says ok, but when I get home he usually is very angry and picks up fights.
The relationship with his parents is also very difficult. They are very difficult persons and I tried and tried to reason with them, to get them to like me, but in vain. I think no one is good enough for their son. The main reason they dislike me is because they allowed my husband and I to stay in one of their apartments. They are not living with us, but because they "accepted" me in their apartment they have all kinds of claims. They are resentful that my mother didn't offer money for half of this apartment, so they look down on us and are feeling entitled.
I think their attitude has made a drift in my marriage. My husband worships them and agree with them in everything. So he feels somehow superior than me- I know this may sound crazy, but he always says that it's his home and I have no right to live there. He throws this at me during every fight we may have. He asked me to leave his house like 100 times. I did left a couple of times, sometimes alone, sometimes with my son but then I returned at his insistence.
I don't feel love, I don't feel respected and it's tearing me apart. I don't know if his yelling, name calling, cursing or spiting represent abuse or not. I yell too, I get angry too when he puts me down. There were some incidents during huge fights when he grabbed my hands, or my neck. He slapped me 2 times, shoved me, pushed me. When he is angry he shows me his fists in order to scare me, but he has not used his fists until now. This kind of incidents are more and more often. I noticed that when we are around his parents his anger intensifies. As if he wants to show them who is in charge. Silly and sad I know, but when around them,he makes everything possible to discredit me. Of course he tells them I am a bad mother, that I am lazy and don't do anything in the house, that I spend all his money. And they always, but always take his side. They tell him to calm down when things get heated, but after that they accuse me: I yelled at him, I don't respect him enough.
I am really tired of all of this. The pain is huge especially when he gives me the silent treatment for days. I think he may be BDP- he has all the characteristics but I am no doctor. The truth is he comes from a family where women were submissive and endured all kind of bad treatments. It's a very difficult for me, I have always wanted a family, but not like this! I don't know if I can save this marriage, I don't know how to do that. Maybe he is cheating on me, I don't know. I don't have any proof and nothing suspicious is going on, but with his "i don't give a damn about you" attitude anything is possible. I would really appreciate your inputs. Thank you!
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