As the title says I am a cheater, I never thought I would say those words, let alone on a forum like this. Two and a half years ago the affair was found out and my husband decided he would give us a chance but to do that would need to divorce me and did so. We continued to live together and remarried six months ago. I was given a lot of chances to put things right between us. I am only now beginning to look objectively at what happened as I have felt so guilty but this has been very selfish and not helped my husband. It has taken a lot of time and probing to admit to myself what a bad person I was and still have the capacity to be. However I feel like I am now the biggest advocate of not cheating. I have read Professor Glass's Not Just Friends and taken a lot from it. The affair lasted two and a half years and I was convinced I loved the other man, I was totally blind to his character despite knowing he was a womaniser and think I convinced myself he was a good guy to make it seem better in my mind. I have now lost my husband as he has not been helped enough by me to get over it due to how I have handled it. I have felt enormous guilt and remorse and am totally devastated by the hurt I have caused him and my family. It has been the biggest mistake if you can call it that of my life. At first I lied to avoid the truth coming out because I didn't want to admit everything I'd done. The affair was discovered because I told my husband I'd been in love with somebody
I know now I started the affair as a stepping stone out of the marriage which was struggling but then became stuck in it because it was an escape. It was not exciting or glamorous and I demeaned myself for sex doing things with this man I did not do for my husband to try to steal him away from the girlfriend he had, I found this a challenge. It was when I knew it was going nowhere that I admitted I had been 'in love' with someone to my husband. I was amazed he gave me a chance and had expected him to throw me out. I think I did that so I would never need to admit the full extent of the affair. At this stage after my husband gave me a chance the OM rang me and I began seeing him again. It was found out and eventually the full extent was discovered and my husband went into shock and was devastated. He confronted the other man and I never contacted the guy again. Needless to say the OM was a complete tosser and I would not even acknowledge him if I passed him in the street, I ha ve no feelings either way for him and will not get angry about him because that's what he does as a hobby. I am however angry at myself for ruining my life with my husband. When the affair finished i realised what I should always have known about my husband that he was a wonderful man and that I wanted to put things right. I found out that the arguments I had blamed on my husband and was so sick of were caused by my arrogance and not him, I had picked on him for years and not been a nice person to live with for him and my children and he had been a saint. I can say I started behaving better as I did not want to be that person any more but I have been unable to do some of the things my husband said were vital to save the marriage. We attended marriage therapy and thought we could manage ourselves, everything that had happened in the affair was discussed as my husband wanted to know. All the sordid details about sex were found out.
Our arguments were horrible but I felt totally able to take what he said to me because of what I did. I felt very dirty and unclean about what I did and found it hard to feel sexy for him as much as he wanted me to. I just wanted to hide from the questions and lie to get out of admitting what I'd done. This hurt him even more.
Now I am about to be seperated as he has found his anger too much to allow him to get on with his life with me. He says he is getting therapy for this and if he can get to terms with it or control it he will return. I want him back and am waiting for him. We have a good relationship and will remain friends.
I am now going to sleep in the same bed as my husband for the last night, we shall hug and in the morning he will leave. What a waste for two people that still love each other very much.
I know now I started the affair as a stepping stone out of the marriage which was struggling but then became stuck in it because it was an escape. It was not exciting or glamorous and I demeaned myself for sex doing things with this man I did not do for my husband to try to steal him away from the girlfriend he had, I found this a challenge. It was when I knew it was going nowhere that I admitted I had been 'in love' with someone to my husband. I was amazed he gave me a chance and had expected him to throw me out. I think I did that so I would never need to admit the full extent of the affair. At this stage after my husband gave me a chance the OM rang me and I began seeing him again. It was found out and eventually the full extent was discovered and my husband went into shock and was devastated. He confronted the other man and I never contacted the guy again. Needless to say the OM was a complete tosser and I would not even acknowledge him if I passed him in the street, I ha ve no feelings either way for him and will not get angry about him because that's what he does as a hobby. I am however angry at myself for ruining my life with my husband. When the affair finished i realised what I should always have known about my husband that he was a wonderful man and that I wanted to put things right. I found out that the arguments I had blamed on my husband and was so sick of were caused by my arrogance and not him, I had picked on him for years and not been a nice person to live with for him and my children and he had been a saint. I can say I started behaving better as I did not want to be that person any more but I have been unable to do some of the things my husband said were vital to save the marriage. We attended marriage therapy and thought we could manage ourselves, everything that had happened in the affair was discussed as my husband wanted to know. All the sordid details about sex were found out.
Our arguments were horrible but I felt totally able to take what he said to me because of what I did. I felt very dirty and unclean about what I did and found it hard to feel sexy for him as much as he wanted me to. I just wanted to hide from the questions and lie to get out of admitting what I'd done. This hurt him even more.
Now I am about to be seperated as he has found his anger too much to allow him to get on with his life with me. He says he is getting therapy for this and if he can get to terms with it or control it he will return. I want him back and am waiting for him. We have a good relationship and will remain friends.
I am now going to sleep in the same bed as my husband for the last night, we shall hug and in the morning he will leave. What a waste for two people that still love each other very much.
Put the internet to work for you.
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