Soooo, I'm new to this. We've only been really broken up for five months, had been living together/married for 25 years. I think my first post-break up fling has just run it's course. But I'm really trying to wrap my mind around the difference in who I am/what I want in relation to new men in my life compared to pre-marriage. It is night and day different, which I didn't realize was gonna be the case. I think I was afraid I was still gonna be that little girl I once was, yk?
So anyhow... this is the thing that's really shocking to me: I was never in the power position, EVER, before. With the ex, in a lot of ways we were pretty balanced, but probably if anyone was on top, it was him. Now, I can't even quite imagine how someone could get over me like all the men I was involved with before him did.
So, here's how it played out in this first FWB-type relationship -- I had seen this guy around for several months before the first meeting and we knew people in common, but within about five minutes of talking we both managed to spit out our break up stories and it turned out our stories were insanely similar, both of our spouses having intense and long emotional affairs and then treating us like crap in the aftermath, both have young children, similar age/stage in life. So, a week and a half later I'm spending the night at his place. And then after we have sex he tells me "I'm not looking for a relationship." Eh, I thought it was a little funky to bring that up at that moment. I wasn't either, but still it was a little crass. I didn't care about the idea of it though, as really I was mostly in it to get my feet wet.
After that we got into a pattern of hanging out and spending nights together once or twice a week, and then I'd see him around on other nights, but when we were out we made sure not to crowd each other as we were *not in a relationship*. I liked that arrangement fine.
Then, a few weeks ago, he had a big court date w his ex, who he says he's still in love with. Things have been really contentious between them and the only time they've seen each other since their break up 7 or 8 months ago is when they're in court. So, he was very uptight and keyed up about the court thing and I told him that week that I was gonna lay back and he could let me know if he wanted to hang out but I was gonna give him a little space. On the day of the court thing, sent him a nice but low key, supportive text. He texted back, "thank you." Then Sunday night I ran into him out on the town and he immediately says "why didn't you text me this week???" in an anxious tone. And then, before I can even answer, "You're sleeping with someone else, aren't you? That's why you didn't text me!"
So, I fess up that in fact I did sleep with someone else, a ONS kinda thing with a friend. It was not the reason I didn't contact him (and as I said, I did text him mid-week). But I said, yeah, I did, do you want me to tell you when that happens? I was so unsure since we're "not in a relationship" and all.
Ever since then, it's been clear that I'm in the power position. Looking back, I think the "not looking for a relationship" statement was his way (possibly not consciously on his part) of trying to grab the power. I don't think it really worked bc I was like, eh, ok, whatever, I'm good. But in the period between that night and the night he asked if I'd been w anyone else, I think there was a balance between us and we both felt okay about it.
Ever since we had that second convo, though, he's been jockeying for top status. At first, I felt kind of empathetic about it. He'd tell me about women that he was interested in trying to get a bit of a reaction from me and I wasn't reacting the way he wanted, but I understood what he was up to and why and, even though it felt a little obnoxious, I was alright with it. There were enough good things about what was going on between us that I could let it roll off my back. But then yesterday he gave me a backhanded compliment about my dancing (he thinks he's a great dancer, but not so much, lol) and it was just the straw that broke the camels back. I think I'm out (although truthfully, if he caught me in the right mood, who knows, lol, the sex is fun). But I just kinda feel like I don't really want someone sniping at me and it wasn't the first time, so blah... seems like I'm not interested enough to keep going with it.
A couple things about this though, that I keep thinking... I really believe that, if at any time he had sensed that I *wanted* to be with him in anything but the most casual way, the tables would have been completely turned and he would have felt that I was needy and overbearing and too into him. And then it seems to me like it was only completely by chance that I got the upper hand. I guess he asked if I'd slept w someone else bc it was already leaning too far in that direction for him to feel comfortable, but if I hadn't happened to have had this ONS, I don't think he would have felt nearly as disadvantaged. Btw, I did kinda bend over backwards to make him feel like the ONS was nothing for him to feel bad about -- he wanted me to tell him that he was "more fun" than the other guy, which I didn't do, but I did point out that the other guy was a ONS, but I came back to him over and over because I wanted to. But apparently that was not enough to pacify him.
Anyway, it's all so interesting to me and I didn't really know that things worked this way... that just by chance I could end up with the power, that it wasn't some preordained inherent thing about me that they were always gonna be on top. I think I had this feeling like it always worked out that way bc there was something not quite good enough about me. This is all such a revelation!
Now I just gotta figure out how to work it so that nobody feels like they need to even the score or run away. Sigh....
So anyhow... this is the thing that's really shocking to me: I was never in the power position, EVER, before. With the ex, in a lot of ways we were pretty balanced, but probably if anyone was on top, it was him. Now, I can't even quite imagine how someone could get over me like all the men I was involved with before him did.
So, here's how it played out in this first FWB-type relationship -- I had seen this guy around for several months before the first meeting and we knew people in common, but within about five minutes of talking we both managed to spit out our break up stories and it turned out our stories were insanely similar, both of our spouses having intense and long emotional affairs and then treating us like crap in the aftermath, both have young children, similar age/stage in life. So, a week and a half later I'm spending the night at his place. And then after we have sex he tells me "I'm not looking for a relationship." Eh, I thought it was a little funky to bring that up at that moment. I wasn't either, but still it was a little crass. I didn't care about the idea of it though, as really I was mostly in it to get my feet wet.
After that we got into a pattern of hanging out and spending nights together once or twice a week, and then I'd see him around on other nights, but when we were out we made sure not to crowd each other as we were *not in a relationship*. I liked that arrangement fine.
Then, a few weeks ago, he had a big court date w his ex, who he says he's still in love with. Things have been really contentious between them and the only time they've seen each other since their break up 7 or 8 months ago is when they're in court. So, he was very uptight and keyed up about the court thing and I told him that week that I was gonna lay back and he could let me know if he wanted to hang out but I was gonna give him a little space. On the day of the court thing, sent him a nice but low key, supportive text. He texted back, "thank you." Then Sunday night I ran into him out on the town and he immediately says "why didn't you text me this week???" in an anxious tone. And then, before I can even answer, "You're sleeping with someone else, aren't you? That's why you didn't text me!"
So, I fess up that in fact I did sleep with someone else, a ONS kinda thing with a friend. It was not the reason I didn't contact him (and as I said, I did text him mid-week). But I said, yeah, I did, do you want me to tell you when that happens? I was so unsure since we're "not in a relationship" and all.
Ever since then, it's been clear that I'm in the power position. Looking back, I think the "not looking for a relationship" statement was his way (possibly not consciously on his part) of trying to grab the power. I don't think it really worked bc I was like, eh, ok, whatever, I'm good. But in the period between that night and the night he asked if I'd been w anyone else, I think there was a balance between us and we both felt okay about it.
Ever since we had that second convo, though, he's been jockeying for top status. At first, I felt kind of empathetic about it. He'd tell me about women that he was interested in trying to get a bit of a reaction from me and I wasn't reacting the way he wanted, but I understood what he was up to and why and, even though it felt a little obnoxious, I was alright with it. There were enough good things about what was going on between us that I could let it roll off my back. But then yesterday he gave me a backhanded compliment about my dancing (he thinks he's a great dancer, but not so much, lol) and it was just the straw that broke the camels back. I think I'm out (although truthfully, if he caught me in the right mood, who knows, lol, the sex is fun). But I just kinda feel like I don't really want someone sniping at me and it wasn't the first time, so blah... seems like I'm not interested enough to keep going with it.
A couple things about this though, that I keep thinking... I really believe that, if at any time he had sensed that I *wanted* to be with him in anything but the most casual way, the tables would have been completely turned and he would have felt that I was needy and overbearing and too into him. And then it seems to me like it was only completely by chance that I got the upper hand. I guess he asked if I'd slept w someone else bc it was already leaning too far in that direction for him to feel comfortable, but if I hadn't happened to have had this ONS, I don't think he would have felt nearly as disadvantaged. Btw, I did kinda bend over backwards to make him feel like the ONS was nothing for him to feel bad about -- he wanted me to tell him that he was "more fun" than the other guy, which I didn't do, but I did point out that the other guy was a ONS, but I came back to him over and over because I wanted to. But apparently that was not enough to pacify him.
Anyway, it's all so interesting to me and I didn't really know that things worked this way... that just by chance I could end up with the power, that it wasn't some preordained inherent thing about me that they were always gonna be on top. I think I had this feeling like it always worked out that way bc there was something not quite good enough about me. This is all such a revelation!
Now I just gotta figure out how to work it so that nobody feels like they need to even the score or run away. Sigh....
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment