Before I get started, I want to apologize beforehand. This will probably be long and all over the place. I will try my best to word it the best I can.
My husband & I have been married 19 yrs. He truly is a good man whose desire is to help people. Part of the problem is is that I never seem to be high on that list though. He's a highly motivated individual & I've always supported him in whatever he chose to pursue. Law enforcement was his career (now retired) but we also had businesses on the side, i.e., construction & rentals. After we had children, I became a stay-at-home mom, which I've loved.
Anyway, through the years, he & his family have been extremely emotionally hurtful to me. I was raised by a family who always accepted me for who I am & I've always known that they'd be there for me no matter what. I've never had to pretend to be anything other than myself. I've been able to talk to my mom about anything & I'm so grateful for that. When I got with him, I learned real quick to never show any weakness nor failures. I couldn't show emotions around them or try & talk about any problems. I'm the type of person who will not judge or talk badly about people behind their backs. If I have an issue with someone, I'd rather go to that person, discuss it, & move on. I don't hold grudges. Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect & I do make mistakes. I'm human & I have no problem if someone comes to me & says that I've hurt them somehow. I like being given a chance to explain myself or apologize. I've done everything that I can for them, even when they wouldn't do for each other. For years, I was the go-to in that family. If anything needed done, I was the one that was asked & I gladly did it because they had become my family too. Through all of this, all I ever got was disrespect. They talk about me, shun me, tell me that I'm not a 'good Christian', ridicule my family (who, by the way, has also been there for them through everything). What finally done me in is when my MIL stood & screamed in my face, telling me everything that was 'wrong' with me & my husband let her do it. Then they were upset with me because my feelings were hurt & I began distancing myself. Believe it or not, there's a lot more to it but thats not the whole reason that I'm writing.
The main reason is that my husband makes me feel like I can go or stay. It doesn't really matter. It's always about what he's able to deal with at the moment, regardless of what I'm going through. His apologies normally consist of 'I'm sorry. Now get over it'. If I try to talk about how he makes me feel, he throws out these snide remarks, hurts my feelings & usually I get emotional. Then he's mad because I'm crying or trying to explain how he's hurting me. He disregards any of my thoughts, feelings or opinions. He has this condescending tone that he takes with me. I always have to be aware of his emotional state & be there for him but I'm completely on my own, no matter what I'm dealing with. There is no emotional connection on his part at all. In all the years we've been together, he doesn't know the true reason for any of the times I've ever been upset. I can tell him but he disregards that & comes up with his own reasoning. He twists everything I say. For exa mple, I told him once that as much as I loved him & wanted to be with him & how much it would hurt for us not to be together, that if the only way for him to be happy was to be separate from me, then that's what he needed to do because he deserves to be happy & that I don't want to be the reason that someone is miserable. He got mad & said that was the most cruel thing that anyone has ever said to him. I was completely dumbfounded.
Part of the reason that I haven't wanted to separate yet is because I feel like he truly doesn't get it. He hasn't been given the tools necessary to have a healthy relationship and I keep hoping that day will come. I believe that marriage is forever & you do everything to try & make it work so I've tried to hang in there. Even though, it is emotionally & mentally destroying me.
Another reason I've stuck it out is our 2 children. It would devastate them. They're such good kids & are at that age where anything could set them off track. But, here lately, I've realized that he may never understand.
I'm no psychologist but from everything that I've studied, the best way I can describe him is narcissistic as well as his mother. I've never known anyone who is incapable of having empathy for others except for them & I don't know how to deal with it.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might be able to say or do to help him understand things a little better? Or am I fighting a losing battle?
My husband & I have been married 19 yrs. He truly is a good man whose desire is to help people. Part of the problem is is that I never seem to be high on that list though. He's a highly motivated individual & I've always supported him in whatever he chose to pursue. Law enforcement was his career (now retired) but we also had businesses on the side, i.e., construction & rentals. After we had children, I became a stay-at-home mom, which I've loved.
Anyway, through the years, he & his family have been extremely emotionally hurtful to me. I was raised by a family who always accepted me for who I am & I've always known that they'd be there for me no matter what. I've never had to pretend to be anything other than myself. I've been able to talk to my mom about anything & I'm so grateful for that. When I got with him, I learned real quick to never show any weakness nor failures. I couldn't show emotions around them or try & talk about any problems. I'm the type of person who will not judge or talk badly about people behind their backs. If I have an issue with someone, I'd rather go to that person, discuss it, & move on. I don't hold grudges. Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect & I do make mistakes. I'm human & I have no problem if someone comes to me & says that I've hurt them somehow. I like being given a chance to explain myself or apologize. I've done everything that I can for them, even when they wouldn't do for each other. For years, I was the go-to in that family. If anything needed done, I was the one that was asked & I gladly did it because they had become my family too. Through all of this, all I ever got was disrespect. They talk about me, shun me, tell me that I'm not a 'good Christian', ridicule my family (who, by the way, has also been there for them through everything). What finally done me in is when my MIL stood & screamed in my face, telling me everything that was 'wrong' with me & my husband let her do it. Then they were upset with me because my feelings were hurt & I began distancing myself. Believe it or not, there's a lot more to it but thats not the whole reason that I'm writing.
The main reason is that my husband makes me feel like I can go or stay. It doesn't really matter. It's always about what he's able to deal with at the moment, regardless of what I'm going through. His apologies normally consist of 'I'm sorry. Now get over it'. If I try to talk about how he makes me feel, he throws out these snide remarks, hurts my feelings & usually I get emotional. Then he's mad because I'm crying or trying to explain how he's hurting me. He disregards any of my thoughts, feelings or opinions. He has this condescending tone that he takes with me. I always have to be aware of his emotional state & be there for him but I'm completely on my own, no matter what I'm dealing with. There is no emotional connection on his part at all. In all the years we've been together, he doesn't know the true reason for any of the times I've ever been upset. I can tell him but he disregards that & comes up with his own reasoning. He twists everything I say. For exa mple, I told him once that as much as I loved him & wanted to be with him & how much it would hurt for us not to be together, that if the only way for him to be happy was to be separate from me, then that's what he needed to do because he deserves to be happy & that I don't want to be the reason that someone is miserable. He got mad & said that was the most cruel thing that anyone has ever said to him. I was completely dumbfounded.
Part of the reason that I haven't wanted to separate yet is because I feel like he truly doesn't get it. He hasn't been given the tools necessary to have a healthy relationship and I keep hoping that day will come. I believe that marriage is forever & you do everything to try & make it work so I've tried to hang in there. Even though, it is emotionally & mentally destroying me.
Another reason I've stuck it out is our 2 children. It would devastate them. They're such good kids & are at that age where anything could set them off track. But, here lately, I've realized that he may never understand.
I'm no psychologist but from everything that I've studied, the best way I can describe him is narcissistic as well as his mother. I've never known anyone who is incapable of having empathy for others except for them & I don't know how to deal with it.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might be able to say or do to help him understand things a little better? Or am I fighting a losing battle?
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