I posted here a couple of years ago and was clearly having an emotional affair which has now ended. This is an update as I seem to be repeating the same patterns.
I'm in a committed, married, ten-year relationship. We've had our ups and downs as all couples do, and we've been through some very serious stuff and survived (life-threatening illness included).
I was young when we got together and allowed myself to become the weaker partner - always submissive and often feeling browbeaten and almost emotionally abused. Little things blow up into huge issues and I always end up feeling like the one in the wrong, being told just to "think about" my attitude and do something about it. She's a sharp arguer and always find the way to demonstrate what I'm doing wrong to cause the conflict. So there's that and that hurts.
There's also little to no sex. Or any affection really. I'd settle for a smooch and a cuddle but it's either full sex or nothing, and full sex is probably only once or twice a year.
I keep falling for other women. Powerful, all consuming crushes, wherein I dream of running away and starting a new life with this person. Every time I'm convinced that this new person would solve all my problems and that starting again with the knowledge I have now would be the best way to go.
Two years ago I was desperate to leave my wife. Then she got ill and I stayed. I'm still here. I'd say the illness brought us closer but I don't know that it removed the underlying problems. Also, now we can't have children. Although, technically, I still could.
It feels like the relationship is more practical than affectionate - and has since pretty much the first few months.
Do I want to leave? Why do I seek comfort in fantasies of other women? Am I genuinely falling in love, or do I just like it when women pay attention to me?
Thanks for reading, and for still being here. This forum saved me two years ago and, so far, it also saved my marriage.
I'm in a committed, married, ten-year relationship. We've had our ups and downs as all couples do, and we've been through some very serious stuff and survived (life-threatening illness included).
I was young when we got together and allowed myself to become the weaker partner - always submissive and often feeling browbeaten and almost emotionally abused. Little things blow up into huge issues and I always end up feeling like the one in the wrong, being told just to "think about" my attitude and do something about it. She's a sharp arguer and always find the way to demonstrate what I'm doing wrong to cause the conflict. So there's that and that hurts.
There's also little to no sex. Or any affection really. I'd settle for a smooch and a cuddle but it's either full sex or nothing, and full sex is probably only once or twice a year.
I keep falling for other women. Powerful, all consuming crushes, wherein I dream of running away and starting a new life with this person. Every time I'm convinced that this new person would solve all my problems and that starting again with the knowledge I have now would be the best way to go.
Two years ago I was desperate to leave my wife. Then she got ill and I stayed. I'm still here. I'd say the illness brought us closer but I don't know that it removed the underlying problems. Also, now we can't have children. Although, technically, I still could.
It feels like the relationship is more practical than affectionate - and has since pretty much the first few months.
Do I want to leave? Why do I seek comfort in fantasies of other women? Am I genuinely falling in love, or do I just like it when women pay attention to me?
Thanks for reading, and for still being here. This forum saved me two years ago and, so far, it also saved my marriage.
Put the internet to work for you.
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