Hi, first post. :)
I asked my husband for a divorce last week. I was completely confident in my decision, we had been to couples' counseling twice, and I have been seeing an individual counselor for the last two months leading up to this. As the months dragged on with us trying to work on things (or leaving it be and focusing on the positive) I only grew further and further apart from him, feeling stressed and trapped by something that just felt wrong to me. I desperately wanted out, and finally got the courage to do it. He moved out immediately after I delivered the news, but he doesn't want it to end. He desperately wants to make it work. I felt good the first couple days, but after seeing him this weekend when he picked up some stuff, I just sank into doubt. I miss him, I can't stop thinking about all the good stuff we had in the beginning, I feel lots of love, I think about him on and off throughout the day (like I see something that reminds me of him or that he would find funny/interesting , and have the urge to text him to share). It's weird, because over the past year I've wanted less and less to do with him, never missed him when we were apart (and actually looked forward to it) and didn't even want him to touch me. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with all these positive, regretful feelings. Is this normal, or does it mean I'm making the wrong decision?
Some background:
- Only adult relationship for both of us, only relationship ever for me. Dated all throughout college.
- Made the decision to marry not long after we started dating, but waited 7 years to do it until we had money and were career settled.
- Began having problems immediately after graduating college but didn't think much of then, thought it was just the stress of life and we were too wrapped up in ourselves to realize they were relationship issues.
- I had doubt on and off about whether I was with the right person. Often thought about other men and in particular an old, close friend I had always wished I ended up with (this friend and I shared a lot of similar passions, hobbies, viewpoints, goals and when we talk we instinctively 'get' each other).
- Marriage started to crumble just three months in. It's been one year now since it started to fall apart.
- Tried counseling once and abandoned it because we thought we were getting better and the counselor was awful anyway.
- Tried counseling again, but only had one session because by that time, I already wanted out. The counselor could tell, so I just did individual with her.
- As problems got worse, I started an emotional affair with a coworker who I was already friends with (started without attraction). It eventually turned physical, but it wasn't serious and only happened a couple times. We've cut back our social interaction drastically at work, but we're such close friends that it's been difficult to end all contact. But all flirting, etc. is gone.
Our issues:
- Poor sex life. Not frequent enough, and I never initiated (was like this before we got married). I'm not sure I've been turned on by anything about him in years.
- Grew apart in interests, hobbies, passions, goals, lifestyles, etc. Or just realized we actually have very little in common.
- He was depressed, but refused to get help for years. Due to this, he only focused on himself and his problems and didn't care about me or the relationship. He never thought about our future. He finally started therapy after our first round of failed marriage counseling, and is getting better.
- For years after college, he only cared about his career and would spend most of his free-time on career-related personal projects. Neglected me and the relationship. Threatened to drop me if I ever asked him to put me first.
- I carried the weight of the relationship. Took care of him, the bills, the house, kept track of everything so he could just focus on career. Coordinated everything when it came to financial decisions, moving, apartment-hunting, vet visits, life decisions, etc.
- I put a lot of my life and needs on hold while he worked on his career, hoping it would help him (he was so depressed he couldn't cope with too much). Anytime I tried to ask for more consideration, he either got upset that I was asking for anything or he would turn the conversation around about how unhappy he was, and that took precedence.
Basically, after years of putting 200% into "us", doing everything I could to support his career and help, always putting him first, and just waiting for him to get his career settled so I could finally get some attention, I just got worn down. Compounding that, I kept wondering if I would be happier with someone who liked some of the things I did, got excited about some of the same stuff, maybe had a similar faith system (he is staunch atheist, I am very spiritual), was more extroverted like me, etc. (I don't know if these are legit concerns, or just me coming up with more excuses to leave because I felt so neglected). I told him I wanted to leave two months ago, and that's when he finally started to turn things around and began to put in effort. But I was already done - we had been trying to fix our issues for almost a year at that point, and he refused to change until I actually told him I was going to leave. Admittedly though, I am seeing some change - after asking for it for five years. He was the way he was because he was so depressed. He regrets his behavior and a lot of his comments. He's basically asking for a second (well fourth or fifth) chance.
So now that I made the decision to leave, why am I so hesitant to do anything? Is this normal, or a sign that it's the wrong decision? I feel terrible about it for a day, then better for a day and confident again. Or I feel terrible for hours, regretting, and then confident for a couple hours. Talking it through with people seems to get me back to confident.
I should also add that I've never lived on my own, and I have no friends or family here. Everything in my adult life revolved around him. So I'll be starting from scratch, which is a little terrifying.
And also, I struggled with severe depression for 12 years, through adolescence and college. While I consider myself emotionally healthy now, I have a tendency to relapse hard when things get stressful. I wonder if it's playing a part in this (because along with the second thoughts, I feel immobilized by fear, unable to get out of bed, eat, take care of myself, or think about anything. I tried drinking myself to numbness for a couple days, and now I'm trying St. John's Wort because that seems like a healthier option!).
Thanks for your thoughts and help.
I asked my husband for a divorce last week. I was completely confident in my decision, we had been to couples' counseling twice, and I have been seeing an individual counselor for the last two months leading up to this. As the months dragged on with us trying to work on things (or leaving it be and focusing on the positive) I only grew further and further apart from him, feeling stressed and trapped by something that just felt wrong to me. I desperately wanted out, and finally got the courage to do it. He moved out immediately after I delivered the news, but he doesn't want it to end. He desperately wants to make it work. I felt good the first couple days, but after seeing him this weekend when he picked up some stuff, I just sank into doubt. I miss him, I can't stop thinking about all the good stuff we had in the beginning, I feel lots of love, I think about him on and off throughout the day (like I see something that reminds me of him or that he would find funny/interesting , and have the urge to text him to share). It's weird, because over the past year I've wanted less and less to do with him, never missed him when we were apart (and actually looked forward to it) and didn't even want him to touch me. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with all these positive, regretful feelings. Is this normal, or does it mean I'm making the wrong decision?
Some background:
- Only adult relationship for both of us, only relationship ever for me. Dated all throughout college.
- Made the decision to marry not long after we started dating, but waited 7 years to do it until we had money and were career settled.
- Began having problems immediately after graduating college but didn't think much of then, thought it was just the stress of life and we were too wrapped up in ourselves to realize they were relationship issues.
- I had doubt on and off about whether I was with the right person. Often thought about other men and in particular an old, close friend I had always wished I ended up with (this friend and I shared a lot of similar passions, hobbies, viewpoints, goals and when we talk we instinctively 'get' each other).
- Marriage started to crumble just three months in. It's been one year now since it started to fall apart.
- Tried counseling once and abandoned it because we thought we were getting better and the counselor was awful anyway.
- Tried counseling again, but only had one session because by that time, I already wanted out. The counselor could tell, so I just did individual with her.
- As problems got worse, I started an emotional affair with a coworker who I was already friends with (started without attraction). It eventually turned physical, but it wasn't serious and only happened a couple times. We've cut back our social interaction drastically at work, but we're such close friends that it's been difficult to end all contact. But all flirting, etc. is gone.
Our issues:
- Poor sex life. Not frequent enough, and I never initiated (was like this before we got married). I'm not sure I've been turned on by anything about him in years.
- Grew apart in interests, hobbies, passions, goals, lifestyles, etc. Or just realized we actually have very little in common.
- He was depressed, but refused to get help for years. Due to this, he only focused on himself and his problems and didn't care about me or the relationship. He never thought about our future. He finally started therapy after our first round of failed marriage counseling, and is getting better.
- For years after college, he only cared about his career and would spend most of his free-time on career-related personal projects. Neglected me and the relationship. Threatened to drop me if I ever asked him to put me first.
- I carried the weight of the relationship. Took care of him, the bills, the house, kept track of everything so he could just focus on career. Coordinated everything when it came to financial decisions, moving, apartment-hunting, vet visits, life decisions, etc.
- I put a lot of my life and needs on hold while he worked on his career, hoping it would help him (he was so depressed he couldn't cope with too much). Anytime I tried to ask for more consideration, he either got upset that I was asking for anything or he would turn the conversation around about how unhappy he was, and that took precedence.
Basically, after years of putting 200% into "us", doing everything I could to support his career and help, always putting him first, and just waiting for him to get his career settled so I could finally get some attention, I just got worn down. Compounding that, I kept wondering if I would be happier with someone who liked some of the things I did, got excited about some of the same stuff, maybe had a similar faith system (he is staunch atheist, I am very spiritual), was more extroverted like me, etc. (I don't know if these are legit concerns, or just me coming up with more excuses to leave because I felt so neglected). I told him I wanted to leave two months ago, and that's when he finally started to turn things around and began to put in effort. But I was already done - we had been trying to fix our issues for almost a year at that point, and he refused to change until I actually told him I was going to leave. Admittedly though, I am seeing some change - after asking for it for five years. He was the way he was because he was so depressed. He regrets his behavior and a lot of his comments. He's basically asking for a second (well fourth or fifth) chance.
So now that I made the decision to leave, why am I so hesitant to do anything? Is this normal, or a sign that it's the wrong decision? I feel terrible about it for a day, then better for a day and confident again. Or I feel terrible for hours, regretting, and then confident for a couple hours. Talking it through with people seems to get me back to confident.
I should also add that I've never lived on my own, and I have no friends or family here. Everything in my adult life revolved around him. So I'll be starting from scratch, which is a little terrifying.
And also, I struggled with severe depression for 12 years, through adolescence and college. While I consider myself emotionally healthy now, I have a tendency to relapse hard when things get stressful. I wonder if it's playing a part in this (because along with the second thoughts, I feel immobilized by fear, unable to get out of bed, eat, take care of myself, or think about anything. I tried drinking myself to numbness for a couple days, and now I'm trying St. John's Wort because that seems like a healthier option!).
Thanks for your thoughts and help.
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