Haven't visited or posted in awhile. I was at a point where reading the posts was triggering and I needed a break. Recently some issues with my WS have reared their ugly heads and each of us are struggling. We've been in R for a little over a year after he had a short-lived affair with a co-worker. They haven't worked together in about 10 months now.
A few weeks back my husband's boss (different boss than he had at the time of the affair) took a younger female intern on in their department, she's from one of the city colleges. This has definitely caused me to trigger but I *thought* WS and I were openly communicating about the situation and I believed, however hesitantly, he was being transparent with me. Turns out I was wrong.
I found out that yesterday he gave her an expensive piece of sports equipment of ours that would easily resell for $400 or more, it was practically new. I'm not concerned about the item or the money but I'm quite upset that a) who gives someone they barely know a "gift" like that? Apparently my husband with poor (non-existent) boundaries does! IMO the expensive gift giving is inappropriate and disrespectful to me for a variety of reasons. b) He did not tell me he was going to do it and readily admitted in his angry outburst he had no plans on telling me and purposely kept it a secret because I'm "so controlling." c) he's also justifying his actions by saying he told me the truth when called out so therefore "now none of it was a lie." Apparently that statement doesn't make him a hypocrite either - as he had just admitted to omitting the truth. It's like dealing with a phucking 5yo.
I could go on and on about this sitch but IMO he's clearly blame shifting, trying to deflect the issue, manipulating, not taking responsibility, making independent decisions with joint property, and IMO acting inappropriately with a much younger coworker who he is also supervising for his boss.
The icing on the cake was when he told me near the end of his ranting (the end came when I refused to keep listening and left the room), he told me I would "never get over" his affair (well duh, it's been just over a year since d-day and funny, the behavior is clearly still bad!) and he wouldn't put up with being controlled the rest of his life. I calmly responded by telling him no one was controlling him and he was free to go; that's not a threat - I meant it. FWIW, I am not afraid to live without him/get a divorce, emotionally, and mostly financially, I'm at a point where I can handle that.
Again, I'm not upset about the sports equipment or its value. I only mentioned the value as I believe it's inappropriate, particularly for someone with his very recent history, to be giving to someone who was a stranger up until a few weeks ago. I'm not concerned about this coworker or any intentions she may or may not have, my concern falls squarely on him and his behavior. He has low self-esteem and seeks out external validation from women. IMO the gift was another way to make himself look like the "good guy" while he disrespects me, his wife of over 20 years.
The only real hitch in kicking him out permanently is my job and my seniority. There is a HIGH potential I could lose my job due to economy/budget related staff reductions. This could happen as soon as the end of next month. I would get unemployment but it isn't enough. We live in a no-fault divorce state but I might have a good shot at alimony.
Finances are my only real fear currently and I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this..... how many chances does he get before I end up allowing this to ruin my life? Am I wrong about his behavior with this intern? :(
A few weeks back my husband's boss (different boss than he had at the time of the affair) took a younger female intern on in their department, she's from one of the city colleges. This has definitely caused me to trigger but I *thought* WS and I were openly communicating about the situation and I believed, however hesitantly, he was being transparent with me. Turns out I was wrong.
I found out that yesterday he gave her an expensive piece of sports equipment of ours that would easily resell for $400 or more, it was practically new. I'm not concerned about the item or the money but I'm quite upset that a) who gives someone they barely know a "gift" like that? Apparently my husband with poor (non-existent) boundaries does! IMO the expensive gift giving is inappropriate and disrespectful to me for a variety of reasons. b) He did not tell me he was going to do it and readily admitted in his angry outburst he had no plans on telling me and purposely kept it a secret because I'm "so controlling." c) he's also justifying his actions by saying he told me the truth when called out so therefore "now none of it was a lie." Apparently that statement doesn't make him a hypocrite either - as he had just admitted to omitting the truth. It's like dealing with a phucking 5yo.
I could go on and on about this sitch but IMO he's clearly blame shifting, trying to deflect the issue, manipulating, not taking responsibility, making independent decisions with joint property, and IMO acting inappropriately with a much younger coworker who he is also supervising for his boss.
The icing on the cake was when he told me near the end of his ranting (the end came when I refused to keep listening and left the room), he told me I would "never get over" his affair (well duh, it's been just over a year since d-day and funny, the behavior is clearly still bad!) and he wouldn't put up with being controlled the rest of his life. I calmly responded by telling him no one was controlling him and he was free to go; that's not a threat - I meant it. FWIW, I am not afraid to live without him/get a divorce, emotionally, and mostly financially, I'm at a point where I can handle that.
Again, I'm not upset about the sports equipment or its value. I only mentioned the value as I believe it's inappropriate, particularly for someone with his very recent history, to be giving to someone who was a stranger up until a few weeks ago. I'm not concerned about this coworker or any intentions she may or may not have, my concern falls squarely on him and his behavior. He has low self-esteem and seeks out external validation from women. IMO the gift was another way to make himself look like the "good guy" while he disrespects me, his wife of over 20 years.
The only real hitch in kicking him out permanently is my job and my seniority. There is a HIGH potential I could lose my job due to economy/budget related staff reductions. This could happen as soon as the end of next month. I would get unemployment but it isn't enough. We live in a no-fault divorce state but I might have a good shot at alimony.
Finances are my only real fear currently and I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this..... how many chances does he get before I end up allowing this to ruin my life? Am I wrong about his behavior with this intern? :(
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