I have been married for 15 years + 6 dating. At year one of dating he said he thought he could do better. We broke up. I stopped all contact. 1 year later, he came back. We got married. At year 7 of marriage he went to vegas came home acted weird, I asked if he cheated on me? He said "NO!" 3 weeks later a dr release came to the house stating he did NOT have any STD's. I calmly confronted. It took 30 minutes but he finally started crying telling me it was a hook up with a porn girl there. I forgave him and he was mad at me for over a week...why? "All my friends cheat and I do it once and get caught!?"
Fast forward till this past May when he took up with a girl from work. I found out because he was acting so weird...and I used Find My Iphone and found him in a hotel instead of at his buddy's house in Chicago. (we live in LA) He didn't call that whole weekend (he normally calls all the time) and when he arrived home I confronted him and he confessed right away. That night he said he was going to stop talking to her. The affair had been going on via phone for 7 weeks.
As I'm sure you guessed he didn't stop talking to her and I asked him to move out if he was going to continue his relationship. He chose to move out but said, "I'm not leaving you for her...i'm leaving you for you." Ok.
Since then I was mad for about a month and then came to the conclusion: I still love him and want to be married still to him.
Problem is he isn't sure. He claims he is confused and still lives alone in a one room place by the beach. He loves it there....she comes down from San Fran to visit 2 times a month and has also said "If I want to date a girl I met at Starbux I want to be able to!" I caught him with the SF girl and he said he cried for 2 days. He also loves coming over the house (he calls it "Home" and his apartment "my place") and comes over his 3 'assigned nights plus whenever there is something going on with the kids. He sits on the couch and watches TV, football or hangs out. He does do the laundry and other stuff around here...but he has a girlfriend and other aspirations.
We go to therapy SEPARATELY. He says he's not ready to work on the marriage yet and goes solo and says to me often: you work on you, i'll work on me and if we come together...great.
Background: His dad died the year before and he just started pulling away. I was worried, didn't know what to do....instead of reaching for him I got scared and watched him more than approaching him. I realize now that was wrong and have told him that. (we still had sex though - so I believed everything was ok) he was angry and constantly trying to fight with me. He now says "I haven't been happy in 16 years." (we've been married 15) and he says repeatedly "You've controlled me and told me what to do, now I'm standing up for myself and doing what I want to do." He also says, "I didn't have an affair for sex, that was good, I did it for an emotional connection." I find that weird. I had an emotional connection to him and everyone I know. He doesn't. I sometimes feel he doesn't know how...
Our therapist says he's 16 and rebelling against his mom. Me - i'm the mom. I am 2 years older than him. I'm not a controlling person but over the years he's been so soft on decisions with our 3 kids (13, 9 and 7) and a house we built that I'd be the only one to have an opinion and that was the way we went. I grew up in a large family in chicago - if you had an opinion, you need to say it. He grew up in a home with parents that hated each other and his dad never said he loved him. So I can see what he calls controlling.
Question: I want to keep my marriage. He has rewritten our past to make every memory a nightmare. (never was ever happy) (He is on anti-depressants and has panic attacks). We used to have great sex up until 5 days AFTER I found out he cheated - we came home from seeing our pastor who told us to go home and hold each other and we came home and had the best sex ever. That was in May. That was the last time we touched each other more than a hug.
I'd love to hear any proven advice on what should I do....(someone who did something to snap their spouse out of their fog and got them to return to their family) I've spent the past 5 months going to classes, reconnected with friends, having a blast and have maintained a positive happy attitude. I'm kind, open, loving, caring, and tell him how much I appreciate him when he's with the kids, takes out the trash, does dishes and laundry. Because I think that is important to say to any human.
Nothing has worked. Yesterday after spending time on this site and reading responses, I told him I didn't want him on the couch today watching the game....he could take the kids to the local pub. He didn't want to go but I said I didn't want him here So he took them out, texted complaining the whole time and when he came home, he took his phone upstairs and was texting someone in the dark in our (well mine now) bedroom.
I found him and told him politely that i've got the kids now he can go and he said goodbye to the kids and left.
Our old therapist said not to push him away or lose contact because he'll run to the other girl or any girl. But I don't know. I've got the nice and kind thing but what about boundaries? Do I change the locks, file for legal separation? We have to see each other all the time because of the kids sports/games...like tonight...we're going to dinner with another family. Is that okay? I'm thinking the more he sees me the better? But then I'm like maybe that is wrong. He needs to NOT see me? Did anyone do the NC thing and it drew the other in...they actually missed you? I kinda want him to see me happy but away from him...but maybe that is wrong. Yet I think if I was out of sight I'd be out of mind because he has been so bitter and angry at me. Good riddance? I'm being negative on myself and that is wrong. But when someone creates 'new memories' in their head....you can't beat that, right?
Thanks in advance for your help and support. My goal is keeping my family together. Period.
Fast forward till this past May when he took up with a girl from work. I found out because he was acting so weird...and I used Find My Iphone and found him in a hotel instead of at his buddy's house in Chicago. (we live in LA) He didn't call that whole weekend (he normally calls all the time) and when he arrived home I confronted him and he confessed right away. That night he said he was going to stop talking to her. The affair had been going on via phone for 7 weeks.
As I'm sure you guessed he didn't stop talking to her and I asked him to move out if he was going to continue his relationship. He chose to move out but said, "I'm not leaving you for her...i'm leaving you for you." Ok.
Since then I was mad for about a month and then came to the conclusion: I still love him and want to be married still to him.
Problem is he isn't sure. He claims he is confused and still lives alone in a one room place by the beach. He loves it there....she comes down from San Fran to visit 2 times a month and has also said "If I want to date a girl I met at Starbux I want to be able to!" I caught him with the SF girl and he said he cried for 2 days. He also loves coming over the house (he calls it "Home" and his apartment "my place") and comes over his 3 'assigned nights plus whenever there is something going on with the kids. He sits on the couch and watches TV, football or hangs out. He does do the laundry and other stuff around here...but he has a girlfriend and other aspirations.
We go to therapy SEPARATELY. He says he's not ready to work on the marriage yet and goes solo and says to me often: you work on you, i'll work on me and if we come together...great.
Background: His dad died the year before and he just started pulling away. I was worried, didn't know what to do....instead of reaching for him I got scared and watched him more than approaching him. I realize now that was wrong and have told him that. (we still had sex though - so I believed everything was ok) he was angry and constantly trying to fight with me. He now says "I haven't been happy in 16 years." (we've been married 15) and he says repeatedly "You've controlled me and told me what to do, now I'm standing up for myself and doing what I want to do." He also says, "I didn't have an affair for sex, that was good, I did it for an emotional connection." I find that weird. I had an emotional connection to him and everyone I know. He doesn't. I sometimes feel he doesn't know how...
Our therapist says he's 16 and rebelling against his mom. Me - i'm the mom. I am 2 years older than him. I'm not a controlling person but over the years he's been so soft on decisions with our 3 kids (13, 9 and 7) and a house we built that I'd be the only one to have an opinion and that was the way we went. I grew up in a large family in chicago - if you had an opinion, you need to say it. He grew up in a home with parents that hated each other and his dad never said he loved him. So I can see what he calls controlling.
Question: I want to keep my marriage. He has rewritten our past to make every memory a nightmare. (never was ever happy) (He is on anti-depressants and has panic attacks). We used to have great sex up until 5 days AFTER I found out he cheated - we came home from seeing our pastor who told us to go home and hold each other and we came home and had the best sex ever. That was in May. That was the last time we touched each other more than a hug.
I'd love to hear any proven advice on what should I do....(someone who did something to snap their spouse out of their fog and got them to return to their family) I've spent the past 5 months going to classes, reconnected with friends, having a blast and have maintained a positive happy attitude. I'm kind, open, loving, caring, and tell him how much I appreciate him when he's with the kids, takes out the trash, does dishes and laundry. Because I think that is important to say to any human.
Nothing has worked. Yesterday after spending time on this site and reading responses, I told him I didn't want him on the couch today watching the game....he could take the kids to the local pub. He didn't want to go but I said I didn't want him here So he took them out, texted complaining the whole time and when he came home, he took his phone upstairs and was texting someone in the dark in our (well mine now) bedroom.
I found him and told him politely that i've got the kids now he can go and he said goodbye to the kids and left.
Our old therapist said not to push him away or lose contact because he'll run to the other girl or any girl. But I don't know. I've got the nice and kind thing but what about boundaries? Do I change the locks, file for legal separation? We have to see each other all the time because of the kids sports/games...like tonight...we're going to dinner with another family. Is that okay? I'm thinking the more he sees me the better? But then I'm like maybe that is wrong. He needs to NOT see me? Did anyone do the NC thing and it drew the other in...they actually missed you? I kinda want him to see me happy but away from him...but maybe that is wrong. Yet I think if I was out of sight I'd be out of mind because he has been so bitter and angry at me. Good riddance? I'm being negative on myself and that is wrong. But when someone creates 'new memories' in their head....you can't beat that, right?
Thanks in advance for your help and support. My goal is keeping my family together. Period.
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