Charleston masacre

Obama said at the White House. "At some point, we as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this kind of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. It doesn't happen in other places with this kind of frequency. It is in our power to do something about it."
So, in your opinion... what is wrong in America and what should be done about it?

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Is this normal?

I can NOT handle when my husband is upset. If he gets frustrated at the littlest thing it stresses me out and I try to fix it though I know I can't. He has slight anger issues as far as just letting things get him angry too fast. But really I am the one making myself feel like I have to walk on eggshells because if he gets slightly dissapointed (even if he's not mad at me specifically), I get really tense.
So this is my latest and I can't sleep now: It's my birthday weekend. I've never been to a casino before. There is one about 40 minutes away from home and another one 1.5 hours away from home. So I decided we should go to the one furthest away from home and get a hotel room and make a true "night away" out of it. We got there pretty early, spent the 200 we had planned on bringing in, and we were done by 8. Of course we didn't make any money which was to be expected, but of course my husband got irritated and quickly walked out after the last 20 was spent. He then mumbles about how stupid it was that we got a hotel and now we "have to be bored and stuck in a room and we spent 100 more on this hotel than if we would have gone to the closer one." We are well off financially so it's not a big deal to me, but he is PISSED now that we spent 300 dollars total in a weekend and wouldn't even speak to me in the hotel room. Went to sleep early. I can't handle this. I 'm at the point of shaking and I feel immense guilt for doing this for my birthday. Is it normal to HATE your husband being upset this much? Like if he is not happy, there's no way I am.

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Need advice

I've been married for 25 years and have been thinking about divorce for quite a while (5 years at least). Numerous times throughout, I have considered divorce but stayed. I had basically told myself that when my kids were through high school, I would divorce. My wife and I have not had sex in years, we rarely do anything together. I'm to the point that I don't like hanging out with her. So, youngest child will finish HS next year, recently the wife and I have had a few arguments and I've told her things that have bothered me. She said something to me that really took me back, she said that I made her feel that she was never good enough for me. I'm at the point that I think we both deserve to be happy. She isn't making me happy and I don't think I will make her happy. I feel like we are just existing and not really in a marriage. It does not feel like a relationship.
My question, should I talk to my wife and tell her I want a divorce before filing or should I get everything in order and then tell her?
This will be a shock to her. I've talked to a friend that went through a similar situation. His comment was this, long term happiness is more important than short term guilt. That is what I feel when I want to bring this up, is guilt. I don't feel in love with her anymore. I don't feel like spending time with her. ANyone that has gone through this, I'd love to get some advice.

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Husband chooses his free time over supporting his family

I am a working mother of a 1 year old, that can not afford daycare, so I rely on my mother to watch my son without pay. My husband is a poker dealer, only works 4 days a week, and every work day is between 2-5 hours long. Working for tips is stressful and difficult I know. But very inconsistent pay.
I have just recently taken on a second job, because both of our incomes combined, we still are over-drawn in our account every month just paying bills/rent/groceries/gas etc.

My husband on the other hand...refuses to find another job, or better, more consistent paying job. He goes on his runs every morning and plays his round of Disc golf. On his 3 days off he likes to go to his friends house to play pool/drink. He still complains that he does not get to go cycling anymore and he would be a lot happier if he did.
I have tried to tell him to get another job so he can support his family like he should, and he gets defensive. He claims that money does not buy happiness (and many people in the world would agree), but for someone in OUR position, penny pinching everyday, and struggling to pay our bills, and feeding our son the right nutritious foods he should be having...DAMN STRAIGHT money would make us a whole lot happier!

The thing is...I know that his free time to do what he wants for HIM, is more important than making sure his family is well taken care of. I thought I was marrying an "old fashioned" type of guy, but I was very wrong. I feel that if this continues, I am just going to resent him more and more until its too late. I love my husband, and want nothing more than to make this marriage work, especially for our son's sake. I just wish he would try harder!!

Please, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

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Not sure what to do

Dear friends, hello again. Its been a while since I posted anything here, but I have been a regular lurker.
So I find myself in a bit of a situation where I need some sense knocked into me...or a good 2x4 kick.

A year ago I met a woman who almost knocked me off my feet. I say almost, because if I wasn't so cynical and afraid she probably would have succeed in doing so. This was two years after my divorce (met her on the same date I filed). She is a single mother and had a very similar situation to mine. Very similar thinking and has old school values. We instantly clicked, but took things slowly.
I saw a potential in this relationship, unlike any relationship I had before. She is a wonderful and caring person.
So here we are, a year later…I still have trust issues and am somewhat less cynical than year ago. Probably because I know things could and any day so I am protecting my heart. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I introduced my boys to her after about 8 months of dating and she did the same with her daughter. Boys (7&9) really like her and love playing with her daughter, who is the same age as my younger one. Her daughter likes me and I really like her (too early to say I love her), but I feel she is overly attached to her mom who lets her get away with anything. I told her this and she agreed with me, so now she is trying to change things a bit. But I don't want her to do it for me, if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, we both enjoy spending time together which is twice or three times a week and have very similar interests and outlook towards life. About a month ago we started having overnights with kids included, but we never slept in the same bed. Still taking things slowly a bit but very steady.
One thing that bothers me, and I told her this is that she is 35 and does not have a steady career. She came to US when she was 20 and worked different jobs. From bartending to working in a beauty salon. Right now she works in a nice restaurant four nights a week and during the day works in her own beauty salon (converted bedroom). She is a hard worker, and her ex finally started contributing towards the child expenses.
I have a good stable job making decent money. 20% of my paycheck goes to my ex who just went to court and is asking for more, which she will likely get. If she does that is going to put quite a stretch on my finances, so girlfriend and I talked about moving in together. She is very excited about this. In one hand I am too, because it will take a lot of financial burdens and stress from both of us trying to manage bills. But in the other hand I feel if we do so the relationship will change and I am afraid it will be harder. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be hard. So I am still undecided. By moving in together I would be 3-4 miles away from the boys (right now 12). I will have more money to spend on them and enjoy doing fun things together. But I am afraid that things between us two might change for worse, and I don't know why. I am afraid that on evenings she is working and I am alone with her daughter that I would not know how to discipline her if needed. I am afraid that my social life would suffer (and I have no reason to believe it would). And it just might be that I am afraid of getting close to someone again and getting hurt.
All my friends say that I am much happier when I am with her. The relationship is so much more refreshing than any I had before. We are both very open and respectful towards each other and we talk a lot about everything. But few times I thought about ending with stupid thinking that it would be better to end it now peacefully than later when things get more complicated. Yeah I know, it's wrong to think that. But I just don't know what I should do.
In hindsight I feel every decision I made in last three years was a right one, but some reason I think this one could cost me all the progress I made. Is this rational thinking? Any of you ever felt the same?
Friends asked me do I love her, I do, very much…but I don't know if I am in love with her. I don't even know what being in love is supposed to feel like any more. I am afraid to let her go because I'd hate to regret it, but sometimes want to see if there is possibly something better out there. Greener grass syndrome maybe?
Do I just go ahead and do it and if it ends at least I would have learned something. But I feel people would end up hurt, including me and the kids.
Damn, I feel like a selfish ******* sometimes. :crying:

My next step is to talk to her about all this I wrote, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
So dear TAM people...I am asking you for some help. Ask me questions I possibly failed to ask myself. Tell me things from your perspective. And I understand that decision is ultimately mine...but need help to come to it.

Thanks

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Wife cheated and I don't know what to do!!

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years and have been together for 6. We have 2 children, one is 3 and the other is almost a year old. About a month ago I found out on my wifes birthday that she had been having an affair for 3 months with a co-worker. I use to work at this jon with her so everyone there knew she was married and I even knew the guy she cheated on me with. I found out by finding deleted texts on her phone after I started noticing her coming home late far too often.
They talked very sexual to each other and she even sent him pictures of herself naked while he never sent her one! The affair never was anything but meeting up to kiss and make out. When I confronted her about it she was devestated and didn't know how to react. She said she felt awful about it and didn't know how it got out of hand. She said that it was because I stopped working there and when I did I stopped talking to her about work and stuff. She said he always talked to her about work until one night when he asked her to meet him somewhere so they could discuss work matter.
It eventually led to him kissing her and then it escalated from there. They did have sex one time which was about 5 days before I found out.
I was COMPLETEY destroyed and confused when I found out. She has never acted like the person to cheat. We are very private people. She has no friends and neither do I so we have always been each others support. It just doesnt make sense how this could happen. There were no signs of her being unhappy or anything and again she just ISNT the time to do this yet she did.
She immediately told the guy she was done stopped talking to him and has pulled a complete 180 and is now the perfect wife and is doing everything I ask her to do. She is truly the person I "thought" I was married to before this.
The problem is that I have always had ZERO tolerance for cheating due to it happening to me in previous past 2 relationships. She truly is sorry, I can see it and I do believe she would never do this again but I just don't know if I can get over it. Are there some people who even if the spouse did EVERYTHING right they still couldn't work it out. I feel like thats me and I hate that because I want my children to have their parents together but I just don't know how I can ever get over this hurt or ever get close to trusting her again. Please help!

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AA / Alon / Emotional Abandonment

I've been married for 13 years, and found out a few days ago that my wife had 2 emotional affairs. They started when she began treatment for alcoholism and went to AA several years ago, and lasted until recently.

During MC, the therapist took a lot of time to educate me on how this was common during the recovery process. I understand about as well as I think I can, and while I'm angry it's not something I'm holding onto.

What is bothering me, and which I'm looking for some insight or advice on, is the concept of detachment and co-dependency which they teach at AA meetings. It seems to me that these are meant to protect the non-addicted spouse from continual abuse in a scenario where they continue to try to help their spouse but due to the addiction it's just not going to work out well for them.

In my case, my wife has adopted these as a means of emotionally detaching to the point of emotional abandonment. I don't know how much having these emotional attachments to other men have contributed to this, but she tosses out "co-dependency" and "loving-detachment" from her recovery process (I don't believe she understands them or how they should be used, but I'm no expert either).

I'm working with the therapist on this, but I'm finding it difficult to figure out how to handle my own needs. If my wife is crying, she doesn't want me to comfort her. There is no physical contact between us at all - no hugs, no kissing, etc. I'm basically in a waiting stage as she has to decide if she wants to participate in the marriage or if we should just end it. I don't know how long I'm willing to wait yet, but I've made it clear what I need and expect from the marriage.

There is still a very large hole in my life - I've been deprived of any sort of emotional or physical affection for years. I'm going out, having fun, making new friends, but I still have this hole in my life where affection and love are missing. I still find myself wanting this from my wife when she is unable or unwilling to provide it. My wife is scared I will have an affair - she's not providing for my needs, I'm certainly vulnerable having been deprived for so long, and she's had affairs. It's not stopping me from taking care of myself, but it does strain the relationship.

Any tips or advice on how to continue?

• How to stop looking for love from a spouse that isn't willing to give it (yet)?
• How to lesson the need or find ways of addressing the need for affection without having an affair?

Thanks,
S40

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are kids and love enough?

I'm new here and don't know what to do. I love my wife. All indications are that she loves me back. We have a child together (4yo) We've been married 6 years. There are also step-children in the picture (2, hers). She's been out of work due to an injury that isn't going away. No work, no disability (yet) means we've been surviving off my paycheck alone. I've recently found out that she hasn't bee completely honest, helping her sister financially. After we seemingly got our debt organized with a home equity loan, I find out we are way in credit card debt because she's taken several advances on the card to help her sister and some harebrained plan to stay ahead of the debt. I don't want to be away from my kid like I would be if we were divorced. I can't help but ask myself if I'm allowing myself to be dragged down or if it's too late since marriage and children completely change the landscape. Should I be thinking of jumping boat and divorce my wife so I can try to get things back financially for the the sake of my kid and myself or should I stick it out for love too? I told her I'd rather be miserable for a long time before jumping to divorce because I've always felt divorce was too easy but divorce doesn't feel like the easy choice leading me to wonder if I've done what I've said and it still isn't working. I just feel like I am at my wits end!
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Happy Father's Day!?! or single mother's day????

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Happy Father's Day!?! or single mother's day????

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• 1 minute ago now

I've been going through my newsfeed and i've seen some women posting "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO MYSELF". I'm trying to figure out if this makes sense.

Can a woman really take on the role of a father?
What really is the role of the father?

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He said he wanted to be with me, now he's acting weird

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He said he wanted to be with me, now he's acting weird

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• 30 minutes ago 30m ago

I've been getting really close with this guy since a month or two. First as friends, but then we started cuddling / kissing pretty much every time we saw each other (haven't slept together yet though). He's said he really likes me on several occasions. Thursday we were both a bit drunk and he said he wanted to give things a go between us and it would be a shame to not at least try. We agreed we would take things very slowly. He sounded pretty serious about it - like he was talking about how we would tell our mutual friends etc. He's a bit of a player but he has real intimacy issues when it comes to actual relationships (though he has been in long-term relationships before).

So since then things seem to be different than they were before. He's initiated quite a few convos on Facebook and asked if he could see me on Saturday (I couldn't as I was at my mum's), so it's not like he's disappeared, but he's been saying some pretty strange things to me.
Like we were talking about some girl and he just said, 'I guess I would [shag her]', it was obviously a joke, but still... seems like a weird / insensitive thing to say considering the circumstances? And then later he said he was writing a song about how his mum died and he's 'incapable of love', which breaks my heart because I know he's been through a lot, but again, the fact that he feels the need to say this to me makes me feel like he's sort of warning me off. He also said he always just starts conversations with me when he's bored, which is, uhm,... flattering, I guess(?!).

I have no real reason to assume that what was said on Thursday isn't 'valid' anymore, but somehow I feel like it isn't. I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships though, so it might just be my own paranoia making me jump to conclusions.

Not sure why I'm posting this even. Does it sound like he's having second thoughts, or he's scared, or I'm scared and reading too much into things?

Should I ask him if he wants to go for drinks at some point (I think some face to face communication might be helpful in this case), or should I give him some space at this point?

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Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

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Moving past rejection/breakup feels?

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• 24 minutes ago 24m ago

Hey,

I didn't mean to write so much when I started! Below is a story with a tl;dr for people with busy lives to lead.

SO
About two years ago I met a girl in the summer after my GCSEs; she wasn't my idea of perfection after a fruitless 5-year long crush at high school on an athletic blond stunner. However, after a few days in her presence, my idea of perfection was redefined. Her personality made my world a better place, and I found her to be physically beautiful too. Neither of us had any real dating experience. We went to different high-schools and sixth-forms, but by December 2013 I had been on a few decent dates with her (hot chocolates and parks and Christmas markets) but neither of us had mentioned taking anything anywhere.

At the end of a fantastic night of European markets, I asked for a word with her and explained that I really liked her and made it clear that it was totally cool to not reciprocate the feelings and asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend, she said yes, she was smiling a lot and we hugged in the train station for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot the while way home and told my family and that was honestly the best I've felt in my life so far. We met up at a café a week later to exchange Christmas presents, but she seemed distant and didn't wait long to leave. I didn't realise that would be the last time I'd meet her. For a month after that, she didn't communicate with me once in any way, and I slowly realised where it was going. I switched from being on top of the world, happy and fulfilled, to being cold, depressed and short-tempered with family and friends alike over the Christmas break, and frequently disappeared into my room to cry into the pillow. Halfway into January, I got a short text when I was at work that we'd be better as friends. Never spoken again.

I used to have very long phone calls and talks with friends and talk about emotional things in our lives; since that Christmas the talks stopped, they said I had become quite emotionless and cold. I still loved her by June 2014, when it turns out my friends were worried I was seriously depressed; I consider myself to be very mentally robust, so this perception scared me, so I resolved to get over it and improve. By the end of the summer I had distracted myself with a couple of crushes on girls I met and had her mostly out of my mind, 8 months after it went bad.

TL;DR - last time it ended with rejection/breakup, I became an emotional recluse for 8 months and relationships with friends and family deteriorated.

ANYWAY, another year is nearly gone, and there's a girl I know from college who I think is great and we get along well. She's beautiful, funny, caring, and brings positivity to the room without trying. I've been to a couple of parties with her and her house and we're going to a concert. She's kind of flirty but it's hard to tell if anything is meant by it. I want to tell her I like her and have a go at dating, she's worth taking a risk for. However, I'm worried that I'll react to a rejection just like last time and end up shut-down again as I'm starting uni. Any tips on how to take rejection better and be more resilient? Should I go with this and have a go or leave it and not risk getting hurt? Any advice welcome!

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Would it be worth telling him this?

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Would it be worth telling him this?

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• 26 minutes ago 26m ago

I've known him for over a year. He liked and still does like me. He thinks I have no feelings for him whatsoever, the thing is I did and still do. I just chose not to deny it as I didn't want to risk our friendship. We live far away from each other too so I thought it'd be better for him to find somebody closer to him that can give him what he wants. I just want to tell him that how he felt about me, I felt the same way about him too the whole time. I don't know if this could take us anywhere or even if I want it to, I just feel like telling him as it is quite significant.

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Girls, what is she doing?

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Girls, what is she doing?

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• 12 minutes ago 12m ago

Okay so I'm an 18 year old guy and a few months ago I went to a party and got talking to a girl I quite liked and she gave me her number. The following day we started texting and it last for a week or two over the Easter holidays.

When we got back I tried speaking to her and she was ridiculously shy and on top of that stopped texting me. I could tell it wasn't her not being attracted to me which makes it even stranger.. I texted her for the first time in a month or so a couple of days ago wishing her good luck with her results and I saw her starting to reply but then she stopped and didn't actually reply till today?

What do you think she is doing? When she replied it was a nice reply and not short or anything so it's not as if she doesn't seem interested??

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does my ex still have feelings for me ?

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does my ex still have feelings for me ?

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• 2 hours ago 2h ago

We were together for 4 years. She was insisting I was the nicest guy she'd ever known etc. But it was over.
We were still getting on well and being close and I genuinely thought we could work things out and get back together.

Then I found out she was dating someone new and I was devastated. Also, we had kissed and cuddled just a couple of days before this.

Anyway, we didn't see each other and I tried to move on. I still loved her and it was hard to imagine them together.

We've spoken a bit by text and I wanted to catch up as friends as I'm gonna be moving away for work quite far away.

So we met today. We were getting on well, catching up on news etc. Found out they were going on holiday which I felt sad about, but I asked if it was going ok for them, and said I hoped she was happy.

Tbh I found myself looking at her all the time thinking how lovely she was and how I missed her. She texted me saying she was really happy to have seen me and couldn't wait for the next time.

I told her that I was ever so sorry but I didn't know if there should be a next time, as I was still in love with her and needed to get over these feelings.

I also said that I needed to leave her alone and respect the fact that she was with someone.

She texted saying 'you deserve 100 times better than me. You were the best boyfriend in the world. I will miss you so, so much.'
Do you think she appears to have any feelings still, or is just being nice? She had previously told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. Anyway, she's with the other guy and i'm moving away. I guess it's over forever. I feel like I will always love her :s

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Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

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Dad and stepdad, do you know who you love more?

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• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

Quick question if your parents split up and your mum gets a new partner who will become a step dad do you still know who your real father is? or do you forget about your real father and let the stepdad be your dad?

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