My husband and I always had a pretty rocky relationship, but if nothing else, we connected physically very well. I got pregnant, he started drifting away. He never wanted to feel the baby move, rub my feet, or go to prenatal or ultrasound appointments with me. After I had our baby, he was so cruel, mean and verbally abusive. While I was pregnant, I complained to him that he was treating me as if my being pregnant wasn't special. His response was, "Because it's not". Ouch, that hurt. After I had our baby, we got in to a tiff over financials and he pointed his finger at me, and very vehemently spat out, "I had to pay for you to have YOUR baby!" Wow. I was so shocked. In fact, I paid more than half that total bill, prenatal care and all. He not once offered to help me cover the cost of prenatal care and doctors visit copays, I paid for all that and more. When the labor and delivery bill had to be paid, we each paid half.
He's called me worthless, put me down for the way I dress, eat my food, use a fork, talk to my child, dress my child, and the list goes on and on. Two days after we brought our newborn baby home, he was in the bedroom, screaming quite angrily, "My ****ing socks don't go here!" I began crying and haven't stopped in nearly two years.
He withheld sex from me for a long time and in two years we may have had sex twelve times. I wasn't able to have sex after about four months in to my pregnancy in 2012, so in almost three years, I can probably count on both hands how many times we have had sex.
I have tried to work it out with him in therapy. He has said that he just doesn't want to have sex with me. When I ask him if he loves me, he says he can't give me an answer. He has blamed me for being high anxiety, high stress and having slight OCD as the reason why he can't get along with me, but really the major part of our animosity started after I had our baby.
He is a heavy pot smoker, and likes to pop the occasional oxy, vicodin, or any other narcotics he can get from a pal. I've tried to think that I compromise for his drug use, so why can't he overlook my OCD or anxiety issues. I am a perfectionist and I live by structure, and work best under pressure. He's lazy, works from home, so he can have plenty of flexibility to lie to his boss and go home to nap when he should be at work.
I work full time, making less than I used to, but my job offers us insurance benefits and the flexibility to take my child to work, work from home, or go get her from nursery school any time I need to .
He pushes me to make more money. I try to explain to him that another position probably won't allow me the flexibility to up and be a mom any time I need to, which is a lot. Our daughter was sick for a week straight and vomiting, and my husband couldn't just up and take off from work to stay home with her all week, but I could, and still was able to work and earn my income.
I used to work in another industry and made about ten grand more a year, but the work would not allow a flexible parenting situation as I have now.
He hates that I don't make more money, even though he got a twenty grand pay increase to his salary after we had our daughter. It's as though he resents having to make more and share.
Anyway, trying to be a good wife, serving him coffee in bed, laying out his clothes, cooking and cleaning for him, and trying to revisit our sexual relationship didn't work so well for me. He is cold, frigid, distant, neglects me physically and has approached me maybe four times to have sex in nearly three years. All other times, I had to practically beg him to have sex with me.
He hasn't paid me one compliment in nearly two years, nothing. He hasn't ever said I look nice, or pointed out any positives about me or my being a mom.
Then recently, I found he was sexting another woman. He's been on OKCupid since we got married. He claims he likes looking through the people who try to hook up with him on OKCupid, because he thinks it is funny. And he claimed he was sexting another woman he met on a parenting site, because he needed an outlet, someone to talk to who would understand him. Plus, he's addicted to porn, and not just porn, but the really degrading stuff.
We had sex twice since Xmas 2014, and the last time we did he congratulated me on the best sexual performance ever. I did all the things he likes, tried new stuff and he really seemed impressed and pleased. I told him I wanted to do this for so long, and we could do more, anything he liked, I would do because I love him and want us back. A week later I started finding texts to another woman about how he wanted to have sex with her. It was very explicit. I was crushed.
I took his phone and asked who the other woman was, he didn't say. I threw his phone down. That night I spent with a friend, and brought my daughter for a sleepover at her house. When I went home the next day, he still did not apologize. I confronted him again, and he said he needed an outlet. I then checked OKCupid and found he has still been frequenting his OKCupid account almost daily. He tried to explain all of it away as though I was wrong to go looking. He even told me to stop looking for things.
I told him to move out. He wouldn't go. He kept saying he was going to clean out his storage unit to move his stuff there. Still, he did not go. At this point, I was furious seeing his face around me. I kept telling him to go, he finally had enough of my nagging that he left. I texted him to remember the land lord was coming the next morning, so he would have to return to clean out any drugs he may have left in his home office and lock up anything important in his home safe.
He returned the next morning at 7:30 AM, bounding through our front door screaming at me that he had to beat rush hour traffic just to get home to put his drugs, guns and other such stuff in the home safe. He was enraged.
I calmly approached him as I began vacuuming and asked why he was so upset when he was the one who got caught. The next thing I know, something exploded in to my forearm and I thought my wrist was broken. He threw an object so hard at me, my wrist swelled up like a golf ball and it is still black and blue nearly a week later.
Now, my husband keeps a bulk supply of Extreme Glide next to his PC, along with a large pile of jack-off socks that grows ever larger next to the right of his computer desk. He took one of the full bottles of that sex lube and launched it at me as I vacuumed.
Screaming in pain I began to cry. I looked for my phone to call for help and realized he hid it. My daughter got up, awakened by my crying. I asked for my phone and my husband tossed it to my feet where I lay screaming in pain. He got me an ice pack and towel, I dialed the police.
I cried in to the phone that my wrist was broken by my spouse and I needed help. All the while, he is asking me who I called. The police? He began to curse and in a booming anger, he barked, "I'm. Sorry. OK?" No upward inflection, no feeling, no real feeling to it.
He left for work. Now he's out. Lives with some friends now, for almost a week now. But, he's still getting on OKCupid. And his side ***** is still texting him.
He and I spoke a couple nights ago and discussed it may be good for us to live apart for a while. Ah, doy!
The thing is, he still hasn't explained, or apologized to me. Should I live apart for awhile, file for separation, or ask for a divorce. We have a nearly two yr old daughter. I care for him, but he says I need help with my anxiety, stress and hormones for our marriage to work.
Put the internet to work for you.
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