This is going to be hard to explain, but I'm wondering if anyone can relate. Since the beginning of our relationship, one thing that has driven me crazy (and there are many things) is that when my wife asks me to do something, it often feels as though she is asking a favor of me: as if I were some stranger doing her a favor, as opposed to her partner working together with her. There are lots of extra "pleases" and a tone of voice that implies that there's some doubt that I'd be ok doing it.
I'm sure to most people my complaint sounds really weird. Isn't she just being polite? Well, no, not at all. It's typically my pleasure to do anything that I think will make life better for my wife and my family. I'm in a pretty much continuous state of trying to help make things ok for us. My wife is a control freak and is usually miserable about something or other (because nothing is ever quite right for her), but I do my best to make life good for her in the ways that I can. When she talks to me in this manner, it feels as though she is not acknowledging that I want to (and do) help - as though she is ultimately on her own and needs an exceptional favor from me.
As an example: I'm the person who cleans the house and am continuously cleaning up after her mess (she doesn't clean up after herself typically). But then, she'll use the "please do me a favor" tone and ask me to clean something specific. She asks as though walking on eggshells. However, since I always do anything and everything that is asked of me (and more!) why is she talking to me as if she has to be careful asking for a favor? Who else would clean it besides me? To me this feels like an undermining of everything I do. Instead of feeling like a partner, all of a sudden I feel like some helper who isn't appreciated for anything I've done thus far. It makes me feel simultaneously angry and lonely.
To me the "politeness" represents a lack of intimacy. Just to be clear, my wife is often rude (to myself and others), and mostly doesn't really care what other people think of her. When she puts that default stance on hold to be formal with how she asks something mundane of me, I can only feel like we're a million miles apart (which, for the most part, we are).
I don't think I've explained this well at all, but maybe someone knows what I'm talking about and can relate anyway. :)
I'm sure to most people my complaint sounds really weird. Isn't she just being polite? Well, no, not at all. It's typically my pleasure to do anything that I think will make life better for my wife and my family. I'm in a pretty much continuous state of trying to help make things ok for us. My wife is a control freak and is usually miserable about something or other (because nothing is ever quite right for her), but I do my best to make life good for her in the ways that I can. When she talks to me in this manner, it feels as though she is not acknowledging that I want to (and do) help - as though she is ultimately on her own and needs an exceptional favor from me.
As an example: I'm the person who cleans the house and am continuously cleaning up after her mess (she doesn't clean up after herself typically). But then, she'll use the "please do me a favor" tone and ask me to clean something specific. She asks as though walking on eggshells. However, since I always do anything and everything that is asked of me (and more!) why is she talking to me as if she has to be careful asking for a favor? Who else would clean it besides me? To me this feels like an undermining of everything I do. Instead of feeling like a partner, all of a sudden I feel like some helper who isn't appreciated for anything I've done thus far. It makes me feel simultaneously angry and lonely.
To me the "politeness" represents a lack of intimacy. Just to be clear, my wife is often rude (to myself and others), and mostly doesn't really care what other people think of her. When she puts that default stance on hold to be formal with how she asks something mundane of me, I can only feel like we're a million miles apart (which, for the most part, we are).
I don't think I've explained this well at all, but maybe someone knows what I'm talking about and can relate anyway. :)
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment