After reading several threads on the forum, I'm considering myself fairly lucky. My issues with my partner could be much more serious, but I'm still very unhappy in the relationship, and think about leaving all the time. I'm looking for a sanity check and some advice on what to do.
We have been "married" for almost 10 years, dating for a couple years prior to that, and we have a 5 year old son. Early in the relationship, our responsibilities were few and our financial worries almost non-existent, which allowed for a vast amount of time to enjoy each other's company. We have a good sex life and share the same spiritual, political, and entertainment interests, so spending stress free 'alone' time together is, for the most part, always fine.
It's in the handling of the day to day stress of jobs, the upkeep of our home, errands, planning, and raising our child that things get ugly, and as time has passed more and more of our time has to be spent on those things. I'm also unhappy with my social life as a result of our relationship. I either struggle with her anti-social behavior when socializing together, or deal with resentment for socializing on my own.
I have always believed that our goal should be to get through all the day to day responsibilities as partners and as efficiently as possible so that we can have more 'alone time' and time with family and friends. Unfortunately, I feel alone in getting to that time. She shows no interest in planning activities, keeping up a home, being social, and (to an extent) spending quality time with our son. Instead, at every moment possible the iPhone/iPad/book/mirror becomes her escape, leaving me to tend to the home, finances, planning, while trying to entertain and spend quality time with our son.
It breaks my heart that we aren't spending more quality, focused, time with our son because she only cares to escape once she gets home, and I spend most of my time around her resenting her for her behavior. I've tried throughout the years to discuss it with her, but bringing almost anything except fun, chatty conversation is a total minefield from which I rarely escape. I used to push harder on the issue, but I gave up because it almost always results in a fight. While the fights have grown milder, mostly because I give up and deescalate everything now, they used to be awful. We used to have 'date nights' once a week. Our son would stay with family overnight. Most the time it was more like 'fight night'. We would have 3, 4, 5 hours fights were I would basically get trapped in the house. If I tried to leave, she would follow me outside screaming for all the neighbors to hear. If I stayed she would follow me around screaming at me until I lost my temper and used the D word. Then she would cry inconsolably until I took the initiative to make up. There have even been several occasions were this has happened with our son at home. It makes me so sad to think about him having to hear any of that, even from the other end of the house. Yet another reason I just don't bring anything up anymore.
I want to be alone, or in a relationship that makes me happy, and I want my son. I deserve it. He deserves it. And, she deserves to be with someone whose expectations are more in line with what she is able to give in a relationship. After years of trying unsuccessfully to find a balance were we can live together happily, am I crazy to be thinking that I've been trying too long and that it is time to separate? There a many other questions I have, but whether or not I should seriously be considering separating is my first.
We have been "married" for almost 10 years, dating for a couple years prior to that, and we have a 5 year old son. Early in the relationship, our responsibilities were few and our financial worries almost non-existent, which allowed for a vast amount of time to enjoy each other's company. We have a good sex life and share the same spiritual, political, and entertainment interests, so spending stress free 'alone' time together is, for the most part, always fine.
It's in the handling of the day to day stress of jobs, the upkeep of our home, errands, planning, and raising our child that things get ugly, and as time has passed more and more of our time has to be spent on those things. I'm also unhappy with my social life as a result of our relationship. I either struggle with her anti-social behavior when socializing together, or deal with resentment for socializing on my own.
I have always believed that our goal should be to get through all the day to day responsibilities as partners and as efficiently as possible so that we can have more 'alone time' and time with family and friends. Unfortunately, I feel alone in getting to that time. She shows no interest in planning activities, keeping up a home, being social, and (to an extent) spending quality time with our son. Instead, at every moment possible the iPhone/iPad/book/mirror becomes her escape, leaving me to tend to the home, finances, planning, while trying to entertain and spend quality time with our son.
It breaks my heart that we aren't spending more quality, focused, time with our son because she only cares to escape once she gets home, and I spend most of my time around her resenting her for her behavior. I've tried throughout the years to discuss it with her, but bringing almost anything except fun, chatty conversation is a total minefield from which I rarely escape. I used to push harder on the issue, but I gave up because it almost always results in a fight. While the fights have grown milder, mostly because I give up and deescalate everything now, they used to be awful. We used to have 'date nights' once a week. Our son would stay with family overnight. Most the time it was more like 'fight night'. We would have 3, 4, 5 hours fights were I would basically get trapped in the house. If I tried to leave, she would follow me outside screaming for all the neighbors to hear. If I stayed she would follow me around screaming at me until I lost my temper and used the D word. Then she would cry inconsolably until I took the initiative to make up. There have even been several occasions were this has happened with our son at home. It makes me so sad to think about him having to hear any of that, even from the other end of the house. Yet another reason I just don't bring anything up anymore.
I want to be alone, or in a relationship that makes me happy, and I want my son. I deserve it. He deserves it. And, she deserves to be with someone whose expectations are more in line with what she is able to give in a relationship. After years of trying unsuccessfully to find a balance were we can live together happily, am I crazy to be thinking that I've been trying too long and that it is time to separate? There a many other questions I have, but whether or not I should seriously be considering separating is my first.
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