Brief background:
I am in my early 40s and wife is in late 30s. We have been married for 14 years and kids 9 and 5. We are both originally from India and living in the US for about 15 years.
We got married in India and she came here to join me. She is a very intelligent person academically but she made some wrong choices and did very poorly in college. She suffers from low self esteem. Sometime similar happened to me too, so I wanted to send her to school here in the US so she could get her confidence back. So I sent her to a school here for Masters and she did very well in it. I paid for it myself, this was around 2003. I wasn't making a whole lot then, but I didn't care about it. Then she got pregnant, and we had a child in 2004 so she decided to not look for work. That extended on and she became a SAHM. Then we had another child some years later.
I am in the software industry and the downturn caused me to lose my job once in 2004 but I got another one quickly. I have been very careful in our spending and saved enough to move into the best neighborhood in our town with good schools, something my wife gives high importance to. Until now, she had not contributed a single cent in income, but had taken care of kids and the house.
I know that deep down she wants to work, so this year I began to urge her. She wanted to do some work from home jobs, but I said go out and meet people, don't worry about expenses, we will pay for childcare. Through some friends, I enrolled her in a skills class, paid $700, bought her a new laptop for $350 and managed the kids when she was gone to class every Sat for 4 weeks. Helped her with resume, applied in many places, tried my contacts etc. In Aug she found a job through her classmate who went to the same class. I was thrilled and we celebrated.
During her SAHM years, she made some friends with other Indian ladies who do nothing but gossip and talk about money and one of them is toxic that she talks about how awesome her husband is and how he loves her and buys her stuff. Everything she claims is awesome with her life. My wife bought into it and began to compare me adversely with her husband. Men don't like being compared like that, I could have also asked her why she didn't look like some friend of hers, she would not have liked that. But I did not. The friend is still in a townhouse but we are in a single family house because I saved and her husband blew their money on cars and other things to show off. His decision.
In Oct, I lost my job at a startup company. I am looking and it's been a month and I think I will get something in 2 weeks or so. It is a difficult time for me and she is now working and I am not. She is making 50% of what I used to make and is in a temp job with no benefits. It was okay as long as I had a job but I lost mine so pressure is building on me. I was planning on getting rid of my beatup 16 year old car (I got her a nice new SUV 3 years ago) and treat myself with a BMW car but I lost my job and I don't feel like buying one when I don't have a job.
All my wife seems is imaginary negatives in me. I have taken good care of my family and put myself through hell with bad bosses, bad economy but she's never even said anything complimentary to me. It's always about how hard she works, how hard she's had it, she she she. I think she is a very selfish person and my affection for her is reducing every day. Sex is almost non existent, maybe once a month and she makes big noises about how all I care about is sex. More than that, I am sad that she doesn't respect me at all. And I don't know why.
Her father is a despicable character, sleazy and unethical. I hate this about him but I think she is used to looking up to a man like that who will bend any rules as long as his short term needs are met (long term be damned).
In their family, they have this notion of "emotional blackmail". Everyone blackmails one another. Now her dad is blackmailing his daughter (my wife) but not calling or emailing from India because he is probably looking to make her feel guilty and break her down. So now he gets the upper hand. I think she is trying the same tactics on me, which she's grown up around. Everything is manipulation and she doesn't even know it.
This morning, she had to work and work on her job from home so she got mad that I was "relaxing" when all I was doing was sitting on the couch. Then she started banging the drawers and doing crazy things. She is having her period now so she goes totally nuts and says a lot of mean hurtful things about me. I am mentally very low right now and she is making things worse.
When her PMS is over, she will want to make peace again and be friends again. Then the same cycle repeats next month.
I am in my early 40s and wife is in late 30s. We have been married for 14 years and kids 9 and 5. We are both originally from India and living in the US for about 15 years.
We got married in India and she came here to join me. She is a very intelligent person academically but she made some wrong choices and did very poorly in college. She suffers from low self esteem. Sometime similar happened to me too, so I wanted to send her to school here in the US so she could get her confidence back. So I sent her to a school here for Masters and she did very well in it. I paid for it myself, this was around 2003. I wasn't making a whole lot then, but I didn't care about it. Then she got pregnant, and we had a child in 2004 so she decided to not look for work. That extended on and she became a SAHM. Then we had another child some years later.
I am in the software industry and the downturn caused me to lose my job once in 2004 but I got another one quickly. I have been very careful in our spending and saved enough to move into the best neighborhood in our town with good schools, something my wife gives high importance to. Until now, she had not contributed a single cent in income, but had taken care of kids and the house.
I know that deep down she wants to work, so this year I began to urge her. She wanted to do some work from home jobs, but I said go out and meet people, don't worry about expenses, we will pay for childcare. Through some friends, I enrolled her in a skills class, paid $700, bought her a new laptop for $350 and managed the kids when she was gone to class every Sat for 4 weeks. Helped her with resume, applied in many places, tried my contacts etc. In Aug she found a job through her classmate who went to the same class. I was thrilled and we celebrated.
During her SAHM years, she made some friends with other Indian ladies who do nothing but gossip and talk about money and one of them is toxic that she talks about how awesome her husband is and how he loves her and buys her stuff. Everything she claims is awesome with her life. My wife bought into it and began to compare me adversely with her husband. Men don't like being compared like that, I could have also asked her why she didn't look like some friend of hers, she would not have liked that. But I did not. The friend is still in a townhouse but we are in a single family house because I saved and her husband blew their money on cars and other things to show off. His decision.
In Oct, I lost my job at a startup company. I am looking and it's been a month and I think I will get something in 2 weeks or so. It is a difficult time for me and she is now working and I am not. She is making 50% of what I used to make and is in a temp job with no benefits. It was okay as long as I had a job but I lost mine so pressure is building on me. I was planning on getting rid of my beatup 16 year old car (I got her a nice new SUV 3 years ago) and treat myself with a BMW car but I lost my job and I don't feel like buying one when I don't have a job.
All my wife seems is imaginary negatives in me. I have taken good care of my family and put myself through hell with bad bosses, bad economy but she's never even said anything complimentary to me. It's always about how hard she works, how hard she's had it, she she she. I think she is a very selfish person and my affection for her is reducing every day. Sex is almost non existent, maybe once a month and she makes big noises about how all I care about is sex. More than that, I am sad that she doesn't respect me at all. And I don't know why.
Her father is a despicable character, sleazy and unethical. I hate this about him but I think she is used to looking up to a man like that who will bend any rules as long as his short term needs are met (long term be damned).
In their family, they have this notion of "emotional blackmail". Everyone blackmails one another. Now her dad is blackmailing his daughter (my wife) but not calling or emailing from India because he is probably looking to make her feel guilty and break her down. So now he gets the upper hand. I think she is trying the same tactics on me, which she's grown up around. Everything is manipulation and she doesn't even know it.
This morning, she had to work and work on her job from home so she got mad that I was "relaxing" when all I was doing was sitting on the couch. Then she started banging the drawers and doing crazy things. She is having her period now so she goes totally nuts and says a lot of mean hurtful things about me. I am mentally very low right now and she is making things worse.
When her PMS is over, she will want to make peace again and be friends again. Then the same cycle repeats next month.
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