My husband wants divorce and it's been for 2 months since we started separation -> divorce procedures.
We are both in mid 40s. We've been married for 8 yrs and dated 8 yrs before that. No kids by mutual preference. We had some ups and downs but I have to say overall our relationships has been going downward little by little and quickly for the last couple of years.
Having 2 houses was one of the big factors affected us. In addition to the original house we started living together (which he bought before we got married) needed to a lot of work, we purchased a second house so that it was easier for him to commute to his new job. The second house was also unfinished, so we put ourselves into a lot of house remodeling work in front of us and paying 2 mortgages.
Having the 2nd house was convenient for weekdays but we still loved the original house one hour away in country so we basically we drove back and forth between two houses with our dogs, foods and laundry (because the 2nd house hadn't been set up properly for laundry). We made little progress in house remodeling, mainly my husband working by himself, but still a lot of work ahead of us. Trying to do house remodeling by ourselves or using contractor at the minimum costs was not very good idea as it ended up a lot of stress on us and see the houses still look like a pit. It didn't help us even though we did not complain about that much and we bear the minimally livable house conditions.
As he was working busy on weekdays, only thing he wanted to do was relaxing on weekends hanging out his/our friends, or do some recreational stuff. Meanwhile, I did a lot of house keeping chores, cooking, preparing for lunch, cleaning etc, but also I had a challenging full time job myself, I was exhausted and only thing I could do on weekends was just trying to relax and get ready for next week. We still did some things together having fun socializing with our common friends, going out for dinner, walking dogs together, on a weekend trip etc.
Now here is an issue shadowed over us. As I was very stressed I had a very little interest in sex because to me I needed to feel relax first to fully enjoy sex. It became a concern between us over the time as my husband felt not fulfillled and eventually not be loved. It doesn't mean I didn't want to cuddle him or touch him, but it did not lead me to sex. We have several talks about it and I told him that I wanted to be approached in the way I feel romantic, not like an sex object by grabbing me from behind while I'm working in the kitchen etc. Also I had a little satisfaction in my fulfillment as I rarely reached to an orgasm. Yes I told him not reaching an orgasm is an issue for me and this might have pressured him or made him insecure about his manhood. I probably have physically rejected him many times, but also there were many occasions he was not in the mood when I was in. Eventually I felt like I need to serve for him to satisfy his needs. After our talks the situation improved for a little while but some time later we ended up in the same situation. I think my husband felt rejected and in fact eventually he stopped initiating sex from him.
Then chaotic event happened to me 3 yrs ago, plus I became more stressed and frustrated with my work circumstances at the same time, now as I reflect what happened, I sank in a depression. I did not look at that way back then, I was functional enough to maintain my daily life but I started to notice I became more and more bitter and easily irritable with a little things, and could not be nice to other people. Then we started to have more heated arguments. Meanwhile, my husband being frustrated with his work situation, unfinished house remodeling projects plus his wife (me) not fulfilling his needs, he became depressed. I could not tell he was depressed because I was dealing with my own depression and only thing I could do was living one day at a time by what I needed to do for the day (work and chores) and he did not show much of his emotion. On the surface we were working as a couple, but underneath I was emotionally driving him away from me.
In April of this year, he brought up another serious talk saying that he had a divorce in his mind, he had been unhappy for a long time, especially not satisfied intimately. He told me that that was not easy decision for him to make, even he talked to some people who he trusts and all all agreed with him on divorce. And I believed he had had a hard time to come to this decision. Since while back I became exhaust myself with internet searching (more of study purposes) or some other things that I crams into to cope with my stress and often fell in sleep in a couch or came in bed after my husband already in a sac. It really disturbed him. He recognized that I was very good at taking care of him and house for the things need to get done, yes those were things what I was driving myself into to satisfy myself, thinking "I'm taking care of him" but the way HE wanted me to take care of him was different. He rather wanted me to come to bed when he went. He came to the point thinking w e are 2 very different individuals. He said the life is too short to be unhappy. He also said he cried. He consider himself non-confrontational and not showing much emotion, so it was a BIG DEAL for him. He even said he though he might be obsessed with sex or a sex addict. I had explanations what was going on at my side but probably they sounded more like excuses to him. And he had to go away for a while, he took a hiking trip on his own for his soul searching I guess. When I was left behind, I cried a lot until I didn't have any tears left, realizing how much I was consumed by the traumatic even happened to me 3 yrs ago and from work situation and how much I love him and I want to keep our marriage.
When he came back from his trip he looked a little refreshed and he did not trigger "divorce" yet. I've tried to improve our situation but I was too deep in my depression and could not respond very well. Further, in May, I had a serious even at my family side, and my husband quit his job in June as he did not see his frustration with his company would not go any better. I was thinking quitting my job also to make my situation better but now he quit first I thought I needed to stick to my job to support us financially. Then in July because of the even happened in my family in May, I went out of county to see my family for about 10 days. After coming back home, I suffered sleep deprivation due to jet lag for about a month, and I had a gastrointestrinal infection and some other health issues, and again our sex life paused for over 2 months.
Finally, my husband dropped the final bomb in September asking for a divorce. It hit me very hard because he was not acting like it was going to happen since our serious talk in April, still saying he loved me and in fact picking up more house chores so that I could relax, and trying to set up doing some things I would like to do, but I could not give him what he wanted for return, simply giving him intimacy! HOW FOOL I WAS! He said he still loved me and I am a person with a good heart, a good quality woman, and physically attractive, being loved by his family and our group of friends but he had fell out of love and could not continue being unhappy. He even said it was not me but it was him. It sounded like he is in a mid-life crisis a little bit. Also he wants to do whatever he wants to do without someone else saying anything about it. He himself has changed over the course of our marriage in a better way. He was more insecure at early stage of our relationship but he became more confident with himself mainly from his successful performance at his work. So now he believes in more what he is capable of and he realized that the confidence he displays attract women also. He wants freedom. I, or me under the condition of serious depression, became a source of his depression and an obstacle preventing him from living happy, loved, fulfilled and free. He wants to move on to new chapter of his life leaving his unhappy marriage life behind. He is making himself busy with a big to do list of his: making some money working with his friend, helping his parents who just bought a house (another remodeling project), and trying to move forward in divorce from me by completing remodeling our 2nd house so that I can comfortably live there until we sell this house and we will be debt free as a couple.
He is a good person at his heart, very nice to our friends and his and my families, though in some cases I felt he prioritized them over me, which made me frustrated. Though he also has very particular, and peculiar, characteristics and not perfect in every way, I dearly love him who he is and we have a lot in common in our lifestyles, interests and what we like. I made the commitment to him because I thought we could age together. Yes, lifetime commitment. I'm really struggling now, on one hand I'm trying to respect his decision because ultimately I think our marriage is going towards a divorce is mostly as a result of my failure to respond to his needs. He did not actively try to help with getting me out from depression directly, but I saw he made some changes in his behavior for something I complained in the past. I have to give him a credit for it. It was me who could not make changes in my behavior. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID ME!!! But on the other hand, without the depress ion we have been both in, the things could have been different. I know I'm in "what if's" phase but we are recognizing our good traits of each other knowing we are both good people. I think people can work on their differences when they are in a healthy mental state. How can we achieve in a healthy mental state? Remove stress source or learn how to handle them. I feel I'm being selfish still deeply emotionally attached to him. I'm hitting the bottom very hard, already had several melt down moments, heart broken, biting myself with sense of guilt, regrets, loss, failure and anger to myself. I'm crying for HELP!!!
In any cases, I'm moving my stuff from our original house, where he is going to live, into 2nd house, where I'm going to live for a while. This is a very hard task to do, not physically but emotionally, probably many of you have experienced. Some sentimental items I find make me drop on the floor and cry for a while. I'm realizing what I'm going to loose is HUGE and I have to pay for this for not realizing a little mistake in my action resulted in a huge mistake. I regret, regret, regret... I want to rewind our time to do it again without making this mistake. Of course, I know I cannot rewind our time back. We still in contact and have seen each other since his declare of divorce/separation. At first he slept in a separate bed but I think I was the one who first slipped into the other party's bed. We slept in the same bed for a while, even cuddling or kissing. He is still being nice to me even bought me a gift because when he went to a store it reminded me of. I said "you bou ght me a gift when you are trying to divorce me?" I know I said the wrong thing but his action confused me. He even still referring as "us" when we talk about our future down-the-road house project. So I also did some stupid things to get close to him, stepping inside the boundary of separation, being disrespectful of his decision. Most of time I'm trying to be friendly and treat him nicely but when he feels I got too close to him emotionally, he tries to push me away. I think I'm doing anything but driving him away from me. I cried a lot in front of him many times, showed intimacy to him even in front of other people, asked for reasoning, his whereabout when I could not reach of him, asked for a possibility of separation under the same roof because being alone in an empty feeling house has been unbearable to me especially at night. I feel completely alone, away from him, our friends... I did a lot more stupid things I shouldn't have done. For the next couple of days after he dropped the bomb, I turned into sex craze mood. I guess my mental string snapped. I know he doesn't want any of these my behaviors because I believe he is trying to be strong to follow through his decision even if it will make his stbx (me) --who he knows she genuinely have a good soul, was once in love with and still cares about, lived his life together last 16 yrs --into the saddest turmoil in her life. Seeing me struggling is last thing he wants to see. He refused the under-the-same-roof option, he said because he cannot focus on what he is trying to work on, me being around him is distraction for him. He doesn't want me to do any chores for him. Anything nice I do for him seem irritate him. I can tell when he is not comfortable from his body language, and when he is irritated from the tone of his voice. He wants his PRIVACY. He is trying to make a transition from living with someone to living by himself.
I know I really should focus on not doing anything stimulates him in negative ways. So now I'm trying to focus on our 2nd house remodeling project to sell this house, because in any cases this has to be accomplished for us to be debt free. I'm implementing some strategies to reduce tensions between us since we will still have some contact to work on this project together. Also I started seeing counseling for a severe depression.
This is a rather long post, but bear with me, it became like a journal entry for me putting things into words, trying to my thoughts clear. I'm still going back and forth between positives and negatives, past-current-future, and ultimately battling to let the person of my love go to be respectful of him and wanting him to be happier while wondering if we could build a healthy relationship when both of us heal. Maybe the latter is my selfish hope. I wish we have had great sex life together. Now in this turmoil, I start trembling for lust when I hold his hands or touch him in any ways. Again, it's not what he wants now at this stage. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm COMPLETELY LOST!
We are both in mid 40s. We've been married for 8 yrs and dated 8 yrs before that. No kids by mutual preference. We had some ups and downs but I have to say overall our relationships has been going downward little by little and quickly for the last couple of years.
Having 2 houses was one of the big factors affected us. In addition to the original house we started living together (which he bought before we got married) needed to a lot of work, we purchased a second house so that it was easier for him to commute to his new job. The second house was also unfinished, so we put ourselves into a lot of house remodeling work in front of us and paying 2 mortgages.
Having the 2nd house was convenient for weekdays but we still loved the original house one hour away in country so we basically we drove back and forth between two houses with our dogs, foods and laundry (because the 2nd house hadn't been set up properly for laundry). We made little progress in house remodeling, mainly my husband working by himself, but still a lot of work ahead of us. Trying to do house remodeling by ourselves or using contractor at the minimum costs was not very good idea as it ended up a lot of stress on us and see the houses still look like a pit. It didn't help us even though we did not complain about that much and we bear the minimally livable house conditions.
As he was working busy on weekdays, only thing he wanted to do was relaxing on weekends hanging out his/our friends, or do some recreational stuff. Meanwhile, I did a lot of house keeping chores, cooking, preparing for lunch, cleaning etc, but also I had a challenging full time job myself, I was exhausted and only thing I could do on weekends was just trying to relax and get ready for next week. We still did some things together having fun socializing with our common friends, going out for dinner, walking dogs together, on a weekend trip etc.
Now here is an issue shadowed over us. As I was very stressed I had a very little interest in sex because to me I needed to feel relax first to fully enjoy sex. It became a concern between us over the time as my husband felt not fulfillled and eventually not be loved. It doesn't mean I didn't want to cuddle him or touch him, but it did not lead me to sex. We have several talks about it and I told him that I wanted to be approached in the way I feel romantic, not like an sex object by grabbing me from behind while I'm working in the kitchen etc. Also I had a little satisfaction in my fulfillment as I rarely reached to an orgasm. Yes I told him not reaching an orgasm is an issue for me and this might have pressured him or made him insecure about his manhood. I probably have physically rejected him many times, but also there were many occasions he was not in the mood when I was in. Eventually I felt like I need to serve for him to satisfy his needs. After our talks the situation improved for a little while but some time later we ended up in the same situation. I think my husband felt rejected and in fact eventually he stopped initiating sex from him.
Then chaotic event happened to me 3 yrs ago, plus I became more stressed and frustrated with my work circumstances at the same time, now as I reflect what happened, I sank in a depression. I did not look at that way back then, I was functional enough to maintain my daily life but I started to notice I became more and more bitter and easily irritable with a little things, and could not be nice to other people. Then we started to have more heated arguments. Meanwhile, my husband being frustrated with his work situation, unfinished house remodeling projects plus his wife (me) not fulfilling his needs, he became depressed. I could not tell he was depressed because I was dealing with my own depression and only thing I could do was living one day at a time by what I needed to do for the day (work and chores) and he did not show much of his emotion. On the surface we were working as a couple, but underneath I was emotionally driving him away from me.
In April of this year, he brought up another serious talk saying that he had a divorce in his mind, he had been unhappy for a long time, especially not satisfied intimately. He told me that that was not easy decision for him to make, even he talked to some people who he trusts and all all agreed with him on divorce. And I believed he had had a hard time to come to this decision. Since while back I became exhaust myself with internet searching (more of study purposes) or some other things that I crams into to cope with my stress and often fell in sleep in a couch or came in bed after my husband already in a sac. It really disturbed him. He recognized that I was very good at taking care of him and house for the things need to get done, yes those were things what I was driving myself into to satisfy myself, thinking "I'm taking care of him" but the way HE wanted me to take care of him was different. He rather wanted me to come to bed when he went. He came to the point thinking w e are 2 very different individuals. He said the life is too short to be unhappy. He also said he cried. He consider himself non-confrontational and not showing much emotion, so it was a BIG DEAL for him. He even said he though he might be obsessed with sex or a sex addict. I had explanations what was going on at my side but probably they sounded more like excuses to him. And he had to go away for a while, he took a hiking trip on his own for his soul searching I guess. When I was left behind, I cried a lot until I didn't have any tears left, realizing how much I was consumed by the traumatic even happened to me 3 yrs ago and from work situation and how much I love him and I want to keep our marriage.
When he came back from his trip he looked a little refreshed and he did not trigger "divorce" yet. I've tried to improve our situation but I was too deep in my depression and could not respond very well. Further, in May, I had a serious even at my family side, and my husband quit his job in June as he did not see his frustration with his company would not go any better. I was thinking quitting my job also to make my situation better but now he quit first I thought I needed to stick to my job to support us financially. Then in July because of the even happened in my family in May, I went out of county to see my family for about 10 days. After coming back home, I suffered sleep deprivation due to jet lag for about a month, and I had a gastrointestrinal infection and some other health issues, and again our sex life paused for over 2 months.
Finally, my husband dropped the final bomb in September asking for a divorce. It hit me very hard because he was not acting like it was going to happen since our serious talk in April, still saying he loved me and in fact picking up more house chores so that I could relax, and trying to set up doing some things I would like to do, but I could not give him what he wanted for return, simply giving him intimacy! HOW FOOL I WAS! He said he still loved me and I am a person with a good heart, a good quality woman, and physically attractive, being loved by his family and our group of friends but he had fell out of love and could not continue being unhappy. He even said it was not me but it was him. It sounded like he is in a mid-life crisis a little bit. Also he wants to do whatever he wants to do without someone else saying anything about it. He himself has changed over the course of our marriage in a better way. He was more insecure at early stage of our relationship but he became more confident with himself mainly from his successful performance at his work. So now he believes in more what he is capable of and he realized that the confidence he displays attract women also. He wants freedom. I, or me under the condition of serious depression, became a source of his depression and an obstacle preventing him from living happy, loved, fulfilled and free. He wants to move on to new chapter of his life leaving his unhappy marriage life behind. He is making himself busy with a big to do list of his: making some money working with his friend, helping his parents who just bought a house (another remodeling project), and trying to move forward in divorce from me by completing remodeling our 2nd house so that I can comfortably live there until we sell this house and we will be debt free as a couple.
He is a good person at his heart, very nice to our friends and his and my families, though in some cases I felt he prioritized them over me, which made me frustrated. Though he also has very particular, and peculiar, characteristics and not perfect in every way, I dearly love him who he is and we have a lot in common in our lifestyles, interests and what we like. I made the commitment to him because I thought we could age together. Yes, lifetime commitment. I'm really struggling now, on one hand I'm trying to respect his decision because ultimately I think our marriage is going towards a divorce is mostly as a result of my failure to respond to his needs. He did not actively try to help with getting me out from depression directly, but I saw he made some changes in his behavior for something I complained in the past. I have to give him a credit for it. It was me who could not make changes in my behavior. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID ME!!! But on the other hand, without the depress ion we have been both in, the things could have been different. I know I'm in "what if's" phase but we are recognizing our good traits of each other knowing we are both good people. I think people can work on their differences when they are in a healthy mental state. How can we achieve in a healthy mental state? Remove stress source or learn how to handle them. I feel I'm being selfish still deeply emotionally attached to him. I'm hitting the bottom very hard, already had several melt down moments, heart broken, biting myself with sense of guilt, regrets, loss, failure and anger to myself. I'm crying for HELP!!!
In any cases, I'm moving my stuff from our original house, where he is going to live, into 2nd house, where I'm going to live for a while. This is a very hard task to do, not physically but emotionally, probably many of you have experienced. Some sentimental items I find make me drop on the floor and cry for a while. I'm realizing what I'm going to loose is HUGE and I have to pay for this for not realizing a little mistake in my action resulted in a huge mistake. I regret, regret, regret... I want to rewind our time to do it again without making this mistake. Of course, I know I cannot rewind our time back. We still in contact and have seen each other since his declare of divorce/separation. At first he slept in a separate bed but I think I was the one who first slipped into the other party's bed. We slept in the same bed for a while, even cuddling or kissing. He is still being nice to me even bought me a gift because when he went to a store it reminded me of. I said "you bou ght me a gift when you are trying to divorce me?" I know I said the wrong thing but his action confused me. He even still referring as "us" when we talk about our future down-the-road house project. So I also did some stupid things to get close to him, stepping inside the boundary of separation, being disrespectful of his decision. Most of time I'm trying to be friendly and treat him nicely but when he feels I got too close to him emotionally, he tries to push me away. I think I'm doing anything but driving him away from me. I cried a lot in front of him many times, showed intimacy to him even in front of other people, asked for reasoning, his whereabout when I could not reach of him, asked for a possibility of separation under the same roof because being alone in an empty feeling house has been unbearable to me especially at night. I feel completely alone, away from him, our friends... I did a lot more stupid things I shouldn't have done. For the next couple of days after he dropped the bomb, I turned into sex craze mood. I guess my mental string snapped. I know he doesn't want any of these my behaviors because I believe he is trying to be strong to follow through his decision even if it will make his stbx (me) --who he knows she genuinely have a good soul, was once in love with and still cares about, lived his life together last 16 yrs --into the saddest turmoil in her life. Seeing me struggling is last thing he wants to see. He refused the under-the-same-roof option, he said because he cannot focus on what he is trying to work on, me being around him is distraction for him. He doesn't want me to do any chores for him. Anything nice I do for him seem irritate him. I can tell when he is not comfortable from his body language, and when he is irritated from the tone of his voice. He wants his PRIVACY. He is trying to make a transition from living with someone to living by himself.
I know I really should focus on not doing anything stimulates him in negative ways. So now I'm trying to focus on our 2nd house remodeling project to sell this house, because in any cases this has to be accomplished for us to be debt free. I'm implementing some strategies to reduce tensions between us since we will still have some contact to work on this project together. Also I started seeing counseling for a severe depression.
This is a rather long post, but bear with me, it became like a journal entry for me putting things into words, trying to my thoughts clear. I'm still going back and forth between positives and negatives, past-current-future, and ultimately battling to let the person of my love go to be respectful of him and wanting him to be happier while wondering if we could build a healthy relationship when both of us heal. Maybe the latter is my selfish hope. I wish we have had great sex life together. Now in this turmoil, I start trembling for lust when I hold his hands or touch him in any ways. Again, it's not what he wants now at this stage. I don't know what is going on with me. I'm COMPLETELY LOST!
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment