Apologies if this is in the wrong forum - it fits a variety of them and I needed to be anonymous. It generally pertains to relationships so it is, at least somewhat, relevant.
I'm a 23 year old graduate currently living abroad and have dealt with bi-polar depressive symptoms since the age of about 16.
Ultimately, my sadness and unrest comes from how alone I am and how I've never managed to be in a long-term relationship.
There are a few reasons as to why I haven't managed this. First, and I think most prominently, I have a small penis (not micro but just shy of five inches erect) and it absolutely destroys the way I look at sexual encounters. I've declined sex from various women over the years because I am simply too ashamed for them to see it and, despite having had the opportunity plenty of times, I think (there are grey, drunken areas) I remain a virgin.
As a result, every time I ask a girl out I'm looking for somebody who intrinsically interested in me enough otherwise to forgo the small package. Despite having had weight problems for as long as I can remember, my body image and general appearance weigh very heavily in my sense of self-worth as do the various skills I have. Every part of me screams to justify myself enough to myself so that I can feel comfortable dating and being with others. I'm also beginning to go bald, it seems, and my hair is quite a prominent part of my visual identity (so that's cool).
It strikes me that a lot of what triggers modern relationships are casual encounters, sexual-tension, "electricity" and other such things. And as much as I think I would be a sexual person, the whole thing now scares me a lot more than it does excite me.
And, honestly, inserting my penis into a vagina is a line I genuinely regard as arbitrary given that I've been as close to a woman as it's otherwise possible to me. Achieving the sex act doesn't bother me anywhere nearly as much as the idea of being alone for many more years.
Really all I want is somebody to love and share my life with. As insincere and trite as that may sound, I know for a fact that it is what would make me genuinely happy.
I don't even know what the question is here. There are too many, I guess. So I offer this somewhat pathetic story in the hopes that I can just gather some advice on the best way to proceed.
If you've read this all, thank you ever so much.
Put the internet to work for you.
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