I've lost myself and I don't know who I am anymore. I thought that I was a nice warm kind hearted person but I'm starting to believe that I'm a horrible grumpy person.
I've been with my husband for a little over 5 years now. We have a beautiful 3.5 year old daughter together and life couldn't be better ... Or so I thought.
When our daughter was first born our sex life slowed down. I expected that. I knew our daughter was going to take up a lot of our time and alone time might not be as often as I'd hope. I was completely okay with that. We still showed affection towards each other and we did have sex often enough to keep us both happy. Then about a year ago we slowed down ... A couple times a month. I was starting to question what was going on but thought I should just leave it alone, we'd realize that we missed each other and things would be fine. Well no. Not fine. About 4 months ago sex stopped all together. I then had enough and I asked why. He told me that because i mentioned to him one evening that I KINDA wanted to have another baby he was freaked out and worried that I would trick him into having another one. He then told me that there was no way he wants another one. My heart broke. My husband. The man I love with all my heart, thinks that I'd trick him into another pregnancy and child ? Never in a million kazillion years would I do that. I'm not that kind of person. At the beginning of our relationship we both thought children were out of the question due to medical reasons and I was completely okay with that. I just wanted to have a happy life with him. Our daughter is the best blessing I could ever imagine and if he doesn't want another child I'm okay with that.
Time marched on. My heart still aches by the pain I felt but I thought I should move forward and I could still have the happy life with my husband and daughter that I wanted. Fast forward to month ago. We had sex maybe once, twice if I'm lucky within the last 3 months. I finally started asking for it. I'm lonely. I miss him. I miss his touch. His love that would ooze when we'd be together. He dropped a bomb that I didn't see coming. He said that the real reason why he didn't want sex with me anymore was because he'd watched our daughters birth and now whenever he thinks of my vagina he sees her head coming out. I didn't know what to think or do. To be quite honest, I think I did nothing because I was almost dumbfounded. I was starting to think that this was a cover. That he's hiding something.
Well, this past Monday we got into a HUGE fight. I mean huge, he actually said 'f*** you' to me. He said that one of his friends told him that he should go see a doctor about his issue about seeing our daughters birth when he thinks about me. I told him he should and he said that it'll never happen. He's not going to talk to anyone. He told me that I'm a very selfish person. All I care about is myself and my needs and wants. I never care about anyone else. That night I went online and found out what our health benefits covered. We're lucky, in that they will cover 12 sessions with any sort of councilor/psychologist/psychiatrist for free. Awesome I thought. I will go see a doctor and get myself help because now I'm thinking there's something wrong with me. When I told him what I'd found his reaction was 'let me know when you're first session is as I'll be contacting a realtor and the house is going up'. I was floored. I said 'you'd really leave me if I sought help for myself. I'm not trying to force or trick you into coming. It's for me. I think I might have issues within myself and I want to fix them for us. For our relationship'. It didn't matter. He was hell bent on a strict no. The next day I went onto facebook. He's always allowed me to use his because he said he never had anything to hide and I've never made one of my own. Gosh, how I wish facebook never existed. In one night, he went and liked and became a member of 10 different naked women pages. He knows how I feel about them. I think they're degrading, disrespectful and completely inappropriate for any man in a relationship. My heart is shattered. I didn't say anything and kept quite. He came home from work Wednesday evening and crawled into bed (he works late nights) wanting sex. I was half asleep and I thought 'wow, where this coming from?' But I happily took part. It has been 4 months since we last were together. Yesterday came and went and I was back on fb only to find that he's now commenting on some of these naked pictures. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I asked him why he's looking at those pages and his reply 'I didn't hear you complaining last night'. I stopped talking and walked away. Was the only reason why he came to bed looking for sex was because he was just up late looking at the pics of other naked woman and I'd do the trick?
This morning I thought long and hard about myself. What is wrong with me? Why does he not want me anymore? Why does he seem to look at me in disgust? So I decided that I'm changing myself. I've got to find the old me again. I've ready made a healthier lifestyle change a few weeks ago, thinking that he thinks I'm just fat and ugly. That's why he's lost interest. I went to talk to him this morning. To tell him how I felt. That he's hurting me with these recent actions and I'm scared I'm loosing him. I told him that I'm going to fight hard and fierce to save us. He just sat on the couch looking anywhere but at me. When he did look at me, I could see the hate. When I told him that I was scared and I didn't know what to do to fix us, again I was told I was being selfish. I'm always concerned about poor little old me. I tried to stand up to him. I told him, 'yes! This is about me right now. I'm loosing you and I don't know what I have to do to get you back'. He didn't care. He neve r once took a step back to try and help me fix us. Instead he said 'f*** you' 4 more time to me. I've never once been so disrespectful to him and said those hateful words. That is until the fourth one came out of his mouth. I screamed it at him. I asked him how he felt. He didn't care. He got up and said 'and you wonder why we have problems'. I started to hyperventilate and ended up in the floor seeing stars. He just stood there 'do I need to call an ambulance? Hello!? Would you answer me?' I finally calmed myself down but he didn't do anything. He didn't care. He put everything on me. Every problem we have is all my fault. He's the victim in all of this. Never once did he say to me, 'it's not just you. I'm to partially blame as well'.
Now I'm starting to believe him. It is all my fault that our relationship is falling apart. It's all my fault that we're having the problems we're having. I shouldn't blame him for any of this. If I take all the blame then maybe, just maybe, we can fix our broken relationship.
I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I love a man that doesn't seem to love me back. When I told him that I feel like he may love me because I'm the mother of his child but I don't feel like he's in love with me, he asked how anyone could ever be in love with a person like me and my attitude.
I don't want to leave him. Like I've said, I love him. He means more to me then he'll ever know. I don't want my daughter to grow up in a broken home like my husband did. When I told him that one he pointed at me and said, 'I'm not the one leaving. If you leave that's your choice but you'll have to live with being the home wrecker. You'll be the one that broke our family apart'.
Maybes he right. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I should just drop all of this and let him do his thing. He'll come around, right? One day ...
I've been with my husband for a little over 5 years now. We have a beautiful 3.5 year old daughter together and life couldn't be better ... Or so I thought.
When our daughter was first born our sex life slowed down. I expected that. I knew our daughter was going to take up a lot of our time and alone time might not be as often as I'd hope. I was completely okay with that. We still showed affection towards each other and we did have sex often enough to keep us both happy. Then about a year ago we slowed down ... A couple times a month. I was starting to question what was going on but thought I should just leave it alone, we'd realize that we missed each other and things would be fine. Well no. Not fine. About 4 months ago sex stopped all together. I then had enough and I asked why. He told me that because i mentioned to him one evening that I KINDA wanted to have another baby he was freaked out and worried that I would trick him into having another one. He then told me that there was no way he wants another one. My heart broke. My husband. The man I love with all my heart, thinks that I'd trick him into another pregnancy and child ? Never in a million kazillion years would I do that. I'm not that kind of person. At the beginning of our relationship we both thought children were out of the question due to medical reasons and I was completely okay with that. I just wanted to have a happy life with him. Our daughter is the best blessing I could ever imagine and if he doesn't want another child I'm okay with that.
Time marched on. My heart still aches by the pain I felt but I thought I should move forward and I could still have the happy life with my husband and daughter that I wanted. Fast forward to month ago. We had sex maybe once, twice if I'm lucky within the last 3 months. I finally started asking for it. I'm lonely. I miss him. I miss his touch. His love that would ooze when we'd be together. He dropped a bomb that I didn't see coming. He said that the real reason why he didn't want sex with me anymore was because he'd watched our daughters birth and now whenever he thinks of my vagina he sees her head coming out. I didn't know what to think or do. To be quite honest, I think I did nothing because I was almost dumbfounded. I was starting to think that this was a cover. That he's hiding something.
Well, this past Monday we got into a HUGE fight. I mean huge, he actually said 'f*** you' to me. He said that one of his friends told him that he should go see a doctor about his issue about seeing our daughters birth when he thinks about me. I told him he should and he said that it'll never happen. He's not going to talk to anyone. He told me that I'm a very selfish person. All I care about is myself and my needs and wants. I never care about anyone else. That night I went online and found out what our health benefits covered. We're lucky, in that they will cover 12 sessions with any sort of councilor/psychologist/psychiatrist for free. Awesome I thought. I will go see a doctor and get myself help because now I'm thinking there's something wrong with me. When I told him what I'd found his reaction was 'let me know when you're first session is as I'll be contacting a realtor and the house is going up'. I was floored. I said 'you'd really leave me if I sought help for myself. I'm not trying to force or trick you into coming. It's for me. I think I might have issues within myself and I want to fix them for us. For our relationship'. It didn't matter. He was hell bent on a strict no. The next day I went onto facebook. He's always allowed me to use his because he said he never had anything to hide and I've never made one of my own. Gosh, how I wish facebook never existed. In one night, he went and liked and became a member of 10 different naked women pages. He knows how I feel about them. I think they're degrading, disrespectful and completely inappropriate for any man in a relationship. My heart is shattered. I didn't say anything and kept quite. He came home from work Wednesday evening and crawled into bed (he works late nights) wanting sex. I was half asleep and I thought 'wow, where this coming from?' But I happily took part. It has been 4 months since we last were together. Yesterday came and went and I was back on fb only to find that he's now commenting on some of these naked pictures. I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I asked him why he's looking at those pages and his reply 'I didn't hear you complaining last night'. I stopped talking and walked away. Was the only reason why he came to bed looking for sex was because he was just up late looking at the pics of other naked woman and I'd do the trick?
This morning I thought long and hard about myself. What is wrong with me? Why does he not want me anymore? Why does he seem to look at me in disgust? So I decided that I'm changing myself. I've got to find the old me again. I've ready made a healthier lifestyle change a few weeks ago, thinking that he thinks I'm just fat and ugly. That's why he's lost interest. I went to talk to him this morning. To tell him how I felt. That he's hurting me with these recent actions and I'm scared I'm loosing him. I told him that I'm going to fight hard and fierce to save us. He just sat on the couch looking anywhere but at me. When he did look at me, I could see the hate. When I told him that I was scared and I didn't know what to do to fix us, again I was told I was being selfish. I'm always concerned about poor little old me. I tried to stand up to him. I told him, 'yes! This is about me right now. I'm loosing you and I don't know what I have to do to get you back'. He didn't care. He neve r once took a step back to try and help me fix us. Instead he said 'f*** you' 4 more time to me. I've never once been so disrespectful to him and said those hateful words. That is until the fourth one came out of his mouth. I screamed it at him. I asked him how he felt. He didn't care. He got up and said 'and you wonder why we have problems'. I started to hyperventilate and ended up in the floor seeing stars. He just stood there 'do I need to call an ambulance? Hello!? Would you answer me?' I finally calmed myself down but he didn't do anything. He didn't care. He put everything on me. Every problem we have is all my fault. He's the victim in all of this. Never once did he say to me, 'it's not just you. I'm to partially blame as well'.
Now I'm starting to believe him. It is all my fault that our relationship is falling apart. It's all my fault that we're having the problems we're having. I shouldn't blame him for any of this. If I take all the blame then maybe, just maybe, we can fix our broken relationship.
I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I love a man that doesn't seem to love me back. When I told him that I feel like he may love me because I'm the mother of his child but I don't feel like he's in love with me, he asked how anyone could ever be in love with a person like me and my attitude.
I don't want to leave him. Like I've said, I love him. He means more to me then he'll ever know. I don't want my daughter to grow up in a broken home like my husband did. When I told him that one he pointed at me and said, 'I'm not the one leaving. If you leave that's your choice but you'll have to live with being the home wrecker. You'll be the one that broke our family apart'.
Maybes he right. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I should just drop all of this and let him do his thing. He'll come around, right? One day ...
Put the internet to work for you.
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