My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and we have a 3 year old child. DH has never been the most motivated and I have been the main breadwinner and source of financial support since we moved in together six months before we got married. Our relationship was good, he used to be caring, and attentive and very supportive of my career and our goals as a couple.
I always knew he had some emotional issues that stemmed from an abusive and traumatizing childhood. Other than the inability to keep a full time job or get along well in large social situations, things were pretty normal. We settled into our routine and and life was ok. As soon as I had baby things started going downhill. DH would give me guilt trips all of the time because he had to be home with the baby part time while I worked fulltime. Why get full time daycare when he was home most of the time and perfectly capable?
We moved to be closer to my job two years ago. Since then it has been a long spiraling mess of argument after argument, guilt, manipulation, and just the straight out death of our marriage. His PTSD symptoms started coming on full force. Where he couldn't keep a fulltime job before, he couldn't even keep a part time one. I was constantly being blamed for his unhapiness, told that I just don't understand and don't care about his feelings.
About 9 months ago, he started getting horrible physical symptoms of something --seizure like jerking, pain in his legs, bad headaches etc. He had always been one to have something medically wrong with him all of the time (a bit of a hypochondriac I suppose), but this was different. Turns out he was found to have an autoimmune disorder that attacks the nerve cells in his muscles. We had to move an hour away to move in with my parents.
Since moving (I was still able to keep my job THANK GOD), things have just gotten unbearable. He does NOTHING all day but plays video games or sleeps. He has refused to seek mental health treatment and he has no medical treatment for his condition right now because 1.) He has been labled a drug seeker because he bounces around between doctors and no one in our local health system will see him 2.) He can't seem to get off of his butt to be an advocate for himself. So now he just sits around sad and obesseses over his condition. I have to have our child in daycare full time because he refuses to keep him home with him for a myriad of reasons. He tries to pick fights with me in front of the kiddo (even when we're in the car and we have no escape). He has embarrassed me in public and has something close to an anxiety attack if I have to go on a trip for work for a couple of days. Mind you, his issues always seem to become magnified if I am doing something that resembles a benefit to myself and my wellbeing (I'm called selfish).
Now, he's on SSDI, has a very tiny income he is bringing in and pretty much squanders it all on video games and whatever else he wants at that very moment.
Mind you, I am still here working, being primary caretaker of our child, trying to save money and keep some sense of stability and sanity in our family. I have no idea if his issues really stem from the physical or if they are just mainly emotional/mental. On the plus side, he has sought out mental health treatment from a local non-profit that is VERY expensive because we don't qualify for assistance. They are so backed up though, who knows when he will be able to get in for even an initial therapy session. I have unfortunately disengaged from our relationship, but I can't quite bring myself to put it to bed and file for separation/divorce. He has no local family, very few friends, and I really don't know where he would go. I feel like a horrible wife and mother for a.) letting it get this far and b.) abandoning my husband as he goes through whatever this is. I've seen a therapist, we've tried marriage counselling and he's just more interested in talking about who's to blame for all of the issues instead of actually working them out.
I've lost my patience, I'm getting exhausted and I've started resenting him. I know this cannot be a healthy way for all of us and our child to live. I just don't know where to start in making some much needed changes...
I always knew he had some emotional issues that stemmed from an abusive and traumatizing childhood. Other than the inability to keep a full time job or get along well in large social situations, things were pretty normal. We settled into our routine and and life was ok. As soon as I had baby things started going downhill. DH would give me guilt trips all of the time because he had to be home with the baby part time while I worked fulltime. Why get full time daycare when he was home most of the time and perfectly capable?
We moved to be closer to my job two years ago. Since then it has been a long spiraling mess of argument after argument, guilt, manipulation, and just the straight out death of our marriage. His PTSD symptoms started coming on full force. Where he couldn't keep a fulltime job before, he couldn't even keep a part time one. I was constantly being blamed for his unhapiness, told that I just don't understand and don't care about his feelings.
About 9 months ago, he started getting horrible physical symptoms of something --seizure like jerking, pain in his legs, bad headaches etc. He had always been one to have something medically wrong with him all of the time (a bit of a hypochondriac I suppose), but this was different. Turns out he was found to have an autoimmune disorder that attacks the nerve cells in his muscles. We had to move an hour away to move in with my parents.
Since moving (I was still able to keep my job THANK GOD), things have just gotten unbearable. He does NOTHING all day but plays video games or sleeps. He has refused to seek mental health treatment and he has no medical treatment for his condition right now because 1.) He has been labled a drug seeker because he bounces around between doctors and no one in our local health system will see him 2.) He can't seem to get off of his butt to be an advocate for himself. So now he just sits around sad and obesseses over his condition. I have to have our child in daycare full time because he refuses to keep him home with him for a myriad of reasons. He tries to pick fights with me in front of the kiddo (even when we're in the car and we have no escape). He has embarrassed me in public and has something close to an anxiety attack if I have to go on a trip for work for a couple of days. Mind you, his issues always seem to become magnified if I am doing something that resembles a benefit to myself and my wellbeing (I'm called selfish).
Now, he's on SSDI, has a very tiny income he is bringing in and pretty much squanders it all on video games and whatever else he wants at that very moment.
Mind you, I am still here working, being primary caretaker of our child, trying to save money and keep some sense of stability and sanity in our family. I have no idea if his issues really stem from the physical or if they are just mainly emotional/mental. On the plus side, he has sought out mental health treatment from a local non-profit that is VERY expensive because we don't qualify for assistance. They are so backed up though, who knows when he will be able to get in for even an initial therapy session. I have unfortunately disengaged from our relationship, but I can't quite bring myself to put it to bed and file for separation/divorce. He has no local family, very few friends, and I really don't know where he would go. I feel like a horrible wife and mother for a.) letting it get this far and b.) abandoning my husband as he goes through whatever this is. I've seen a therapist, we've tried marriage counselling and he's just more interested in talking about who's to blame for all of the issues instead of actually working them out.
I've lost my patience, I'm getting exhausted and I've started resenting him. I know this cannot be a healthy way for all of us and our child to live. I just don't know where to start in making some much needed changes...
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