I'll likely make this longer than I intend, so sorry in advance.
I'll start by saying this: I feel that my marriage has been hanging by a thread for the last 4 months.
That said, here's the background. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years and married for almost 5 years. We have 1 child, a 2 year old daughter. I will admit that I was not the ideal spouse. I would grumble whenever she wanted me to do chores, but I would do them, though sometimes after my wife expected them to be done. I gradually started staying up late, usually just reading books or watching TV and then get up later than her as well. Mostly small things that when she brought them to my attention, I'd be better about them for a while and then slowly slip back into my old habits. We were both still happy, but there were those small issues.
When my wife became pregnant, it felt to me like we became closer and more distant at the same time. I know that sounds odd. I feel like we were more distant, because we were not intimate with each other from the 2nd month of her pregnancy until my daughter was 6 months old (~15 months), due to my wife's lack of energy when pregnant and interest in anything but our daughter after giving birth. On top of that, she was so tired that she started going to bed extra early, but was unable to sleep any longer than usual so was getting up earlier than usual. I helped around the house, set up and prepare for the baby, went to all the appointments, so I felt we were closer emotionally, but there was just no physical connection anymore.
My wife was throwing all of her energy into our daughter. I felt pushed aside, but figured that was normal for the first year. I started to focus more on work and looking for a new job since we planned to have more kids and we were already stretched a little thin. We did become intimate on rare occasions, but nowhere near as frequently as before, which once again, I expected considering out daughter. Around the time of our daughter's first birthday, we started trying to have a second child, but without success. Our efforts continued for about 5 months, up until about 1 month prior to "the conversation".
4 months ago, my wife looked tired and upset and I asked her what was wrong. She wouldn't answer at first, but finally told me that she didn't think she was in love with me anymore and whether she wanted to stay in our marriage. I was totally shocked. She said that after she became pregnant, it felt like I pulled away from her. She went into all the times I've been lazy, apathetic about something she thought was important, when she thought I was rude to her, or how little interest she thought I had in our daughter (even though almost every time I tried to help with our daughter my wife told me that she wanted to do it). I tried to ask her if there was anything I could do to fix things and she would only say that she doesn't know. She asked for time to think about us.
I spent the next 5 weeks writing her letters, poems, changing my bad habits completely (going to sleep early, getting up early, found a new job, was more thoughtful about how I talked to her, stopped thinking that my wife was mad at me for taking her time with our daughter and took a much more active role with our daughter, more active around the house with chores, more proactive about things, trying to do the things I should have done before if I hadn't been in such a lazy rut). Every time I tried to talk about "us", she would clam up. After 5 weeks, she told me that she still didn't feel like she loved me, but felt too pressured by our marriage and our daughter to give up. She asked for more time and less pressure.
So I stopped trying to talk about things, I stopped writing letters and giving her gifts. I just kept trying to work hard around the house and make my new behaviors into permanent habits and not just temporary changes. I've been doing this for the last 3 months. We've gone out with friends, we've been on trips to see both my family and her family. She always puts up the front that there are no problems when we are around other people, but when we are alone, she is still distant. I've tried to talk about us twice in the last three months, but she told me she wasn't ready to talk (last time about a month ago) and I didn't push her beyond that answer.
She has slowly been opening up more and more over the last 3 months, intellectually and emotionally, about everything except our relationship. As can be expected, there is no physical contact. I'm not talking just intimate contact. I don't expect that kind of contact while we are dealing with these issues. I've stopped trying to initiate any contact, but as of a month ago, she wouldn't hold my hand, hug me or kiss me. Obviously, there is no cuddling in bed at night either, but we do still sleep in the same bed.
I'm writing this today, because I'm starting to struggle with the situation. I want to find a way to fix things, but my wife hates confrontation (I've known this for a long time) and she doesn't want to deal with the issue directly. From our early conversations, I feel like she just wants to take time and see if she can "fall back in love" with me without actively trying to make that happen. I feel like we both have to do something more active, to commit to "us" mentally for any real healing to take place. I just don't know what to do going forward. Do I want to get her to talk about us, or does talking about the problems just keep them on the surface and make it harder for her to move past them?
I appreciate any advice...or criticism.
I'll start by saying this: I feel that my marriage has been hanging by a thread for the last 4 months.
That said, here's the background. My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years and married for almost 5 years. We have 1 child, a 2 year old daughter. I will admit that I was not the ideal spouse. I would grumble whenever she wanted me to do chores, but I would do them, though sometimes after my wife expected them to be done. I gradually started staying up late, usually just reading books or watching TV and then get up later than her as well. Mostly small things that when she brought them to my attention, I'd be better about them for a while and then slowly slip back into my old habits. We were both still happy, but there were those small issues.
When my wife became pregnant, it felt to me like we became closer and more distant at the same time. I know that sounds odd. I feel like we were more distant, because we were not intimate with each other from the 2nd month of her pregnancy until my daughter was 6 months old (~15 months), due to my wife's lack of energy when pregnant and interest in anything but our daughter after giving birth. On top of that, she was so tired that she started going to bed extra early, but was unable to sleep any longer than usual so was getting up earlier than usual. I helped around the house, set up and prepare for the baby, went to all the appointments, so I felt we were closer emotionally, but there was just no physical connection anymore.
My wife was throwing all of her energy into our daughter. I felt pushed aside, but figured that was normal for the first year. I started to focus more on work and looking for a new job since we planned to have more kids and we were already stretched a little thin. We did become intimate on rare occasions, but nowhere near as frequently as before, which once again, I expected considering out daughter. Around the time of our daughter's first birthday, we started trying to have a second child, but without success. Our efforts continued for about 5 months, up until about 1 month prior to "the conversation".
4 months ago, my wife looked tired and upset and I asked her what was wrong. She wouldn't answer at first, but finally told me that she didn't think she was in love with me anymore and whether she wanted to stay in our marriage. I was totally shocked. She said that after she became pregnant, it felt like I pulled away from her. She went into all the times I've been lazy, apathetic about something she thought was important, when she thought I was rude to her, or how little interest she thought I had in our daughter (even though almost every time I tried to help with our daughter my wife told me that she wanted to do it). I tried to ask her if there was anything I could do to fix things and she would only say that she doesn't know. She asked for time to think about us.
I spent the next 5 weeks writing her letters, poems, changing my bad habits completely (going to sleep early, getting up early, found a new job, was more thoughtful about how I talked to her, stopped thinking that my wife was mad at me for taking her time with our daughter and took a much more active role with our daughter, more active around the house with chores, more proactive about things, trying to do the things I should have done before if I hadn't been in such a lazy rut). Every time I tried to talk about "us", she would clam up. After 5 weeks, she told me that she still didn't feel like she loved me, but felt too pressured by our marriage and our daughter to give up. She asked for more time and less pressure.
So I stopped trying to talk about things, I stopped writing letters and giving her gifts. I just kept trying to work hard around the house and make my new behaviors into permanent habits and not just temporary changes. I've been doing this for the last 3 months. We've gone out with friends, we've been on trips to see both my family and her family. She always puts up the front that there are no problems when we are around other people, but when we are alone, she is still distant. I've tried to talk about us twice in the last three months, but she told me she wasn't ready to talk (last time about a month ago) and I didn't push her beyond that answer.
She has slowly been opening up more and more over the last 3 months, intellectually and emotionally, about everything except our relationship. As can be expected, there is no physical contact. I'm not talking just intimate contact. I don't expect that kind of contact while we are dealing with these issues. I've stopped trying to initiate any contact, but as of a month ago, she wouldn't hold my hand, hug me or kiss me. Obviously, there is no cuddling in bed at night either, but we do still sleep in the same bed.
I'm writing this today, because I'm starting to struggle with the situation. I want to find a way to fix things, but my wife hates confrontation (I've known this for a long time) and she doesn't want to deal with the issue directly. From our early conversations, I feel like she just wants to take time and see if she can "fall back in love" with me without actively trying to make that happen. I feel like we both have to do something more active, to commit to "us" mentally for any real healing to take place. I just don't know what to do going forward. Do I want to get her to talk about us, or does talking about the problems just keep them on the surface and make it harder for her to move past them?
I appreciate any advice...or criticism.
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