My wife and I have been together now for just over 5 years.
She brought two kids along with her. Her ex wasn't a terrible person, but they broke up for more domestic reasons. He didn't help much with the kids, expected dinner on the table, never got up in the early morning hours to feed them when they were babies, etc. They both worked 8 hour days, yet he came home, put his feet up and relaxed, while she was expected to handle all the domestic things in addition to the kids. He then proceeded to accuse her of cheating on him because there was no sex (I wonder why there was no sex.. hmmm), and that was the last straw. See ya.
When she and I got together, he was understandably leery of me, and didn't like me. And because I knew about how he treated my gf/fw when they were together, I didn't like him much, either. I'm sure it was apparent, though not overt, on my part.
But I've since proven to him that I'm a good person to have around his kids, and that I'm involved, and staying involved. He's loosened up.
Here's my problem: He still treats my (now) wife the same way he did back then - tells her what the schedule is going to be, based around his needs, rather than asks, for example. A lot of times it's on short notice. He has a revolving work schedule which seemingly always changes, and we tend to only get a few days notice most of the time.
So instead of him calling us up and asking to change the schedule around, it goes more like this: "So I have to work these hours on Tuesday, so I'll drop the kids off Monday night, okay?" (which is off the schedule that has been agreed upon). He'll make up for the time lost by switching another day around, which is fine. It's not about that. But what bugs me is that it's a statement, not a question. He's telling her/us, the way it's going to be.
On the rare occasion we can't accommodate his schedule (ie. we have plans), he acts all put-out and gets a little pissy, and he tries to guilt trip my wife by counting all the times HE'S changed his plans, blah blah blah. (this is rare, by the way, very rare. I'd say 80-90% of schedule changes are initiated by him). This results in him being "cold" to us for the next week or so.
My wife is a very easy-going woman, and I believe he takes advantage of this, just as he did in the past. She recognizes his selfishness, but hey, it's more time we get to spend with the kids, which is ultimately fine with both of us. At the end of the day, it's not a big deal to have them on an unscheduled day, obviously.
But I have taken issue with how he speaks to her, and expects her to just go on his schedule. She agrees, but she's also told me it's not worth getting into with him about. It's certainly not an inconvenience having the kids around, and I agree!
But I have discussed with her that it's the principle of the thing - how I don't like, and neither should she, how she speaks to her/us like this.
It still ends up being 50/50, more or less, but I disagree with how he goes about it, and I've told him myself. I've told him in no uncertain terms that, although I am "just" a step parent, I'd appreciate if he showed more respect to my wife in terms of how he tells, rather than asks, us/her when there's a schedule change. This set him off, and he emailed my wife a LONG message about how I spoke to him, blah blah blah. My wife was just as unhappy with me as she was with him over this, so we both got in ****... lol. But she's come around, and is a little more direct with him when he's pulled this since. Yet he still continues to do it...
Here's the kicker - his current wife is a daycare provider, out of their house...! But she won't take the kids because they'd put her over her maximum # for the day. Fine. Once, when we needed to make a schedule change, and she DID have room for them, he asked that we cover the costs for their care, because it was on our day, not his! He expected us to PAY his wife to look after HIS kids, because that's her job. Laughable. We eventually convinced him otherwise, but still... seriously?
Advice?
She brought two kids along with her. Her ex wasn't a terrible person, but they broke up for more domestic reasons. He didn't help much with the kids, expected dinner on the table, never got up in the early morning hours to feed them when they were babies, etc. They both worked 8 hour days, yet he came home, put his feet up and relaxed, while she was expected to handle all the domestic things in addition to the kids. He then proceeded to accuse her of cheating on him because there was no sex (I wonder why there was no sex.. hmmm), and that was the last straw. See ya.
When she and I got together, he was understandably leery of me, and didn't like me. And because I knew about how he treated my gf/fw when they were together, I didn't like him much, either. I'm sure it was apparent, though not overt, on my part.
But I've since proven to him that I'm a good person to have around his kids, and that I'm involved, and staying involved. He's loosened up.
Here's my problem: He still treats my (now) wife the same way he did back then - tells her what the schedule is going to be, based around his needs, rather than asks, for example. A lot of times it's on short notice. He has a revolving work schedule which seemingly always changes, and we tend to only get a few days notice most of the time.
So instead of him calling us up and asking to change the schedule around, it goes more like this: "So I have to work these hours on Tuesday, so I'll drop the kids off Monday night, okay?" (which is off the schedule that has been agreed upon). He'll make up for the time lost by switching another day around, which is fine. It's not about that. But what bugs me is that it's a statement, not a question. He's telling her/us, the way it's going to be.
On the rare occasion we can't accommodate his schedule (ie. we have plans), he acts all put-out and gets a little pissy, and he tries to guilt trip my wife by counting all the times HE'S changed his plans, blah blah blah. (this is rare, by the way, very rare. I'd say 80-90% of schedule changes are initiated by him). This results in him being "cold" to us for the next week or so.
My wife is a very easy-going woman, and I believe he takes advantage of this, just as he did in the past. She recognizes his selfishness, but hey, it's more time we get to spend with the kids, which is ultimately fine with both of us. At the end of the day, it's not a big deal to have them on an unscheduled day, obviously.
But I have taken issue with how he speaks to her, and expects her to just go on his schedule. She agrees, but she's also told me it's not worth getting into with him about. It's certainly not an inconvenience having the kids around, and I agree!
But I have discussed with her that it's the principle of the thing - how I don't like, and neither should she, how she speaks to her/us like this.
It still ends up being 50/50, more or less, but I disagree with how he goes about it, and I've told him myself. I've told him in no uncertain terms that, although I am "just" a step parent, I'd appreciate if he showed more respect to my wife in terms of how he tells, rather than asks, us/her when there's a schedule change. This set him off, and he emailed my wife a LONG message about how I spoke to him, blah blah blah. My wife was just as unhappy with me as she was with him over this, so we both got in ****... lol. But she's come around, and is a little more direct with him when he's pulled this since. Yet he still continues to do it...
Here's the kicker - his current wife is a daycare provider, out of their house...! But she won't take the kids because they'd put her over her maximum # for the day. Fine. Once, when we needed to make a schedule change, and she DID have room for them, he asked that we cover the costs for their care, because it was on our day, not his! He expected us to PAY his wife to look after HIS kids, because that's her job. Laughable. We eventually convinced him otherwise, but still... seriously?
Advice?
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