(TL;DR at the bottom.)
Ever since I joined TSR (and it's been a fair few years now), a common worry I've seen has been from people who are single, who have been single all their lives, who maybe haven't had sex yet, and who feel that they are 'older than average' to not have had those things. They worry that they're freaks, incapable of love or of even being considered attractive by anyone. They worry about their sexuality. They wonder why it's happening for everyone else and not for them.
For a long while, I was one of those people. I'm fortunate to be able to say that in most other aspects of life, things have tended to go quite well- I'm lucky to have a great group of friends, I've enjoyed my time at university both as an undergrad and as a postgrad, and have been relatively 'successful' in almost all areas- aside from romance.
I was 23 years old and wondering if it would ever happen. I'd managed to go through the entirety of undergrad without finding a partner, and despite a couple of (less than appealing) opportunities here or there, I'd somehow avoided having sex. In fact, the thought of sex terrified me. It was this that held me back during those few rare moments when someone might want to take me back to theirs after a night at the SU- the thought of being intimate with someone like that (even someone I knew relatively well) petrified me.
Because of this, I thought it'd never happen.
On top of that, aside from a few crushes and an ill-considered one month 'relationship' at the age of 18, I rarely even found myself romantically attracted to anyone. I even started questioning my sexuality. Maybe I was gay? Or just asexual? After all, I was perfectly happy without a relationship. In fact, a relationship seemed like it might be a distraction from my academic work and the fun I was having with my friends.
By the time I graduated, I came to the conclusion that I didn't really care anymore. What would it matter if I ended up as a 40 year old virgin? Isn't the point of life just to be happy, to enjoy things? I figured that my love for my subject and my friends was enough. At undergrad I'd played a sport, been on the committee of a society- all sorts of stuff- because that stuff made me happy. What was the use in going out there and actively seeking something that I didn't feel I needed anyway?
It was this state of mind that I brought with me when I started my master's course at a new university. I settled in quickly here, meeting lots of wonderful people and continuing to enjoy my subject. I was happy being single and living without sex.
I then met someone that has turned my life upside down a little...Well, a lot. We've been together for a few months now, and yes, we've had sex. And do you know what the best thing was?
That this was a relationship formed not out of necessity or desperation, but one that emerged simply from two people being genuinely attracted to each other. I'd say that any worries I'd had about being a 'freak' who couldn't love dissipated at that point, but those worries were already long gone- when I'd accepted myself even as a single virgin. And I truly believe that this acceptance was what allowed me to eventually meet someone and end up falling in love- because (as cliched as it sounds) you really do have to love yourself first. Going out there and 'looking for someone' isn't a good strategy.
That's not to say that it hasn't been scary, and that it hasn't been a bit of a whirlwind, because it has. I'm lucky enough to be with someone who is happy to take things slow and who respects me for who I am, without judgement or criticism.
And of course, there are still all those threads from people that haven't found someone or who haven't had sex yet...And there always will be those worries. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I felt just like that, terrified of being forever alone and ending up living with twenty cats or something, but with some self-acceptance (and, admittedly, a bit of luck!) everything worked out.
So if you are single and a virgin and you've never had a relationship and you wake up every day thinking "I'm going to be alone forever", my point is not that this definitely won't be the case- but rather, don't let it define you! Do what feels right to you, don't give into the pressure of having sex ASAP because everyone else has, because doing it with someone for the first time who actually cares about you is well worth the wait. And, heck, even if you end up never doing it with anyone- because that's your preference- then that's also fine! Just do what makes you happy.
TL;DR: society's norms suck. Do what makes you happy. Don't be defined by your relationships (or lack thereof)- sex and relationships are not the be all and end all. Everything will be okay.
(Also, I'm aware that most people reading this will, in theory, know this stuff. But it would've made me feel a lot better, back when I was an undergrad worrying about all of this, to read a positive story from someone who had once felt the same way I did, which is why I decided to write this. I'll stop preaching now.)
Ever since I joined TSR (and it's been a fair few years now), a common worry I've seen has been from people who are single, who have been single all their lives, who maybe haven't had sex yet, and who feel that they are 'older than average' to not have had those things. They worry that they're freaks, incapable of love or of even being considered attractive by anyone. They worry about their sexuality. They wonder why it's happening for everyone else and not for them.
For a long while, I was one of those people. I'm fortunate to be able to say that in most other aspects of life, things have tended to go quite well- I'm lucky to have a great group of friends, I've enjoyed my time at university both as an undergrad and as a postgrad, and have been relatively 'successful' in almost all areas- aside from romance.
I was 23 years old and wondering if it would ever happen. I'd managed to go through the entirety of undergrad without finding a partner, and despite a couple of (less than appealing) opportunities here or there, I'd somehow avoided having sex. In fact, the thought of sex terrified me. It was this that held me back during those few rare moments when someone might want to take me back to theirs after a night at the SU- the thought of being intimate with someone like that (even someone I knew relatively well) petrified me.
Because of this, I thought it'd never happen.
On top of that, aside from a few crushes and an ill-considered one month 'relationship' at the age of 18, I rarely even found myself romantically attracted to anyone. I even started questioning my sexuality. Maybe I was gay? Or just asexual? After all, I was perfectly happy without a relationship. In fact, a relationship seemed like it might be a distraction from my academic work and the fun I was having with my friends.
By the time I graduated, I came to the conclusion that I didn't really care anymore. What would it matter if I ended up as a 40 year old virgin? Isn't the point of life just to be happy, to enjoy things? I figured that my love for my subject and my friends was enough. At undergrad I'd played a sport, been on the committee of a society- all sorts of stuff- because that stuff made me happy. What was the use in going out there and actively seeking something that I didn't feel I needed anyway?
It was this state of mind that I brought with me when I started my master's course at a new university. I settled in quickly here, meeting lots of wonderful people and continuing to enjoy my subject. I was happy being single and living without sex.
I then met someone that has turned my life upside down a little...Well, a lot. We've been together for a few months now, and yes, we've had sex. And do you know what the best thing was?
That this was a relationship formed not out of necessity or desperation, but one that emerged simply from two people being genuinely attracted to each other. I'd say that any worries I'd had about being a 'freak' who couldn't love dissipated at that point, but those worries were already long gone- when I'd accepted myself even as a single virgin. And I truly believe that this acceptance was what allowed me to eventually meet someone and end up falling in love- because (as cliched as it sounds) you really do have to love yourself first. Going out there and 'looking for someone' isn't a good strategy.
That's not to say that it hasn't been scary, and that it hasn't been a bit of a whirlwind, because it has. I'm lucky enough to be with someone who is happy to take things slow and who respects me for who I am, without judgement or criticism.
And of course, there are still all those threads from people that haven't found someone or who haven't had sex yet...And there always will be those worries. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I felt just like that, terrified of being forever alone and ending up living with twenty cats or something, but with some self-acceptance (and, admittedly, a bit of luck!) everything worked out.
So if you are single and a virgin and you've never had a relationship and you wake up every day thinking "I'm going to be alone forever", my point is not that this definitely won't be the case- but rather, don't let it define you! Do what feels right to you, don't give into the pressure of having sex ASAP because everyone else has, because doing it with someone for the first time who actually cares about you is well worth the wait. And, heck, even if you end up never doing it with anyone- because that's your preference- then that's also fine! Just do what makes you happy.
TL;DR: society's norms suck. Do what makes you happy. Don't be defined by your relationships (or lack thereof)- sex and relationships are not the be all and end all. Everything will be okay.
(Also, I'm aware that most people reading this will, in theory, know this stuff. But it would've made me feel a lot better, back when I was an undergrad worrying about all of this, to read a positive story from someone who had once felt the same way I did, which is why I decided to write this. I'll stop preaching now.)
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