Finding this forum has really helped even if just to see that I am not the only person is a bad situation, and seeing so many people give advice has lifted my subjugated spirits.
My situation started before I was married and I know that I should have walked away then, but glad I didn't as I have a small child and a step child that I love as my own, the thought of a day without these breaks my heart.
A bit of background: (long I'm sorry)
My wife and I have both had fulfilling youths and we met in our mid 20s, so there is no missed youth!! When we met my eldest (not biological child) was 4 and is now 14, there is no contact with the biological father and in every way apart from biological I'm the father.
Up until our marriage and for a short time after our sex life was very active and adventurous I felt very much in love and everything seemed perfect, our sex life started to fall away after about a year of marriage but I understand and never put pressure on my wife.
Our problems started when I was sick one Friday and my wife and her family had planned an evening out for dinner, I've never been so sick so stayed home in a bad way! When my wife came home she put our child to bed and went into the kitchen without a hello or how are you feeling! Struck me as strange so I got up and asked if she was ok, she was on her phone said fine I'm going to bed! I apologized for not going but said I was really bad and never been this sick and could not face getting up let alone a spicy meal. She started an argument and I just said look I'm too sick fight with me when I can at least defend myself! She huffed went back to her phone put it down and went to bed!
I went back to being sick for a few hours and eventually when I got up to get a drink curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone, there was nothing in the inbox or sent items so all looked fine, but I knew that these older phones had deleted items so I had a deeper look and what I found sent my blood boiling! She had been texting the Ex of a friend and having all sorts of conversations saying how she was sick of her life and asking him to save her from it! She had even arranged for the two of them to meet when I was out of town one weekend!
I went up to our bedroom and calmly confronted her to which she was very upset and said it was harmless flirting and nothing would happen, I put trust in her went on my trip and she went to her parents.
I would have ended it then but we were in the middle of moving away to another country and all our plans were in place. We moved and had our second child and everything was fine for a few years, our sex life was still poor, where we didn't have sex for months and months but again I didn't put the pressure on her. Until we moved back to our home town where she became very friendly with a male friend, this was a unique relationship and it created a little friction in our marriage but I again put trust in her and to this day hope there has been no relationship outside of friendship.
We've had issues recently and more and more I've noticed that we have become distant and our sex life is rare and vanilla at best, I find it hard when we do as there is no passion in our relationship or even vague interest from my wife. In fact there has been times when I have noticed her face during sex and I've been too upset to finish and have made some excuse, in fact I can't even remember in the last 4/5 years having a passionate embrace. She seems more interested in her friend's lives (male & female) and less about the obvious problems in ours. We argue constantly and no matter how hard I try I feel that things are getting worse. The lack of intimacy, passion has always made me believe she is not happy and I don't believe she is and maybe has never been in love with me.
Just before the holidays things were really bad and we had an argument where she mentioned maybe I should find a flat, I'd seriously considered moving out but I could not stand being away from my kids at Christmas so decided to stick with it! Christmas was very difficult but I put on a brave face and we had a good time and since then she has been more attentive (outside of sex) and more interested in spending time with me! This obviously has left me totally confused and conflicted but the problem is I think I've started to move on in my head and I'm not sure what to do! I love my kids and don't want to separate as it means being away from them and this would have a huge impact on them, and we'd always planned to move back abroad and this would mean everything, all of our dreams are shattered!
I love my wife tremendously I just can't continue a life of being unhappy and felt that I'm sinking into a state of depression! When we talk about it she says she knows she needs to try harder and says she will try but we always end up going back to the same stale state and I'm not sure what to do. I deserve to be happy and I need to feel loved!
My situation started before I was married and I know that I should have walked away then, but glad I didn't as I have a small child and a step child that I love as my own, the thought of a day without these breaks my heart.
A bit of background: (long I'm sorry)
My wife and I have both had fulfilling youths and we met in our mid 20s, so there is no missed youth!! When we met my eldest (not biological child) was 4 and is now 14, there is no contact with the biological father and in every way apart from biological I'm the father.
Up until our marriage and for a short time after our sex life was very active and adventurous I felt very much in love and everything seemed perfect, our sex life started to fall away after about a year of marriage but I understand and never put pressure on my wife.
Our problems started when I was sick one Friday and my wife and her family had planned an evening out for dinner, I've never been so sick so stayed home in a bad way! When my wife came home she put our child to bed and went into the kitchen without a hello or how are you feeling! Struck me as strange so I got up and asked if she was ok, she was on her phone said fine I'm going to bed! I apologized for not going but said I was really bad and never been this sick and could not face getting up let alone a spicy meal. She started an argument and I just said look I'm too sick fight with me when I can at least defend myself! She huffed went back to her phone put it down and went to bed!
I went back to being sick for a few hours and eventually when I got up to get a drink curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone, there was nothing in the inbox or sent items so all looked fine, but I knew that these older phones had deleted items so I had a deeper look and what I found sent my blood boiling! She had been texting the Ex of a friend and having all sorts of conversations saying how she was sick of her life and asking him to save her from it! She had even arranged for the two of them to meet when I was out of town one weekend!
I went up to our bedroom and calmly confronted her to which she was very upset and said it was harmless flirting and nothing would happen, I put trust in her went on my trip and she went to her parents.
I would have ended it then but we were in the middle of moving away to another country and all our plans were in place. We moved and had our second child and everything was fine for a few years, our sex life was still poor, where we didn't have sex for months and months but again I didn't put the pressure on her. Until we moved back to our home town where she became very friendly with a male friend, this was a unique relationship and it created a little friction in our marriage but I again put trust in her and to this day hope there has been no relationship outside of friendship.
We've had issues recently and more and more I've noticed that we have become distant and our sex life is rare and vanilla at best, I find it hard when we do as there is no passion in our relationship or even vague interest from my wife. In fact there has been times when I have noticed her face during sex and I've been too upset to finish and have made some excuse, in fact I can't even remember in the last 4/5 years having a passionate embrace. She seems more interested in her friend's lives (male & female) and less about the obvious problems in ours. We argue constantly and no matter how hard I try I feel that things are getting worse. The lack of intimacy, passion has always made me believe she is not happy and I don't believe she is and maybe has never been in love with me.
Just before the holidays things were really bad and we had an argument where she mentioned maybe I should find a flat, I'd seriously considered moving out but I could not stand being away from my kids at Christmas so decided to stick with it! Christmas was very difficult but I put on a brave face and we had a good time and since then she has been more attentive (outside of sex) and more interested in spending time with me! This obviously has left me totally confused and conflicted but the problem is I think I've started to move on in my head and I'm not sure what to do! I love my kids and don't want to separate as it means being away from them and this would have a huge impact on them, and we'd always planned to move back abroad and this would mean everything, all of our dreams are shattered!
I love my wife tremendously I just can't continue a life of being unhappy and felt that I'm sinking into a state of depression! When we talk about it she says she knows she needs to try harder and says she will try but we always end up going back to the same stale state and I'm not sure what to do. I deserve to be happy and I need to feel loved!
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