How many of you BSs (husbands- since you seem to be the majority here) that were betrayed by your spouses fully believe that when you read a new thread from a new BS that you really have all of the details about what state of the marriage was prior to their WS cheating? I feel like I read thread after thread where you are all like a bunch of bullies drilling into every WS that they are basically garbage when there there may have been lots of problems that the BS contributed to in the demise of the marriage prior to the affair(s).
While I get that there are BSs that truly are good to their spouse and sometimes people do crappy things to each other, every book I've read aludes to various scenarios deteriorating the marriage leaving one spouse vulnerable to having an affair. Cheating is ALWAYS 100% of the cheater's fault. Having a crappy marriage, not so much.
I'm sure you're wondering, so yes, I was a WW. But before you get too far, here's how all the things you said affected me. As you were tearing me a new one about what a horrible person I was, BS trickle-truthed me for SIX MONTHS about a PA that he had, all the while he's outing my affair to my family, his family, our nanny, etc. He wasn't so good about going back and outing himself to everyone- especially my father.
I've spent the last 6 mos of my life being remorseful for my affair (EA/PA that was sporadic over 4 years with 7 instances of sexual contact) and the pain and hurt I caused him doing by everything I can to show it (IC, MC, heartfelt apologies to him crying my eyes out, apology letters to him and his family, love letters, courting him, seducing him, daily notes, messages, calls, etc.).
I've mostly put my career in the toilet to focus on our marriage, and our 3 kids, 2 of which have ADHD and need constant attention, take care of all of the boring s$%t that goes on at home which (admirable as it is)I did everything in my power to avoid having no other option than to be a SAHM by graduating from one of the top schools in the nation. But let's face it, many men just don't appreciate how hard the job is.
Him, not so much. When I first caught him before my DDay, he was so tearful and told me over and over about how he wanted to make our family work- yadda, yadda. After his 2nd or 3rd DDay, when he knew about my affair, he actually blamed ME for his PA! Yes!! To the statement I made, "it's not as though I put your D*&K in her" he said "you kind of did". But, funny his actions never had a thing to do with my affair. The instances of the double-standard over and over again were laughable.
Almost every time he's triggered he's been emotionally abusive and he even threatened physical violence on a few occasions (not directed at me) all over again and continued to do so until I called him out to our MC and she let him know what he was doing. He's called every name in the book and I put up with all of it because I honestly believe I am fighting for my marriage to the only man I have ever really loved. As for him staying on the path of the calling the babysitter to set up date night or helping more with the kids when he's home, that's running on fumes. He does come to bed at night again instead of ****ing around on the computer, about half of the time.
When I trigger, he turns around and throws my affair back in my face. I almost never get the same support from him that I give. We've spent HOURS going over my affair including a 2 hour session at MC with an open season to delve into the intricacies of why I did it. Want to know how much we've spent on his? 1-2hrs TOPS since his last DDay over 6 mos ago! He's a ticking time bomb at times with a temper so ****ed I want to pack my bags and run for the hills. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. To top it all off, he's slacking on his part to improve our marriage- now after suspecting for some time, I caught him watching porn again.
I get the whole wave of emotions all of you experienced too- remember, I'm also a BS... I check his email and social media accounts constantly, track his ass on GPS and regularly want to throw a brick at his head for cheating on me with a woman half my age while i was home and knocked up, working, dealing with contractors, kids, soccer, etc. (oh yeah and 2 days before my birthday), but not every WS wakes up one day and says "you know, I'm going to go out and have an affair" the way you would go get some coffee. Yes, some WSs are truly slime and don't deserve an ounce of anything resembling compassion or empathy. But, showing compassion does not mean you condone what the WS has done. I thought we were all trying to help each other here.
Realize that as you pump that person up without knowing all the details (that maybe the BS is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive) that you may potentially give them justification for whatever crappy or dangerous thing they choose to do to their spouse, whether it's justified or not.
Now if you inadvertently cause the BS to go out and truly hurt someone else, have they really "won" anything? Has the hurt magically gone away? If you've caused someone to physically harm or hurt someone else, is that vindication really that good? Do you want to live knowing you caused some POS to go out and hurt someone else because you thought retribution for an affair justified it? Because, I know I teach my kids, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Isn't that how wars are started?
Remember many of us in this part of the forum are members of the club we don't want to be in. For the record, how many of you chronic "WS bashers" are happy in another relationship with someone else or even happy with yourself? Because many of you seem bitter and for all the advice you give. Aside from telling everyone to move on, it doesn't seem like many of you rave about being in a better place for having done it.
So while half the time I'd like to tell him and many of you to "go F%$K yourself", the point of my rant is: before you go spouting off at every story "Dump the B**tch" or "Your husband is a piece of S$*t", understand the BS isn't perfect and most people don't go confessing their deepest darkest boo boos if they aren't for sure going to get called on it. An even better question, how many of you BSs are WSs that are too much of a ***** to admit it? There's no TAM police verifying everything people say is true, so try to be a bit more cautious about what you say.
Rant over. Have a nice day.
While I get that there are BSs that truly are good to their spouse and sometimes people do crappy things to each other, every book I've read aludes to various scenarios deteriorating the marriage leaving one spouse vulnerable to having an affair. Cheating is ALWAYS 100% of the cheater's fault. Having a crappy marriage, not so much.
I'm sure you're wondering, so yes, I was a WW. But before you get too far, here's how all the things you said affected me. As you were tearing me a new one about what a horrible person I was, BS trickle-truthed me for SIX MONTHS about a PA that he had, all the while he's outing my affair to my family, his family, our nanny, etc. He wasn't so good about going back and outing himself to everyone- especially my father.
I've spent the last 6 mos of my life being remorseful for my affair (EA/PA that was sporadic over 4 years with 7 instances of sexual contact) and the pain and hurt I caused him doing by everything I can to show it (IC, MC, heartfelt apologies to him crying my eyes out, apology letters to him and his family, love letters, courting him, seducing him, daily notes, messages, calls, etc.).
I've mostly put my career in the toilet to focus on our marriage, and our 3 kids, 2 of which have ADHD and need constant attention, take care of all of the boring s$%t that goes on at home which (admirable as it is)I did everything in my power to avoid having no other option than to be a SAHM by graduating from one of the top schools in the nation. But let's face it, many men just don't appreciate how hard the job is.
Him, not so much. When I first caught him before my DDay, he was so tearful and told me over and over about how he wanted to make our family work- yadda, yadda. After his 2nd or 3rd DDay, when he knew about my affair, he actually blamed ME for his PA! Yes!! To the statement I made, "it's not as though I put your D*&K in her" he said "you kind of did". But, funny his actions never had a thing to do with my affair. The instances of the double-standard over and over again were laughable.
Almost every time he's triggered he's been emotionally abusive and he even threatened physical violence on a few occasions (not directed at me) all over again and continued to do so until I called him out to our MC and she let him know what he was doing. He's called every name in the book and I put up with all of it because I honestly believe I am fighting for my marriage to the only man I have ever really loved. As for him staying on the path of the calling the babysitter to set up date night or helping more with the kids when he's home, that's running on fumes. He does come to bed at night again instead of ****ing around on the computer, about half of the time.
When I trigger, he turns around and throws my affair back in my face. I almost never get the same support from him that I give. We've spent HOURS going over my affair including a 2 hour session at MC with an open season to delve into the intricacies of why I did it. Want to know how much we've spent on his? 1-2hrs TOPS since his last DDay over 6 mos ago! He's a ticking time bomb at times with a temper so ****ed I want to pack my bags and run for the hills. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. To top it all off, he's slacking on his part to improve our marriage- now after suspecting for some time, I caught him watching porn again.
I get the whole wave of emotions all of you experienced too- remember, I'm also a BS... I check his email and social media accounts constantly, track his ass on GPS and regularly want to throw a brick at his head for cheating on me with a woman half my age while i was home and knocked up, working, dealing with contractors, kids, soccer, etc. (oh yeah and 2 days before my birthday), but not every WS wakes up one day and says "you know, I'm going to go out and have an affair" the way you would go get some coffee. Yes, some WSs are truly slime and don't deserve an ounce of anything resembling compassion or empathy. But, showing compassion does not mean you condone what the WS has done. I thought we were all trying to help each other here.
Realize that as you pump that person up without knowing all the details (that maybe the BS is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive) that you may potentially give them justification for whatever crappy or dangerous thing they choose to do to their spouse, whether it's justified or not.
Now if you inadvertently cause the BS to go out and truly hurt someone else, have they really "won" anything? Has the hurt magically gone away? If you've caused someone to physically harm or hurt someone else, is that vindication really that good? Do you want to live knowing you caused some POS to go out and hurt someone else because you thought retribution for an affair justified it? Because, I know I teach my kids, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Isn't that how wars are started?
Remember many of us in this part of the forum are members of the club we don't want to be in. For the record, how many of you chronic "WS bashers" are happy in another relationship with someone else or even happy with yourself? Because many of you seem bitter and for all the advice you give. Aside from telling everyone to move on, it doesn't seem like many of you rave about being in a better place for having done it.
So while half the time I'd like to tell him and many of you to "go F%$K yourself", the point of my rant is: before you go spouting off at every story "Dump the B**tch" or "Your husband is a piece of S$*t", understand the BS isn't perfect and most people don't go confessing their deepest darkest boo boos if they aren't for sure going to get called on it. An even better question, how many of you BSs are WSs that are too much of a ***** to admit it? There's no TAM police verifying everything people say is true, so try to be a bit more cautious about what you say.
Rant over. Have a nice day.
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