I am writing because I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and I am really trying to work through it. I haven't discussed this with her (though I have in the past), because I am honestly trying to figure out my feelings first. It's easier for me to write down my feelings than it is to have a sit-down discussion, and so maybe this board can help me figure things out.
I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and it makes me not want to spend time around her. My husband and I live 15 minutes away from his parents, and I visit with them whenever my husband suggests it, which is usually about once a week. I am very polite when I'm over there but on the inside, I feel a lot of resentment. I do not think she is a bad person, but I think she is very overbearing. When my husband and I were engaged, he was in the hospital and his mom bossed me around the whole time, telling me to stay in the background because I do irritating things and my husband won't get better. Honestly, the week that my then-fiancé was in the hospital was terrible. I had never felt so alone in my life, and I had never been so pushed around and treated so poorly. My MIL got in my face at one point because I had been talking to her daughter-in-law, who she doesn't like...she screamed at me in the car and told me to STAY THE **** AWAY FROM (her daughter-in-law)." I think she knew that I was complaining to her daughter-in-law about the way I was being treated, because she knew I would find an ally in her.
After that happened, I totally shut down. I was nice on the outside but on the inside, I felt so much anger. Our relationship before the hospital incident was okay...I have always felt that she is very overbearing and tries to tell her sons what to do, but I have always kept my mouth closed. After the hospital, as much as I tried to be nice, it was obvious that I was uncomfortable. We did have a talk about it, but things since then have happened which make me not even want to be around her. For example, my dad has cancer and my parents have been paying a lot of medical bills. During the planning of the wedding, the costs for everything were going up (my MIL was helping plan the wedding) and my mom became upset about it. I tried to explain to my MIL that my parents are having trouble financially because they are paying for my dad's bills and she told me it seems like "it's all about the money" to my parents, whereas to her and her husband, it's about the celebration of a beautiful event. I felt that there was no compassion for what my parents are going through in regards to my dad's health, and they were looked upon as cheapskates who would not pay hundreds of dollars for certain things that were really unnecessary.
I have really just wanted to stay away from her, even though she has done nice things for me and my husband. I feel badly for feeling this way, but I really have tried everything to reverse these feelings. I feel that the more I allow her into my life, the more she will try to influence what me and my husband do (especially when we eventually have children). She has made numerous comments about their family being like a clan and the mafia, and while that works for some people, I need my own identity. I like to have more space than that. It has gotten to the point where I have made rude comments even when trying not to. For example, my husband lived at home until he got married. When we went to their house for Christmas, my MIL asked my husband if it was weird waking up without them on Christmas. I thought that was very rude, as he woke up with his wife on Christmas. How is that weird? When she asked that, I said "It wasn't weird, I really enjoyed it." She also said he is always welcome to come home. These comments get under my skin so much and my husband doesn't understand.
What should I do? I have been avoiding my MIL, unless my husband wants to go visit. He knows my frustrations, but I have tried not to constantly complain about his mom, as I know that is not something anyone wants to hear. Should I eventually talk with his MIL if she calls me out on not spending more time with them? How do I not feel this way? Please help! Thank you.
I have a lot of resentment toward my MIL and it makes me not want to spend time around her. My husband and I live 15 minutes away from his parents, and I visit with them whenever my husband suggests it, which is usually about once a week. I am very polite when I'm over there but on the inside, I feel a lot of resentment. I do not think she is a bad person, but I think she is very overbearing. When my husband and I were engaged, he was in the hospital and his mom bossed me around the whole time, telling me to stay in the background because I do irritating things and my husband won't get better. Honestly, the week that my then-fiancé was in the hospital was terrible. I had never felt so alone in my life, and I had never been so pushed around and treated so poorly. My MIL got in my face at one point because I had been talking to her daughter-in-law, who she doesn't like...she screamed at me in the car and told me to STAY THE **** AWAY FROM (her daughter-in-law)." I think she knew that I was complaining to her daughter-in-law about the way I was being treated, because she knew I would find an ally in her.
After that happened, I totally shut down. I was nice on the outside but on the inside, I felt so much anger. Our relationship before the hospital incident was okay...I have always felt that she is very overbearing and tries to tell her sons what to do, but I have always kept my mouth closed. After the hospital, as much as I tried to be nice, it was obvious that I was uncomfortable. We did have a talk about it, but things since then have happened which make me not even want to be around her. For example, my dad has cancer and my parents have been paying a lot of medical bills. During the planning of the wedding, the costs for everything were going up (my MIL was helping plan the wedding) and my mom became upset about it. I tried to explain to my MIL that my parents are having trouble financially because they are paying for my dad's bills and she told me it seems like "it's all about the money" to my parents, whereas to her and her husband, it's about the celebration of a beautiful event. I felt that there was no compassion for what my parents are going through in regards to my dad's health, and they were looked upon as cheapskates who would not pay hundreds of dollars for certain things that were really unnecessary.
I have really just wanted to stay away from her, even though she has done nice things for me and my husband. I feel badly for feeling this way, but I really have tried everything to reverse these feelings. I feel that the more I allow her into my life, the more she will try to influence what me and my husband do (especially when we eventually have children). She has made numerous comments about their family being like a clan and the mafia, and while that works for some people, I need my own identity. I like to have more space than that. It has gotten to the point where I have made rude comments even when trying not to. For example, my husband lived at home until he got married. When we went to their house for Christmas, my MIL asked my husband if it was weird waking up without them on Christmas. I thought that was very rude, as he woke up with his wife on Christmas. How is that weird? When she asked that, I said "It wasn't weird, I really enjoyed it." She also said he is always welcome to come home. These comments get under my skin so much and my husband doesn't understand.
What should I do? I have been avoiding my MIL, unless my husband wants to go visit. He knows my frustrations, but I have tried not to constantly complain about his mom, as I know that is not something anyone wants to hear. Should I eventually talk with his MIL if she calls me out on not spending more time with them? How do I not feel this way? Please help! Thank you.
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