I have a 16 yo son, "typical," and a 13 yo with atypical Autism.
I am divorced since Jan '12, and their dad has primary custody. (I was depressed/over-medicated/financially not able to fight for custody)
Our divorce was caused in large part in that ex and I had polar opposite views on how to raise the kids. I lost. Oh, and his affair.
I have 2x month weekend visitation, half of holidays and vaca.
I pay child support. Ex and I don't speak unless we have to discuss kids.
So, 16 has never had respect for me as a parent. It has gotten worse as he got older. He's 6'2, 240, and narcissistic (like dad.) As long as I give him his way, he is civil to me. He various from civil to completely charming with everyone else.
But if I tell him no for any reason, there is cussing (**** you, piss off)physical intimidation (putting his face 5" from mine to scream) and some pushing/shoving.
13 w Autism is picking up these behaviors. Gets angry and cusses me, has hit me, kicked me. He has less of a filter than 16, so his physical aggression has been more frequent.
Sat night, I told 16 he could not go to a friends house. Discussed my feelings about his attitude w/me, his cussing and phys intimidation. He was calm briefly while he tried to change my mind, but when he realized I was decided, he lost it. Went to his room, crying/furious.
13 yo then gave me trouble at dinner, was not what he wanted. So he cussed. I know his dad does not put up with that at the table, so I warned him, then took his plate and sent him to bed to calm down (same room as 16.) Thought 16 would come out and go somewhere else. Instead, screaming match ensued. 13 came out and had finger-mark bruises on his face where 16 had clamped his hand over his mouth and squeezed. Bruises remained today 24 hours later.
I had deputy come out to talk to 16. 16 was smug and dismissive of deputy. I have had deputy, wrestling coach, and boy scout leaders talk to him in the past. No effect (except anger at me for embarrassing him, from both him and his dad.)
Deputy says I have 1 year to press charges. I took pictures.
16 is often babysitter for 13, though I am supposed to be first called, and I am only 3 miles away.
16 recently argued with me that he was going to give 13 another pill (Vyvanse, for ADD) because he was throwing a fit. I told him he had just had his dose within the hour, and he continued to argue and insist he was going to give him more "because he obviously needs it." So I am concerned that during babysitting (ex has 16 administer meds to 13) he may overdose him if 13 is being difficult.
13 is not an elopement risk at this time. But i have been looking into locator bracelets, and ex and 16 both do not want 13 to wear one because it draws attention to his differentness (like anyone wouldn't figure out that he's different. Give me a break.) 16 threatened that if I put one on 13, it would get "lost."
I am feeling that I should press charges. If something happens to 13 through violence, negligence, or overdose, I won't be able to live with myself. But I am afraid because I don't know what the consequences could be. I know 16 could be arrested, may face jail time. That's going to affect his career/college opportunities, but I've warned him about that and he persists.
ex and 16 have decided that the answer is for 16 not to visit me anymore. Fine. I have told him that if he can't be respectful, he can't visit me, but up till now him not visiting me has been an inconvenience for ex's plans with his fiancee. so, he visits, is sweet, gets what he wants, then morphs into the monster. So, his not visiting will make 13's and my visits calmer, but I don't know what happens at ex's when ex isn't there. 13 has had unexplained small bruises, and has told me 16 hits him.
I am more concerned about whether the court would decide 13 or 16 needs to go into foster care. Situation is not ideal, clearly, but ex is fairly decent father in other areas. I don't think foster care should be necessary. I do know I can't take custody of 16; he is out of my control. I might be able to take custody of 13, but it does scare me. I haven't had them full time ever, and I have some issues. I live with my mom because the divorce left me with not enough to live on. He is getting big (already taller than me) and he is, as I said, somewhat physical sometimes. I will do my best if that is what needs to happen, but I doubt my abilities.
I just don't want 16 to be able to babysit 13 anymore, I don't think it's wise. I never did, but I am stronger now and ready to do what i have to in order to protect 13.
If anyone has had experience with domestic violence/juvenile relations, esp in VA, could you please school me on what I'm getting myself/us into, and what the best way to proceed would be? I would rather have counseling for 16 (had it for a while--my insistence,anger issues--, but after d finalized, ex decided 16 was fine and did not need it anymore.) But I am most concerned that 16 not be able to babysit 13 anymore. Is there a way that ex can be ordered not to allow 16 to babysit 13, without the possibility that foster care will be on the table?
I'm sorry this is so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts.
I am divorced since Jan '12, and their dad has primary custody. (I was depressed/over-medicated/financially not able to fight for custody)
Our divorce was caused in large part in that ex and I had polar opposite views on how to raise the kids. I lost. Oh, and his affair.
I have 2x month weekend visitation, half of holidays and vaca.
I pay child support. Ex and I don't speak unless we have to discuss kids.
So, 16 has never had respect for me as a parent. It has gotten worse as he got older. He's 6'2, 240, and narcissistic (like dad.) As long as I give him his way, he is civil to me. He various from civil to completely charming with everyone else.
But if I tell him no for any reason, there is cussing (**** you, piss off)physical intimidation (putting his face 5" from mine to scream) and some pushing/shoving.
13 w Autism is picking up these behaviors. Gets angry and cusses me, has hit me, kicked me. He has less of a filter than 16, so his physical aggression has been more frequent.
Sat night, I told 16 he could not go to a friends house. Discussed my feelings about his attitude w/me, his cussing and phys intimidation. He was calm briefly while he tried to change my mind, but when he realized I was decided, he lost it. Went to his room, crying/furious.
13 yo then gave me trouble at dinner, was not what he wanted. So he cussed. I know his dad does not put up with that at the table, so I warned him, then took his plate and sent him to bed to calm down (same room as 16.) Thought 16 would come out and go somewhere else. Instead, screaming match ensued. 13 came out and had finger-mark bruises on his face where 16 had clamped his hand over his mouth and squeezed. Bruises remained today 24 hours later.
I had deputy come out to talk to 16. 16 was smug and dismissive of deputy. I have had deputy, wrestling coach, and boy scout leaders talk to him in the past. No effect (except anger at me for embarrassing him, from both him and his dad.)
Deputy says I have 1 year to press charges. I took pictures.
16 is often babysitter for 13, though I am supposed to be first called, and I am only 3 miles away.
16 recently argued with me that he was going to give 13 another pill (Vyvanse, for ADD) because he was throwing a fit. I told him he had just had his dose within the hour, and he continued to argue and insist he was going to give him more "because he obviously needs it." So I am concerned that during babysitting (ex has 16 administer meds to 13) he may overdose him if 13 is being difficult.
13 is not an elopement risk at this time. But i have been looking into locator bracelets, and ex and 16 both do not want 13 to wear one because it draws attention to his differentness (like anyone wouldn't figure out that he's different. Give me a break.) 16 threatened that if I put one on 13, it would get "lost."
I am feeling that I should press charges. If something happens to 13 through violence, negligence, or overdose, I won't be able to live with myself. But I am afraid because I don't know what the consequences could be. I know 16 could be arrested, may face jail time. That's going to affect his career/college opportunities, but I've warned him about that and he persists.
ex and 16 have decided that the answer is for 16 not to visit me anymore. Fine. I have told him that if he can't be respectful, he can't visit me, but up till now him not visiting me has been an inconvenience for ex's plans with his fiancee. so, he visits, is sweet, gets what he wants, then morphs into the monster. So, his not visiting will make 13's and my visits calmer, but I don't know what happens at ex's when ex isn't there. 13 has had unexplained small bruises, and has told me 16 hits him.
I am more concerned about whether the court would decide 13 or 16 needs to go into foster care. Situation is not ideal, clearly, but ex is fairly decent father in other areas. I don't think foster care should be necessary. I do know I can't take custody of 16; he is out of my control. I might be able to take custody of 13, but it does scare me. I haven't had them full time ever, and I have some issues. I live with my mom because the divorce left me with not enough to live on. He is getting big (already taller than me) and he is, as I said, somewhat physical sometimes. I will do my best if that is what needs to happen, but I doubt my abilities.
I just don't want 16 to be able to babysit 13 anymore, I don't think it's wise. I never did, but I am stronger now and ready to do what i have to in order to protect 13.
If anyone has had experience with domestic violence/juvenile relations, esp in VA, could you please school me on what I'm getting myself/us into, and what the best way to proceed would be? I would rather have counseling for 16 (had it for a while--my insistence,anger issues--, but after d finalized, ex decided 16 was fine and did not need it anymore.) But I am most concerned that 16 not be able to babysit 13 anymore. Is there a way that ex can be ordered not to allow 16 to babysit 13, without the possibility that foster care will be on the table?
I'm sorry this is so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment