MattMatt suggested that when we tell our stories we tell the whole story. Mine is so complex that I've piecemealed it here and there. I tend to compartmentalize it. But I don't think I will get solid advice without laying the whole story out.
My H pursued me for 12 years. I was a single parent and was not focused on dating. My focus was on gaining higher education and taking care of my kids. During that 12 years of pursuit I reconciled with my first Husband and we had another daughter. My first H was an adulterer. Didn't work the second time either. My second H always stayed in touch as a friend as I worked out my issues. I had trust issues and didn't want to have anything to do with relationships for a long time.
After 12 years of my second H pursuing me I realized that I could trust this kind, loving and devoted man. We dated long distance for three years (he was stationed 6000 miles away). And he already knew my kids from being a friend for so long. We got married in 2004 but lived apart for a year sorting out the details. In 2005 my girls and I relocated 6000 miles to live with him. I left my career and uprooted my girls. My oldest was angry. She was not happy about leaving her life. But I thought her having a solid father figure in her life would be a benefit.
When we arrived it was caustic. My oldest was hateful, rightfully so. However, my H responded with anger. He started calling her names and she would shut herself in her room for days. I was the buffer between them. My daughter withdrew. My H became explosive (anger outbursts) and controlling.
From the moment we arrived in Hawaii my H had no physical interest in me. I would step out and try to engage him but he didn't respond. I bought movies and sex games. I bought teddies. I would proposition him. Granted I was shy in my propositions because the more I got shut down, the less I put myself out there. I wasn't used to rejection and it made me feel unattractive. When we would have relations it felt obligatory from him. I thought my H had a low sex drive or was just stressed. So I just focused on buffering between him and my oldest.
My oldest eventually turned to drugs and alcohol. This almost substantiated my H's sentiments toward her. The name calling got worse. I flew my oldest back home after she graduated high school in an attempt to get her out of the environment. H continued to be physically neglectful to me and was still explosive toward me and the youngest. One year later my youngest and I moved back home, two years before my H's retirement, to get us out of the environment. Also because my oldest was living with my sick mother and was misbehaving (drugs and alcohol) and I needed to intervene.
Our first year back my mother got very sick. She was in a coma in the hospital. At the same time my oldest got arrested for drunk driving and I was closing on our home. I didn't know this at the time but at the same time my H (in Hawaii) was paying money for adult dating sites. More about that later.
When my H came home to visit things would be ok for a couple days and then he would have anger outbursts. Still there was little to no sexual interest toward me. I spent two years being a mom and finishing up my degree.
During the last year, prior to my H's retirement and him joining us, a friend of 20 or so years moved back home. My sister is in a band. I would see her play on weekends. He was also her friend and would go see her play. We started hanging out. He was safe. Never crossed any lines and was also a friend of my H's. I told my H he was back and town and we were hanging out. My H started having issues with it. At the time I didn't understand why. Nothing was going on, my friend was dating someone and his girlfriend often accompanied us to gigs, and I didn't understand why I couldn't have a friend. My other friends were too busy with their families and had no time for me.
I started getting my self confidence back during this time and I was enjoying my life. I started thinking about not wanting to live the terribly abusive and neglectful life I had lived for so long. I started conveying my feelings to my H, telling him that if he retires with me he needs to change because I can't live that way again.
My H came back home in September of 2012. When he came back I was detached. He came back different. Non explosive and physically desiring me. It was at the point that I realized that I had feelings for my friend. It was a difficult time because we had not discussed such things. Actually, moving into such territory would likely destroy our friendship. At the point of this realization I went no contact and focused on reconciling with my H. I was hard on myself and almost took my life one night. It was a difficult time.
In November of 2012 my H went on a business trip and came back two days before Christmas. From October to January we were really connecting. We were being physical and for the first time in our marriage there was physical passion between us. I felt liberated. Until January of 2013. That's when I found escort contacts in his email, memberships to adult dating sites (some were paid), multiple searches for escorts (backpage, eros, youtube videos of escort ads), hidden email accounts, and so on. Many of these searches took place during his recent business trip after we were physically connecting. That really hurt.
My H denied it all. He then told me he had an addiction. He said there's nothing like being with a woman for the first time. He told me has had a thing with almost getting caught. But he trickle-truthed me and blame shifted. He told me it was all my fault because I didn't do enough to sexually engage him in Hawaii. Keep in mind, I bought movies, sex games, would spontaneously go down on him...no response.
The more I searched, the more I found. The more denial and blame shifting I received.
We have been separated for 10 months. He's been trying for 10 months. He took a poly and admitted to contacting the escorts in 2005. Looking back I see that our whole marriage when he was emotionally abusing our oldest and shutting me out sexually he was fantasizing about escorts (at the very least).
I know I'm not blameless here. But he's still trying and I'm shut down. I can't move. Yet I blame myself and feel guilty because of my part in the dysfunction. I can't release myself and I can't move forward.
Thoughts?
My H pursued me for 12 years. I was a single parent and was not focused on dating. My focus was on gaining higher education and taking care of my kids. During that 12 years of pursuit I reconciled with my first Husband and we had another daughter. My first H was an adulterer. Didn't work the second time either. My second H always stayed in touch as a friend as I worked out my issues. I had trust issues and didn't want to have anything to do with relationships for a long time.
After 12 years of my second H pursuing me I realized that I could trust this kind, loving and devoted man. We dated long distance for three years (he was stationed 6000 miles away). And he already knew my kids from being a friend for so long. We got married in 2004 but lived apart for a year sorting out the details. In 2005 my girls and I relocated 6000 miles to live with him. I left my career and uprooted my girls. My oldest was angry. She was not happy about leaving her life. But I thought her having a solid father figure in her life would be a benefit.
When we arrived it was caustic. My oldest was hateful, rightfully so. However, my H responded with anger. He started calling her names and she would shut herself in her room for days. I was the buffer between them. My daughter withdrew. My H became explosive (anger outbursts) and controlling.
From the moment we arrived in Hawaii my H had no physical interest in me. I would step out and try to engage him but he didn't respond. I bought movies and sex games. I bought teddies. I would proposition him. Granted I was shy in my propositions because the more I got shut down, the less I put myself out there. I wasn't used to rejection and it made me feel unattractive. When we would have relations it felt obligatory from him. I thought my H had a low sex drive or was just stressed. So I just focused on buffering between him and my oldest.
My oldest eventually turned to drugs and alcohol. This almost substantiated my H's sentiments toward her. The name calling got worse. I flew my oldest back home after she graduated high school in an attempt to get her out of the environment. H continued to be physically neglectful to me and was still explosive toward me and the youngest. One year later my youngest and I moved back home, two years before my H's retirement, to get us out of the environment. Also because my oldest was living with my sick mother and was misbehaving (drugs and alcohol) and I needed to intervene.
Our first year back my mother got very sick. She was in a coma in the hospital. At the same time my oldest got arrested for drunk driving and I was closing on our home. I didn't know this at the time but at the same time my H (in Hawaii) was paying money for adult dating sites. More about that later.
When my H came home to visit things would be ok for a couple days and then he would have anger outbursts. Still there was little to no sexual interest toward me. I spent two years being a mom and finishing up my degree.
During the last year, prior to my H's retirement and him joining us, a friend of 20 or so years moved back home. My sister is in a band. I would see her play on weekends. He was also her friend and would go see her play. We started hanging out. He was safe. Never crossed any lines and was also a friend of my H's. I told my H he was back and town and we were hanging out. My H started having issues with it. At the time I didn't understand why. Nothing was going on, my friend was dating someone and his girlfriend often accompanied us to gigs, and I didn't understand why I couldn't have a friend. My other friends were too busy with their families and had no time for me.
I started getting my self confidence back during this time and I was enjoying my life. I started thinking about not wanting to live the terribly abusive and neglectful life I had lived for so long. I started conveying my feelings to my H, telling him that if he retires with me he needs to change because I can't live that way again.
My H came back home in September of 2012. When he came back I was detached. He came back different. Non explosive and physically desiring me. It was at the point that I realized that I had feelings for my friend. It was a difficult time because we had not discussed such things. Actually, moving into such territory would likely destroy our friendship. At the point of this realization I went no contact and focused on reconciling with my H. I was hard on myself and almost took my life one night. It was a difficult time.
In November of 2012 my H went on a business trip and came back two days before Christmas. From October to January we were really connecting. We were being physical and for the first time in our marriage there was physical passion between us. I felt liberated. Until January of 2013. That's when I found escort contacts in his email, memberships to adult dating sites (some were paid), multiple searches for escorts (backpage, eros, youtube videos of escort ads), hidden email accounts, and so on. Many of these searches took place during his recent business trip after we were physically connecting. That really hurt.
My H denied it all. He then told me he had an addiction. He said there's nothing like being with a woman for the first time. He told me has had a thing with almost getting caught. But he trickle-truthed me and blame shifted. He told me it was all my fault because I didn't do enough to sexually engage him in Hawaii. Keep in mind, I bought movies, sex games, would spontaneously go down on him...no response.
The more I searched, the more I found. The more denial and blame shifting I received.
We have been separated for 10 months. He's been trying for 10 months. He took a poly and admitted to contacting the escorts in 2005. Looking back I see that our whole marriage when he was emotionally abusing our oldest and shutting me out sexually he was fantasizing about escorts (at the very least).
I know I'm not blameless here. But he's still trying and I'm shut down. I can't move. Yet I blame myself and feel guilty because of my part in the dysfunction. I can't release myself and I can't move forward.
Thoughts?
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